General Is it possible to come back from emotionally shutting down?

[Gemini83]

My husband admitted today (I’ve suspected but he wouldn’t say) that he’s emotionally shut down. He’s dead inside and feels nothing. He said it’s comfortable. He stopped therapy a few months ago. I know he needs to be in therapy. My question is; does anyone know or believe if it’s possible to come back from a shut down?

 

[Abstract]

Yes it is. It is a bit like a trip switch. If not required then connection reoccurs. Re his situation- he may need time out. It may be that therapy was going too fast for his coping skills.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

I find it very necessary at times as a highly sensitive being, be it in the therapeutic arena or otherwise.

The rate at which I use my already proven to work therapeutic options at hand determines the rate at which I "come back". My mileage varies greatly each and every time depending on the depth of my sorrow/fear/need to feel safe and secure/cellular memories/learned and programmed responses/etc./etc.

It's also possible to have shift happen in a direction I've not yet coped through, totally throwing me off and creating the need to shut down until I can figure out another game plan.

I may or may not feel welcoming towards loved ones offering their help during that time, but more likely feeling like I've failed somehow, yet again, since I thought I'd already gotten "better enough" to get through so much shit....but whoomp, there I am again, in even more deep shit. Grrrrrrrr. So much of what we deal with feels like one big crap shoot in this thing called life, no matter how well we think/feel we innerstand it.

 

[Gemini83]

Thank you for the responses. Our situation is rough. Currently living in separate states for the last two years due to circumstances and the military. He had a major flare in March and was self destructive and trying to force me to leave him. I think emotionally shutting down is what is allowing him to get by right now. Due to a new mandate by the Navy he has to put in a little more time before he retires. He put in his order request this week but all billets are overseas and he only needs 14 months, so he’ll be going unaccompanied. Him admitting he’s shut down was hopeful for me. He’s been telling me he just stopped loving me. I’ve been hoping he just shut down. That is a horrible thing to hope for.

 

[Changing4Best]

Yes, I remember a time in my life when I had shut down like that, didn't feel a thing. It is some kind of defense mechanism, I guess. I did that for years.

At some point, the wall melted. Emotions flooded in. Some of them were pretty hard for others to deal with for awhile there, when I expressed them. For so long I had been the meek one, the quiet one, but that was not the real me.

I still use this to some degree, when anger is probably called for, but when I know it is not safe to get angry (like at work).

 

[Gemini83]

@Changing4Best, that makes sense. When he was trying to force me to leave him he said and did some things that he deeply regrets. He told me that he was holding onto anger because it was what he knew best and it was familiar. I remember thinking that when he dropped his anger, guilt was going to hit him like a ton of bricks. It also doesn’t help that he is most likely bipolar and cycling at the moment.

 

[Changing4Best]

Yes, I am Bipolar too. I am the type that goes manic mostly. I am sorry you and he are going through this! I know how awful it is.

 

[Gemini83]

His mother is, our daughters developmental pediatrician was strongly hinting she may end up with a diagnosis of it. He was actually diagnosed with it as a teenager but he refuses now to believe or accept it. Up until his flare up he’d been in control and never said a word which is why everything caught me by surprise. 15 years together, I had learned how to manage and adjust to his moods.
He’s not sleeping hardly the last few weeks and the last few days he’s been distant. This afternoon he had a complete flat affect but I think I got the most out of him then I have in a while. There were some things he refused to go into today though.

 

[Changing4Best]

Maybe give him a gift, something that will jar his senses. It is just an idea. You know him better than I do, but I think sometimes that when my husband would do something special for me, like cook my fav meal or buy me a gift, it sometimes got me out of it a little.

 

[Gemini83]

Yesterday he should have gotten a package I sent him. It had all the letters and cards we’ve written each other over the years. There was one I had framed. He had written it a few years ago. In it, he was saying what are daughter means to him and then what I mean to him. I’m wondering if reading those is what caused the flat affect yesterday.

 

[Gemini83]

@Changing4Best do you ever have episodes with a flat affect? If you do, typically how long do they last? Days, weeks? Also, if you do, is ther anything to do to help you? I’m not sure if I should give him space, have some contact. I’m not going to smother him. I’m just not sure what to do.

 

[Changing4Best]

Mine, in essence, lasted for years. However, don't be discouraged. I might not be the norm. All I know is that emotions were dangerous, I was not allowed to express them, both in childhood and in adulthood, so I just went flat. People shut me down, because they could not deal with my anger or my tears, before I finally shut down as my only option for survival.

The damn broke and water gushed out finally when my father died. I sobbed and sobbed. Again, no one could deal with my emotions. None the less, that time I could not shut them down. I even got kicked out of a church for being "disruptive." I tried my best to cry quietly in the next church I joined. And the one after that, which is the one I am in now, years later. Sometimes I cry a little, silently, just a few tears these days. At least I am no longer in the "flats!" What a relief, I can express myself.

I paint paintings a lot now, to express my feelings. I have a job now, which I did not back then. I have had it for over a year. I'm doing DBT and Trauma Based CBT with my T. and here on these forums with an email group. These help a lot too.