General Is It Unreasonable For Me To Expect This Of Him?

[desperate]

I think I've been pretty good lately about giving my husband some space when he needs it. I may tell him to go take a walk or something to cool off, but I've tried really hard not to push him to talk when he's in one of his moods. Still, I feel like we should occasionally be able to have a long, meaningful talk about SOMETHING. I tried to talk to him about some problems we have in our relationship today. I wasn't being confrontational (at least I don't THINK I was), and I tried to be really nice about it. But he got all irritated that I'm "always" trying to force him to talk (although we've barely said a word to one another over the past few days) and he just can't have long conversations anymore. Up until that point, he'd been having a pretty good day, which is why I thought it would be safe to approach the subject. But now he's all upset again and has lost himself in a video game, and won't talk to me. I know he's going to have trouble talking about these things, but is it unreasonable of me to expect him to at least make the attempt to help me solve a problem once in a while? Honestly, this sounds like a really stupid question now that I'm typing it all - but I seriously don't know. It sounds downright idiotic to ignore the fact that he won't work on fixing things with me, but it sounded just as idiotic the first time someone told me to give him space and not try to argue when he starts saying hateful, cruel things to me. But that seems to, for the most part, be working well. It seems that instincts are pretty much useless when dealing with ptsd sufferers. :wall:
Any suggestions on how I should approach this problem???

 

[cyanide]

Hello,

It's definitely not unreasonable to expect him to talk to you about problems, but one of the things about giving space is, if he asks for space, he needs space, period. One of the things you should not do is to tell him what to do (i.e. to take a walk, to talk about an issue he is not ready to talk about). It's frustrating to you, yes, but it's also frustrating to him because he's already overwhelmed with stress and it's nearly impossible for him to deal with at the moment. With the amount of stress he's probably dealing with, he will be irritable, and leaving him alone will not hurt you and he might need space so he doesn't hurt you. For now, let him be, and he will eventually face what he needs to process without any pressure. The more you leave him alone, the more he is able to resolve things. Slower is faster.

I'm in a situation right now where I'm giving my ex-gf time and space. It has been about 50 days since I last saw and spoke with her, only having minimal contact online. I'm loving her without expectation, and it's one of the hardest things I've ever been put through. Along the same line, it's hard for her to not be able to respond. Definitely not easy, but the more you know about ptsd, the easier it is to cope as a carer.

Your husband will come around. He just needs time and boundaries, but also care and love without pressure.

 

[SunnyBrookFarm]

As a sufferer, I would suggest that you break up this "long conversation" into several small conversations. I realize how difficult and frustrating this will be for you (I am also a carer to my daughter), but our brains just shut down - especially if the conversation goes on for a period of time.

With my husband, at some point, I'm not even hearing him any longer to be honest.

I do know (first-hand) what a difficult role you are in. I didn't truly understand my daughter's perspective or her needs until I was diagnosed myself. I'm glad that you have taken the time to find support and to learn about your husband's PTSD on your own.

 

[Shoka]

Ditto, ditto, ditto...

The longer I've been a carer, the more I've come to understand that putting pressure on someone who needs space is a major mistake and is just going to end up in pain and frustration for everyone.

There are some things that should always be intolerable. Physical violence, emotional abuse, things of that nature. However, there are times when a person as a carer really needs to "detach with love" and let things go. It is challenging, and it is scary. That's why it's so important for carers to have a strong support system in their lives other than their sufferer. It's also why carers need to take an inventory of what they need out of the relationship and create boundaries and limitations.

Ultimately, as a carer, you must take care of yourself first and that will probably mean doing so without the help of your partner. This can be a shocking experience especially if pre-diagnosis, your partner was someone you used to be able to rely on and lean on. It feels frightening. But I agree with the above two posts. IF he says he can't talk about it, chances are he really can't. Forcing him into conversations or activities will only result in him drowning further in the quicksand of PTSD issues.

I know it's hard, but the more you learn and can begin to understand the disorder, somehow it gets a little better. Being a carer means learning to always live on a bumpy road, no more smooth rides. Patches of smooth road can occur here and there, but bumpy is the reality.

Shoka

 

[desperate]

Hmm. That's one of the things I'm confused about. I've been told to give him boundaries, but I shouldn't tell him to go take a walk when we both know he needs it? I try not to boss him around, and many times I just take the kids and leave myself. But one of the boundaries that we both agreed on (when he was having a good day, of course) was that I shouldn't always be the one to have to interrupt my routine and disrupt the kids' schedule, so sometimes HE would have to go take a walk. Any suggestions on how I should get him to do that without telling him to? I've already tried gentle suggestions - they don't work. He yells and screams and complains about it when I tell him to take a walk, but he does it, and almost always comes back a bit more reasonable.

 

[amethist]

Hi everyone.

I just wanted to add my bit to this.

I have been a carer now for over 2 years and it is only just recently that my husband and I have started to have long uninterrupted conversation again, the way we used to. They are usually about anything and nothing, we could do this for hours before ptsd hit, but it is only just beginning to happen again. It does make him tired but he enjoys it so puts up with that.

I have to be careful about it sometimes, as talking like this can not be done on a bad day. Even on good days if we talk too long about what is happening to him he can and does get irritated with himself not me, as he can't process the too much of this kind of information in one go. Every day rubbish is easy, so I usually stick to that as much as possible, knowing he ill talk this way.

I wish my husband could go for a walk to cool off, but his agoraphobia puts a stop to that. So It is usually me who goes out of the room, usually with one of us shooting a parting comment as this happens, more often then not him saying " go on run away again ". That's when my coat goes on and the door is slammed behind me, he always apologises when I get back. This is a rarity now but still happens when we are both stressed.

One way you could get him to go for a walk is by handing him his coat just before it gets too much. But discuss this with him on a good day first, saves a lot of upset for both of you if you could have signals that you both understand and know when enough is enough for that time.

What ever we do as carers, there always are times when we just can't do right for doing wrong.

Amethist

 

[SunnyBrookFarm]

But one of the boundaries that we both agreed on (when he was having a good day, of course) was that I shouldn't always be the one to have to interrupt my routine and disrupt the kids' schedule, so sometimes HE would have to go take a walk. Any suggestions on how I should get him to do that without telling him to? I've already tried gentle suggestions - they don't work. He yells and screams and complains about it when I tell him to take a walk, but he does it, and almost always comes back a bit more reasonable.

Boundaries are important for both you and him. If this is something that you both agreed on (which sounds like a good plan in my opinion), why can't you tell him to go take a walk? I don't see gentle suggestions working for either me or my daughter to be honest. I would suggest that you discuss this again SOON when he is calm and gently remind him that the two of you agreed that he would go for a walk to lessen the impact this has on your children.

One thing that makes it confusing is that you both agreed that "sometimes" he will go for a walk instead. I wouldn't really know when it was my "turn" to be honest. I think for now the two of you are going to have to decide that one or the other will be the one stepping away (seems reasonable for it to be him).

Lastly, I would suggest a "code word". Saying - GO FOR YOUR WALK!!! May not go over so well, in the heat of the moment, but if you have a code word that you can both agree on, it may immediately remind him of why he needs to go for a walk. Maybe "little ears" (to remind him of the children), or "lets take a break" - like I said it really needs to be something that you both agree too and that he can accept hearing.

 

[Pam]

I would have to say ditto about breaking long conversations into much smaller chunks when it has to do with "relationship" stuff. Even one way conversations. My C is 65 and I am 53. Fortunately I no longer desire lots of long relationship talks (is that just a younger thing?). But I do like to touch base occasionally and C is able to handle that. But he has told me that more than a sentence or two will max him out and never if what I have said has an expectation of a response to it. So he has figured out how to touch base with me covertly (or rather I have figured out how he does it). He says things like, "Good job pumpkin" after I have cooked something tasty. That means lots of things, not just that the food was good. It is loaded with unspoken sweet romantic sayings and emotional heart stuff. It's like the wrapping on a gift. The wrapping says that there are lots of goodies inside. He uses the wrapping to say all the things that he would say but can't.