Is It Ok To Get Angry At Other People?

[Philippa]

Absolutely! Understanding dysfunction prevents you from becoming angry. It is why we/I survived!! I agree with your belief any therapist who tries to get us angry rather than to a point of the dynamics that have led us to surviving a dysfunctional household and how that affects us now is dysfunctional in itself. Rule number one in surviving a toxic dysfunctional enviroment...anger keeps the cycle going. Don't join the madness. I wanted to ask the poor woman where she got her degree. Her IQ instantly dropped 50pts!

I agree to a degree. It is important to understand the dynamics of dysfunction in a family unit in order to be able to understand and have compassion for parents who don't know any better, but what I think is often overlooked is that anger can be there deep down...pressed down and denied. If it isn't brought to the surface and expressed, then it can cause ongoing problems to the persons health, mentally and physically.

I mean, anger is an emotion that occurs when someone feels powerless. If a child is living in a reality of powerlesssness, then isn't it natural that they would feel this way, but perhaps different personalities bury it in order to survive? Others may act out and become troublemakers in their community. Some personalities are schizoid and they are the ones who tend to turn the anger inward...with depression being a result.

 

[Survivor2Thriver]

I mean, anger is an emotion that occurs when someone feels powerless. If a child is living in a reality of powerlesssness, then isn't it natural that they would feel this way,

Again..understanding powerlessness is key.

The abusive ones get angry. That is what happened to my older siblings. Their anger caused my abuse and my younger brothers.

It is important to understand the dynamics of dysfunction in a family unit in order to be able to understand and have compassion for parents who don't know any better,

Understanding the dynamics of dysfunction in no way requires you to have compassion for your abusers. My parents and siblings knew/know exactly what they were/are doing. Protecting the family secret.

 

[shimmerz]

I think that you can get angry without being abusive though. What I don't want to do is to spread that anger to others (especially those who don't deserve it). It is like yelling at a child who is loud. The more you yell the louder it is going to get. Yelling to me is part of an angry outburst (it may not be to all). I found the most effective way of dealing with a raging or angry child was to lower my voice. It set the tone so that a rational conversation could take place. Many people do not hear 'loud' and that perpetuates the 'not listening' portion of anger when it is presented in a way where the main purpose is to dump or rant on others. I like the idea best of listening and being listened to.

 

[Philippa]

That's fair enough Survivor2Thriver. If your parents knew what they were doing then it's not a pre-requisite. I guess I was speaking about dysfunctional people who don't really know how their behaviour affects their kids.

I think a person can express anger without being abusive as well. I used to excuse myself and go for a long walk and then return later and try to talk to my partner when we'd have a fight. I was very symptomatic back then, so it was harder to control my temper. I put a hole in the wall once with my foot. I smooshed mashed potato on his face one time when he was aggravating me...but it was better than hitting him, which is what I felt like doing. Anger when you have ptsd is extremely hard to express in a way that isn't harmful. Anger when things aren't so crazy is hard enough, but more manageable if you are committed to learning better ways of expressing it.

 

[Survivor2Thriver]

I agree with both of you. Anger is a useful tool to spring us into action. How it is used depends on the person. Anger can be benevolent or malevolent. Constructive or toxic.

Oh I've thrown my share of wine glasses..;) Felt great!

My point is after you work with and through anger you are better equipped to find the real problem.

 

[shell]

I have always been terrified of anger, I find it's triggering and I feel like I am about to be physically attacked, I feel powerless when others express anger.

It's only fairly recently that I realized I turn it in on myself, and blame myself for others anger, because I grew up believing that I make others angry because I am wrong. I have so many disfunctional beliefs relating to anger, that I don't feel it, I do I just don't acknowlege it, because for me anger and violence are inseparatable, even when in actual fact they are two totally different things.

My T today suggested that I verbally tell my teenage son, I am feeling angry at being disrespected by him, so I acknowledge my feelings and stop turning my anger on myself, it was good advice, but then I didn't put it into practice, when my anger wasn't relating to him. I can see I need a lot of work to deal with my fear of expression of anger.

I believe everyone has the right to express anger in a safe, respectful manner, because when we deny our feelings and turn them inwards or outwards on others and become disfunctional, then we are at risk for harming others or ourselves, because it gets out of control.

 

[ghotiff]

My point is after you work with and through anger you are better equipped to find the real problem

I really believe this and I have a lot of health problems that I expect are a result of anger/fear/emotion turned inside. But to stick with 'anger' for now, I have no idea how to release it. Has anyone worked through their anger? How did they do this (and not hurt innocent bystanders)?

I have done the punching pillow thing and smashing plates thing....they were good when I was much younger, but my anger now is not that youthful physical feeling anger. I also have really low energy levels, so the idea of trying to physically work out my anger just makes me feel defeated.

 

[shimmerz]

@ghotiff I use words of substitution. For instance @shell with my children I would use the word 'disappointed'. And I would be disappointed. I never felt the way towards my children or step children that others seemed to put across to me (my definition of the word angry) so I found it was best to relabel the word and then I didn't have to attach it to the actions I had been exposed to when others were angry at me. I don't know if this helps anyone else but for me it was an eye opener. My children who are adults now are allowed to express their frustrations at me but they are not allowed to blow up at me and scream. They know this. It must all be respectful in the intention.

Strangers? I don't waste my time on their angry outbursts.

 

[Survivor2Thriver]

result of anger/fear/emotion turned inside. But to stick with 'anger' for now, I have no idea how to release it.

IMO you have to grieve it out of your system. It's not really anger its grief. You have to acknowledge that first. Unaddressed deep sadness. Anger is a mask...the fear of feeling the grief. Anger hinders the grieving process.

That is what sends my wine glasses airborne anyway...LOL

 

[ghotiff]

Grief is very relevant. I hate that I am this way, I wish this never happened to me. I hate the way I find things hard, that others find easy, and that no-one (outside this forum) seems to understand how hard these things are for me.

@Survivor2Thriver. Thanks, You are right... I need to grieve ... this is a much easier concept for me to understand and process (as compared to trying to release my 'anger'). It will not be easy to do this, I think you are also right that I fear allowing myself to acknowledge the amount of grief that I have.

 

[Philippa]

It can be scary because once you open that floodgate, there's no telling when you will come back from it.

I work, so often I get afraid that if I let myself grieve to the full capacity, I will be unable to work, and then will have no money, will not be able to pay rent etc....and end up homeless again. That's been my biggest growing fear since I was homeless, that it will happen again.

 

[ghotiff]

I work, so often I get afraid that if I let myself grieve to the full capacity, I will be unable to work

I so understand this feeling. Since my therapy, I have found it harder to concentrate at work and I sometimes worry (probably paranoia, but the fear is there) that if I get much worse, I could risk parts of my job. This really leaves me with a double edge sword. Push hard with my healing so I can come out the other side (and feel like I'm risking parts of my job)....or alternatively work to lock everything from my past back up (keep my job, but keep all of my issues).

Currently, I'm tempted to push.