Is It Possible That I'm Making All This Up?

[angel2write]

One of my biggest fears is that I really am crazy.

I have a 62-page diary on this site full of bits and pieces, but I have trouble putting it all together in a way that is consistent or makes sense. For example, I have memories of being over fed, memories of being under fed, memories of being forced to eat, memories of being punished for asking for food, memories of being given lots of treats, and memories of being locked out of the house for hours with no access to food, water, or medicine.

They don't make a pattern I can see. They don't make sense. Am I just making all this up?

I have a diagnosis of PTSD. I am not in therapy now, or I'd ask her. (She's on indefinite maternity leave.) Is there some kind of mental disorder where you have false memories of stuff? Some of the "flashbacks" I have... I have trouble believing they're real. Did this stuff really happen to me?

My parents were always accusing me of making stuff up. Always saying that what I remembered wasn't true or real. That what I thought I saw happening wasn't what happened. Even when there was physical evidence.

I have gotten physical evidence for some of the memories, or verified details through photographs or by asking relatives what they remembered about stuff. But I'm still so scared I'm just crazy and making it all up.

Does anyone else relate to this at all?

 

[freakofnurture]

We have a thread about [DLMURL="https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/gaslighting-protecting-yourself.19565/"]gaslighting[/DLMURL] here. If you haven't read it, it might be helpful to do so, now.

I think your memories do make perfect sense, no matter how contradictory they appear. It's not unheard of that abusive people in power positions randomly change demands and the way they treat their subjects. A mild form of that is the so called 'ambivalent' parenting style, where the parent randomly oscillates between affectionate and rejecting behavior.

Also, you do have the symptoms, don't you? There's nothing else you need, to know that your trauma is real.

And even if only half of what you remember is actually true, if they 'only' overfed or 'only' starved you, it's still abuse and they're still behaving unsympathetic and re-victimizing towards you by calling you a liar.

Stand your ground, girl. I do believe you, as will most of the users here.

 

[Sterre]

Oh yeah! I can relate to the "Am I beeing crazy stuff? "

For me I know the things that I remember really happend, and in some way they follow a clear and logical pattern. There is finally proof by my sisters diagnosis and story, that I didnt made it all up.
Also there are other people who knew how horrible it was at our place, growing up.
The violence that took place was obvious, the neglect stemming from it also.
That there would be violence towards us ( the childeren) is logical too.

I dont have very detailed memories that speak against each other, the memories I have, and that are detailed, make sense in the whole picture.

Having said that, I have bouts of doubt, thinking I am over reacting or making it more significant than neccesary. If you have parents that invalidate and minimize those things, it is likely that you would doubt yourself.

There is a theory about false memories, and how easily they are planted inside someones head. I dont know how reliable every flashbacks is. When I read a book or see a movie, that makes an emotional impression I can have some sort of flashbacks about it.
Then again what are flashbacks? Is there a general definition about what a flachback is? Maybe I am thinking I am having a flashback while someobody else experience flashbacks in a whole different manner?
I think it is a flashback when I see a sudden penetrating image ( with smell, emotion and sound) about an event that happend to me when I was a child, but maybe flashback means a whole different thing to you?

What could help is if you would make a time line of happenings and memories to see if they follow logical a pattern.
I for instance, get confused about what happend at what age, and by creating a time line, I can see that my age must have been this or that, while in my memory I thought I was younger or older.

I dont know if any of this makes sense for you or is somewhat of an answer...

 

[Eleanor]

Oh rats - I just wrote a very nice thing about theories of truth - and then deleted it. Well anyway you are not crazy - and I am a philosopher so I know a thing or two about theories of truth.

One of my biggest fears is that I really am crazy.

Since you are concerned with both the coherence of your beliefs and their correspondence with reality (and you tend to go with the evidence when there is a conflict) you are demonstrably not crazy.

I have a 62-page diary on this site full of bits and pieces, but I have trouble putting it all together in a way that is consistent or makes sense. For example, I have memories of being over fed, memories of being under fed, memories of being forced to eat, memories of being punished for asking for food, memories of being given lots of treats, and memories of being locked out of the house for hours with no access to food, water, or medicine.

So long as your memories are not of these contradictory things happening at the same time and the same place (so both things happening at once) there is nothing about their inconsistency that makes it unlikely that they are both true - unless your parents were obsessively consistent people which it appears that they were not.
Both kinds of abuse are possible, and if you recall both happening, they likely did.

They don't make a pattern I can see. They don't make sense. Am I just making all this up?

Actually there is a pattern. Gaslighting is a pattern, and it seems to fit what you describe.

I have a diagnosis of PTSD. I am not in therapy now, or I'd ask her. (She's on indefinite maternity leave.) Is there some kind of mental disorder where you have false memories of stuff? Some of the "flashbacks" I have... I have trouble believing they're real. Did this stuff really happen to me?

Wanting to believe things often makes it difficult to sort veridical from apparent memories. You are right to suspect memory - but only in some ways. There is a great episode of 60 minutes on the problems with eyewitness testimony - and it is a great way into the science of memory. We are prone to some kinds of mistakes but not others, and there are ways of getting people to recall things that didn't happen - but it rarely occurs spontaneously in any sustained way. NOT remembering is much more common.

My parents were always accusing me of making stuff up. Always saying that what I remembered wasn't true or real. That what I thought I saw happening wasn't what happened. Even when there was physical evidence.

AH - so they told you X happened even though you had a clear memory of NOT X and evidence of NOT X. This is a robust case for your parents lying. If they lied in this way - they are not reliable witnesses and so cannot, regrettably, be trusted.

I have gotten physical evidence for some of the memories, or verified details through photographs or by asking relatives what they remembered about stuff. But I'm still so scared I'm just crazy and making it all up.

Always go with the physical evidence. You're not crazy in any way that I can tell. Make sure you are not selecting out evidence that disconfirms your claim - and you should be ok. Not that you will know for certain that your memories are veridical (true) - but neither is anyone else ever - but you will have as much confidence as you can reasonably get.

But the thing is that you HAVE these memories and the associated feelings, and that is a fact at the moment so they need to be dealt with. Whether they are true... it sounds like they are. Whether you get the chronology right - or all the details is not so much to the point (although relative ages can make a big difference in trying to process the memories.) The important bit is to take care of the fall out in the Here and Now.

If you want the epistemology lecture say so and I'll re do it!

 

[angel2write]

I thought gaslighting referred to a deliberate tactic by someone to abuse or control someone else.

With my mom- it was more like, anything she didn't want to acknowledge just "disappeared!" Reality became what she needed it to be at the moment. And evidence was to no avail. I could have showed her a document she wrote and signed and she would have said I forged it. She would have been ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN she had never written it, so I must have forged it.

I guess with my dad there was more controlling intent. (It makes me so crazy even trying to think about it, I almost can't!) With my dad, I was always "misunderstanding" what had happened. It happened, but I warped and twisted it. I was stupid or diseased in the brain any time I disagreed with his version of anything.

But I don't think they were deliberately toying with my sense of reality. They were always telling the truth, were totally convinced that they were correct and I was an idiot at all times... it really made me doubt everything. I still feel totally and completely stupid all of the time because I feel like I can't understand or perceive or communicate anything correctly.

I don't know how to start trusting my own perception of things.

 

[Sterre]

Its a hard road to start trusting your own instincts and reality, when you come from a place like yours Angel!
The word that comes to mind is mindf**k. They where, maybe not intentional playing with your mind in a severe way!
No wonder you doubt your reality! It must have been like living together with two people that suffer dementia or something...

(((Angel2write))))

 

[BloomInWinter]

"Definition of disavowel/denial: 5. (Psychology) a psychological process by which painful truths are not admitted into an individual's consciousness See also defence mechanism..." Source: Dead Link Removed

Those who invalidate us are still in their denial.

I do want to just say 'NOPE! That wasn't MY life!' but unfortunately....I am all the evidence I need.

If it weren't true, and I just imagined it, I'd still need help.

 

[angel2write]

If it weren't true, and I just imagined it, I'd still need help.

Ha! A good point.

 

[BloomInWinter]

This part of this article feels true for me...

" The preservation of psychic structures appears to be a compelling human need.

In what follows, I will be presenting the following basic paradigm. From a substrate of the fragmented self, the urge to form an organisation is powerfully compelling. In the absence of selfobject organisation based on empathy and respect for the child's developmental needs, the child will form oppressive organisations and internal structures using whatever psychological material is available. The task of analysis is to help free the patient from these oppressive structures so that the authentic unknown self can be released." Source: http://www.selfpsychologypsychoanalysis.org/mollon.shtml

I think my family members are so fragmented and ill they reinforce each other's vertical splits.

Bleech, this vertical split stuff I'm reading is making me ill.

 

[Abrasky]

I would believe in your emotional response. For example, I have got back maybe 1000 of resolved memories over 10 years. Most of them only 3 seconds long. In one of these memories I recovered 10 years into therapy I couldn't tell the difference between my mum and my dad in my trauma of my attack when I was 19. It was like the definition of my attacker went onto other people who were around me at the time of my attack. This feeling of not being unable to separate them led to a feeling that she threatened me(just a feeling). That was a false memory. It caused me a lot of pain. But that pain was real.

13 years later I remembered what happened 30 minutes after my attack. In this memory she actually seemed sad and said to wash up the dishes so your dad wouldn't get angry. So she was trying to make things better in her own way, it made a difference to my own anger that was inside me.(My PTSD dragon turned down the heat a bit). So I don't know if it is real or not, but the effect of healing some of my PTSD was guenuine.

Yes sometimes you can get memories back that aren't real. I asked my psychologist can you get memories back that aren't real? My therapist said that is why we deal with the the emotional response because that is real.

My other psychologists asked how old I feel at the time of my memory. These I consider real. They have fragments of my little miss personality popping up.

Things happened but the emotional response didn't and I was numb. I spent most of my childhood imagining it was better than it was. Continually feeling numb and dissacotiating is practice for PTSD later on I think.

So I think it does not matter if your memory is real or not, your response is real. But also that a part of me imagined my life was better is the part of me that grew up, the bit where the emotional response was numb is growing up now, and getting 2 different messages can be confusing. But if you really feel an age strongly associated to the memory, it is probably real. That is just my opinion.

 

[Srain]

(((((((((((((AngelKeeper))))))))))))))))
I can certainly relate

 

[freakofnurture]

I don't think they were deliberately toying with my sense of reality.

Okay. I must say though, that it sounds near psychotic to me if they are so divorced from reality, that they'd deny demonstrable facts.