Is It Wrong To Want Him To Understand & Accept Me?

[henamedmeowl]

I am worried that I don't know anything but abuse. That I can't see how great everything is in my own life because I want to be abused. I really don't though or I am confused about it all. I want to feel safe really badly which seems really stupid. Safe to me means being accepted, understood, and loved as I am. My fiance though can't really handle me if I am unhappy or hurting or need help. Sometimes I need guidance or support but I don't have that here and then I think to myself he can't parent me that's not his job but then I am like why is here? I want to be able to cry or feel sad and talk about what's wrong and be comforted, I want to be able to crawl into his lap or arms and feel secure, but I don't. If anything he makes me feel terrified like if I fall down he will too. No one else seems to have this problem. I'm so tired...it's like I have been running from what happened to me and I just want to sit down for a moment and let it out but there is not safe place to rest to catch up to process. So I just keep moving but I feel like I can't keep going like this. Then again I think he isn't supposed to be there for me like that I am supposed to get over it or help myself...but then I think why have a husband, a partner, if you can't ever lean on them? I have to stay strong all the time but I am hurting and he doesn't see it or want it to be shown and if I show it touching me is supposed to make it stop. But it doesn't it makes it worse like if his touching is comforting him but at the cost of my fragile strength. I guess I am wondering inside of your relationships what expectations or how is your traumatic background dealt with?

 

[Friday]

I have a finite amount of time I can be cried on and be fine.
I have a finite amount of time I can be yelled at and be fine.
I have a finite amount of time I can be hit and be fine.
Et cetera.

We all do. We all have our limits.

The biggest part of dating, IME, is lining up those limits with others.

Lining up the things we // love, like, ... , dislike, hate // with another person. Our own personal spectrums, with someone else's personal spectrums. They're never going to all line up perfectly. And they don't need to. Someone I'm dating doesn't have to love everything I love, and not care about everything I don't care about, and hate everything I hate. In fact, it's usually better that there are things that they love that I don't and vice versa. Strengths making up for weaknesses.

Very little in the realm of possibility is wrong. It's just different. ((Although what we personally believe to be right/wrong -aka our values- is another thing to line up.)) But just because it's not wrong? Doesn't mean that everyone will love it, like it, or even be able to tolerate it.

In my personal experience, if you're NOT asking for what you need/want? You're setting up a false front. Trying to be someone you're not. And that almost always goes badly. For one, because most people can only maintain that for a very limited amount of time. For two, because it makes one person miserable (in not getting what they need/want) and the other person clueless. Could be they'd be more than happy with the other persons needs & wants. Could be there's no way in hell they could even begin to tolerate it, much less love to be doing it. Either way, keeping them in the dark is a manipulation tactic, that backfires. Badly.

***
Example

I tend to be fairly volatile. I go through periods of beig very intense, and go through periods of being very independent. The people I've dated I've got on best with? LOVED that. I've also dated people who loved one side, but hated the other side, thinking that one was "real". Nope. Both are real. I do both. I will never JUST be very intense or JUST be very independent. Is it wrong for them to want to be in a relationship where the other person is intense all the time? Nope. Is it wrong for them to want to be in a relationship where the other person is independent all the time? Nope. Is it wrong for me to be both of those thigs, instead of one or the other? Nope. Is it wrong for some people to love both? Nope. There's no wrong. In any of it. There's just preference. But what about when those things line up wrong? It doesn't work out, usually. Shrug.

At least, shrug IF we're all being pretty honest wih each other. If someone is lying to me, to "keep" me? :banghead: Or if I'm putting up with something I hate to "keep" someone else? :wtf: It's just wasting time. Mine. Theirs. It's okay not to know how I feel about something. It's okay for someone else to not know. That's part of dating, too. Figuring it what our spectrums are in relation to someone else. That different from deliberately misleading someone, either about who we are, or who they are.

My 2.02 ;)

 

[EveHarrington]

Dump him.

Unless you want a lifetime of emotional starvation.

Then by all means, marry him.

Relationships are all about taking the good and the bad. I could pretend to be perfect and have lots of people "love" me------but it's not real love.

 

[henamedmeowl]

I have a finite amount of time I can be cried on and be fine.
I have a finite amount of time I can be ye...

Thanks for saying that...I have been honest with him, I ask for what I want, I am clear and direct and have been so. I can't not be that way. His response is that he doesn't understand why I can't see how much he loves me, cares, etc...so this plays on my own insecurities like if I don't know any better...like if I can't tell..do you know what I mean? Like because this the only man I've ever been with maybe I don't know what's good and what's not...maybe I have a princess complex or something..

 

[Justmehere]

The biggest part of dating, IME, is lining up those limits with others.

I agree with this, 100%.

I want to feel safe really badly which seems really stupid. Safe to me means being accepted, understood, and loved as I am. My fiance though can't really handle me if I am unhappy or hurting or need help.

What do you mean he can't handle you if you are unhappy, hurting, or need help? What you describe occurring on his part seems like co-dependency. If he can't be happy himself unless you are happy too, then the relationship will self destruct in one way or another.

If he is drawing some boundaries on what he can and can't deal with then that doesn't make what you need and want stupid or bad. It's just different than what he can or is willing to provide.

If he is not actually verbally expressing any boundaries and you have not verbally expressed your needs, but this is about your fears that he will fall down if you fall, then its time to talk to him about it and work through the difference between interdependence and co-dependency.

It's healthy to want to be safe and loved and understood. It's heathy for either partner to support the other from time to time - both ways. It's heathy to have clear expressed boundaries and limits.

It's not healthy to have ones happiness depend upon the other being 100% happy all the time and to never have any needs.

 

[henamedmeowl]

I agree with this, 100%


What do you mean he can't handle you if you are unhappy, hurting, or need...

I mean that he falls apart, starts crying, gets angry, this in turn gets me to not open up at all to close myself off which makes him more comfortable. It is co-dependency on his part. I know it is. He percieves me as strong...like a survivor or something and I feel he leans up against that which is exhausting for me and I do not encourage it but try to stop it which sets him off as well. He does not express anything verbally...if anything he is silent much of the time and relies on physically touching me.

I should say also that I have been preparing to end things for sometime financially and logistically. We have children though so it is complicated.

 

[Justmehere]

You get to decide what you need and want in relationships. The more you begin to listen to yourself on that, the more you will be able to find what you need and want. It could be that you are seeking him to be like a parent or therapist for you to fulfill unmet needs from an abusive childhood. It could also be that you want and need common things every healthy adult wants.

In terms of your relationship with him, it seems like he's pretty clear that he is doing what he is willing/able to do.

You get to decide if it is enough for you.

Are you working with a therapist? Do you have other support outside of him alone? If not, that would be a good place to start. If this is a consistent pattern with all relationships then it might be a sign that there is work to do on the trauma.

But even if that is the case, he is still clear that what he says he can do is what he says he can do. Either stay accepting that or leave accepting that. But don't shame yourself for what you need and want. Dating is all about finding two people who fit within each other's limits.

It's good that you have figured out you and him don't fit. It seems like he is very enmeshed and co dependent and doesn't have much of a sense of boundaries between you and him. He doesn't seem to be able to handle his own needs very well, and I wouldn't trust him as the source of an objective perspective about what you want and need.

 

[henamedmeowl]

I feel like I am not replying correctly. So I will try here:

@Friday I realize that him and I are different. I realize I have specific wants and needs and I was able to bring these things down to the most basic needs I have. I then expressed these things to him and have done so for some time. I have also been in therapy for a long time and have been progressing and doing well according to my psychologist. This is also clear in the day to day developments in my life outside of my primary relationship.

@EveHarrington I would like to dump him and recently have about 3 months ago. We have children though and a shared home and finances and so it hasn't been easy to just be done..particularly for the children. So I want to try and make things work some sort of way for them. I also have no family within 2500 miles it's just his and so to leave would be to leave everything I've built and go home. So I guess I am still trying to salvage it or fix it which could be a bad choice.

@Justmehere I mean that he falls apart, starts crying, gets angry, this in turn gets me to not open up at all to close myself off which makes him more comfortable. It is co-dependency on his part. I know it is. He perceives me as strong...like a survivor or something and I feel he leans up against that which is exhausting for me and I do not encourage it but try to stop it which sets him off as well. He does not express anything verbally...if anything he is silent much of the time and relies on physically touching me.

I appreciate you saying this "It's healthy to want to be safe and loved and understood. It's heathy for either partner to support the other from time to time - both ways. It's heathy to have clear expressed boundaries and limits."

I struggle with believing that all the time.

 

[Tinyflame]

I appreciate you saying this "It's healthy to want to be safe and loved and understood. It's heathy for either partner to support the other from time to time - both ways. It's heathy to have clear expressed boundaries and limits."

I agree. And respect. If it makes you feel bad, he shouldn't feel good or indifferent about it, or your feelings aren't important to him.

Good luck.

 

[henamedmeowl]

You get to decide what you need and want in relationships. The more you begin to listen to yourself...

This is my only relationship. I have friends, family, I go to graduate school, and work. I travel frequently to see family and friends and do have issues specifically c-ptsd and some disassociation but I have done a lot of work. I feel like it may be true that my primary relationship to me should be a place where I feel safe and accepted. I don't really see any other reason to be intimately involved with someone. That may be wrong but if I can't be myself at home..why would I want to be there? I am working with therapist and we start couples therapy next week. The shame thing I feel like is a product of my abusive background which I think sometimes he plays on the guilt/shame aspect I mean. I really appreciate the things you've said. Because I have these issues mentally and because of what happened to me it's hard to judge sometimes if I am being a sort of princess/queen bee type or if I am just expressing normal needs. Which is once in a while being able to lean on someone. I have never done so and when I try he freaks out.

 

[Justmehere]

I think you need to get clear with yourself about what you need and want in the relationship. You're calling him your fiancé while also saying that you broke up with him three months ago. He is either your fiancé or you are broken up and sharing parenting and a household?

It's a lot of mixed messages here, and I'm guessing that he get some mixed messages from you too?

Because there are children involved, you may not be able to pick up your kids and leave to another state. There may be some custody issues that have to be worked out. It's also not as cut and dry as either stay with him, or move 2000 miles away. You're working hard in school and investing in your future.

But when it comes back to what you need and want, listen to yourself more than you listen to him. Set clear but gentle boundaries and accept his limits to as being about what he is able to do, not objective truth about what all people might be able to do.

I think the shame that you feel about your needs are very much about the past, and distorted messages that he is giving you. His statements about your needs being too much or more about him not being able to meet your needs then about your needs actually being too much. I don't see anything you have to be ashamed about.

 

[henamedmeowl]

I agree. And respect. If it makes you feel bad, he shouldn't feel good or indifferent about it, or your...

Wow, you worded this so well..it's so hard because unless I say I point out that his ignoring me or disregarding me is hurting he says nothing...but the minute I do he's like it hurts me that you can't see that I love you. I think to myself sometimes when I don't say anything.."why can't you see me when I am right here drowning?"...it's honestly very painful.