Is It Wrong To Want Him To Understand & Accept Me?

[Emma-Sue Briggs]

I could have written everything you said. We have a 3 months old baby and I don't know whether to try and make it work or not, I really don't feel I have the strength to fight for it. He said to me last night he loves me and wants to be with me forever. Then this morning I was tired and grumpy and he said "maybe I should just leave if you want"
I can't bear the threats to leave. I fell apart and within an hour I was crying on the floor pulling out clumps of my hair.
I told him how much I need security, it was such a wicked thing to say when he started a panic attack last time he made this threat and I asked him to never say it again unless he meant it .
I feel so sick

 

[EveHarrington]

I don't really like the way you wrote your post. It was abrasive and not really helpful. I didn't...

Then put me on ignore. Take what you want and leave the rest.

 

[henamedmeowl]

I could have written everything you said. We have a 3 months old baby and I don't know whether...

I have been thinking that maybe my guy doesn't feel safe himself so of course he can't make me feel safe...and the idea of him feeling so incapable makes me even more scared. I am sorry you're going through this too...and with a little baby. For sure I feel like I can survive on my own but it took a lot...school, work, travel, becoming more independent and getting over the things my rapist said to me and the things other people echo out to me that sound similar to his voice.

What made me strong I think and able to leave and even consider it was to remember that I have already made it this far on my own...he does nothing for me, provides me with no safety and still I do the things I have to even when I am terrified. So I want to tell you that I understand your need for safety I want it too...but we seem to have partners that have no safety within themselves in look to us for that...which means that we are actually already on our own...and stronger than we believe. hugs

 

[henamedmeowl]

Then put me on ignore. I really don't care. Take what you want and leave the rest. Oh and stop re...

Saying that my abusers won is not helpful. It wasn't about tone...but that comment. Why would I mute you. I just expressed how I felt about your comment. I didn't like it. Should I not say that?

 

[EveHarrington]

Well your abusers are winning.

I'm not a mind reader.

Some people would be like

HOLY SHIT!

I can't let my abusers win!

I'm going to prove them wrong!

<shot of motivation>

But it didn't help you.

I'm not a mind reader.

That's why I said you can put me on ignore if you don't like my advice.

Why?

Because you can't control what other people say. You can only control yourself.

 

[henamedmeowl]

Well your abusers are winning.

I'm not a mind reader.

Some people would be like

HOLY SHIT!...

I'm not going to ignore you but you're right some people do like that and for some people that's crushing. It's a typical way to look at people that were abused ...I just don't use it and don't like it. You can say whatever you like I just expressed how I felt about it. You seem upset. I'm sorry if I offended you I was just saying that I don't like that. Abuser's winning just sounds so bad I never talk like that to people with ptsd I let them bring their abusers into the conversation if they like but I would never frame it like that. To each thier own...so now you know I don't like it I know that some people do ok fine..I am not sure what else to say about it. I do think it's really interesting that you said it again though especially after I said I don't like it.

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm sorry I can't read much more, I only came back to say this, & then saw @EveHarrington 's. Personally I agree with what she meant; are you the person your abuser(s)/ rapists' voices tell you you are? Decisions reflecting that they do prevail.

All I was going to say was, is it, or does it all have to be, about your meltdowns followed by his response? Or is it about needs & wants? If everything is 'ok' when you are strong, do you think he is frustrated he can't fix it? Do you expect him to fix it? Something must have attracted you to begin with, or kept you together, is that still there or not? Do you remember any good qualities, or times? Are those not the relevant questions? If you feel he neither understands nor accepts you, as your title suggests, why would you stay.

Just 0.02.

 

[Powder]

I see something different at work here.

Look at who is in the relationship. Forget about the past. Making everything about past relationships is an error in thinking, just as it would be an error to ignore the past entirely. Best to deal with who is in the relationship, what they bring to it, the dynamic, and what drew them together in the beginning and why it's not working now.

I'm glad you're doing therapy before a wedding date. That seems like a very good idea, especially with children in the picture.
I'm also happy to hear that you have considered their needs in a father.

From where I am standing, you need to give yourself a lot more credit for all the work you have emotionally put into your family. Because I think having a family is about putting in the work and then enjoying the play and just having fun times together.

I have read on the forum that not everyone determines that their marriage or sig. other is the Correct Relationship to do their unburdening work. This surprised me because, like you, I also say that if I "can't be myself at home" etc.

Take that saying to task and really think about what you mean in it.

My parents were heavily abusive because they were being their true (dark/deranged/drunk) selves at home. In their case, it would have been better for me if they were their true self someplace else, like some BDSM or Fight club.

It is a luxury to be oneself in the presence of another, not a right. I think you should examine your expectations with someone more qualified than myself to determine if they are realistic and healthy for your life.

Life is never the ideal, always the real. We must engage with the real. The abuse past sets us up to think the salvation is nigh. Everyone wants a savior, until they realize none is coming. Then, they save themselves. It's a repeat process all have to go through, in my way of thinking, and it's, frankly, often a painful awakening until self-efficacy sets in.

I don't like the word "co-dependent" because the implication is that it is a more or less permanent character trait, and it labels a person a person by their behavior rather than an actual DSM condition. What is actually being described by the word might be, I believe after some research and reflection, merely being stuck within a stage of still believing in roles of "waiting" for the savior (victim mindset) or having to always "be" the role of the savior (hero mindset).

I have watched so many of us, the grown ups still so wounded by abusive parenting and growing up PTSD with so many unmet developmental/emotional safety needs, take our turn being the hero or victim, neither of which can be maintained for long.

I'm willing to look further at the word potential, but since Codependent was coined to describe why women stayed with abusive alcoholics, and like Borderline, as almost exclusively been a male label for women, I'm not sure how good it ever was. As if that women hasn't had enough in life, we now can make up a word to label her with. Not her behavior or condition, her, herself.

Truth is, we can all use a little support, sometimes a lot, but we are very strong and able to meet most of our own needs no matter what we've endured.

Codependent may mean different things to different people, but I don't like the word "recovery" either because I was never in a good family, never had a good or normal self to recover.

I've had to build life from scratch, and do the work to try to understand for myself about things.

Are you comparing what you want from him from what you think you deserve or what you think others are enjoying? See, most women don't have PTSD and don't need what PTSD women need from their Sig. Other. And not that we're all the same, but PTSD is a higher level of emotional baggage, I would argue.

This is a complex issue. Don't give up.

 

[henamedmeowl]

I'm sorry I can't read much more, I only came back to say this, & then saw @EveHarrington[/U...

I think that her statement works for some and not others and for me it didn't and I said so..I am not sure that there is really anything else to say about it. This is how I feel about it no one here know's what happened to me. It's not just about my "abuser" in my head but other things at play as well. I just didn't like it and I don't think I have to.

About what you said I don't know...I don't want him to fix me but I do want him to be ok if I am in front of him and sad, crying, falling apart, weak. Everyone is down sometimes it's not like a daily thing for me...or something it happens rarely but when it does and he reacts like that it's pretty bad. He is a really good dad, we take care of kids really good together, we spend time together doing fun things, but if I am not happy that's where the problem comes in. I feel like there are a lot of good things...and I love him so that's why I am trying to make things better and pull apart if this is me or him or a combination. I feel like my original question got a little lost...but I feel like I had a lot of help in seeing what I want really and what's realistic. I think the counseling is the best way thing we have going and I appreciate everything you have said. I am going to ask him about the fixing thing today because maybe he feels helpless in the face of my sadness. Lastly, I feel like everything that could be said has been.

Thanks so much

 

[Justmehere]

Divorce is much more expensive than canceling a wedding so if the expense of canceling it is the only thing holding you back, let that go.

I'm a bit confused because you stated you ended it 3 months ago and you are making plans to separate and move out and yet are still also going forward towards a wedding and calling him your fiancé.

You give a ton of push pull messages here with what you write and I'm guessing to him as well. It doesn't make you a bad person or anything, it's just very confusing. (No judgment here, I've done it myself.)

I'd suggest perhaps looking up something called ambivalent attachment. After abuse, people often find it hard to emotionally connect with people. Some people are avoidant, some people have preoccupied attachment patterns, and other people have ambivalent attachment patterns where they tend to push and pull people away at the same time.

we have a pretty great life it's just that I want things that he tries to give me like through holding me, touching me, buying me things, and that just doesn't work for me. So I push for emotional or mental closeness and he can't handle it.

Have you ever heard of a book called the 5 love languages? The way he shows love is he way he shows it. The way you receive love may be something different.

Neither of you is right or wrong in the way that you show love and kindness to each other, and neither of you is right and wrong in the way that you can receive love. But both of you need to figure out how to be able to receive and give love with each other, or it's simply not the right relationship.

He also is showing some serious signs of struggle to emotionally regulate himself. Marriage counseling and individual counseling for you both would be a great idea.

Getting a support system doesn't mean going out and finding other men. I mean other relationships that can help you lower your stress cup and get other needs met. It's not healthy to put it all in one relationship like you are trying to do. If you lower some of the stresses you have in life and get some of your emotional needs met elsewhere, it's going to be a lot easier to figure out all of this.

I agree with @Eve Harrington that you are in agreement with your abusers and that does let them win. You nullify your needs just because one person can't meet them. You are telling yourself messages they would want you to believe.

If that's not helpful to realize, ok, then discard it and take in what is helpful.

I'd push pause on this relationship and invest heavily into therapy to work through the past trauma and work on ways to get your needs met in a healthy way.

If you move forward towards increasing commitment and intimacy, chances are that he and you will both fall apart more and more.

 

[henamedmeowl]

I see something different at work here.

Look at who is in the relationship. Forget about the past. Making...

Wow. You make some really good points here.

1) Looking at who is in the relationship: I try to stay in the present and not think about the past but I do understand how it impacts me day to day particularly with the shame/guilt around physical touch minus emotional connection.

2) What brought us together vs. what's happening now?
There is a big difference namely his way of relating to me changed as his relationship with his mother changed. I went from feeling safe to him seeming to doubt himself and rely on me.

3) About putting in the work, counseling before marriage, and knowing my kids need a father
It makes me want to cry when I read that because I so want my family to work, that's why I try so hard at therapy, try hard to grow, and evolve.

4) I want to be myself at home, i want my children to be themselves at home, and I want him to be himself at home, and I have been cultivating that for my children for sometime and am rewarded with their openness ...this seems to be a difference between him and I at first I thought we were on equal ground but maybe we are not...a topic for counseling as well.

5) I have spoken exstensivley with my therapist about my expectations and we have worked them..I know I am my own savior, no one can save me, we are born and alone and die alone, and accept this fully...I just want I guess a partner to help me when I'm down and vice versa...but again another topic for counseling...

It has been many years of getting over myself and growing and changing and taking responsibility for myself...and I feel like this is the edge of it. I know where I end and he begins but we are struggling. Thanks so much for your perspective.

 

[Justmehere]

I'd also like to point out that like many trauma survivors, you have a tendency to describe things as all or nothing options. A CBT therapist would call that black and white thinking and would challenge you to look for the grey options, the options that are less black and white, less all or nothing. For example, you have described that your options are to stay with him and marry him, or to move 2500 miles away. I'd like to suggest that there are many many many other options in between. Beginning to challenge some of these thoughts will help you find solutions that may help you feel better in the long run.