Is my mother the main cause of my depression and anxiety ?

[coco-kitty]

It really sounds as if you've come a long way and are doing better. Managing symptoms is the way to handle PTSD, and you are doing a good job. I used to be driven but now I'm less so. It's inspiring seeing someone working hard to heal.

Thank you for your kindness <3

 

[coco-kitty]

September 8th again

Dear diary,

Managing anxiety is so hard. Isn't anxiety a symptom, the way for something else to express itself ?

I help autistic children get through school. At least, that's what I'm supposed to do but school started last week and I still don't know in which school I will be working. They couldn't even find me in the database.

I had a (strongly reined in) panic attack when I found out last Wednesday. I went to the last school I worked at, just in case. I didn't want to show my colleagues that I was having a panic attack so I stayed sat on my chair while my body was hurting SO MUCH I fell sick a few days after. There was dizziness in my head, a tingling sensation in my fingertips and my heart was beating way too fast. My legs were bouncing frantically. I had a pen in my hand to hold on.

Man, I wanted to run and hide so badly !

The pain was so unbearable I wanted to die.

But I didn't avoid the pain.

I managed to go out during a break and I called someone, then another person, then another before I got an answer : "I cannot see you anywhere in the database. It also happening to someone else".

The fact that I was not alone helped tremendously. Also, I knew who to call back, which I did every two days. Yesterday, I emailed and phoned people higher in the hierarchy until I got a satisfying answer.

Since I am not working yet, I took the week off to recharge because my anxiety attack took all the energy I had last Wednesday morning, leaving me exhausted by the end of the afternoon. The night before (Tuesday to Wednesday), I only got four hours of sleep. At breakfast, I couldn't eat anything. By lunch, I was barely hungry but I ate anyway.

I was stressing the most about the lunch I was supposed to have with my colleague but not knowing where to go was so much worse that, strangely enough, it put the lunch-stress into perspective.
Knowing that I was not alone helped. No one was abandoning me.
I was able to be assertive with my superiors. I didn't fear asking for what I wanted.

For once, my mother tried to help by taking me with her to the grocery shop in order to distract me. I think she understood that I couldn't do much to appease my physical symptoms of anxiety. I picked some Biscoff to try and I LOVE IT SO MUCH.

I am quite proud of myself for not giving up. I let myself feel the anxiety but I also took action to get another child to help.

I also took care of myself by journalling, telling some friends about my situation, taking a bath and a xanax pill (which I only do when I'm too stressed out to fall asleep by myself).

That day, I also managed to talk to a few other people, even the principal of the school I used to work at. She seems very nice. I got a few emails from the deputy principal who wanted to help me (like she called the people who manage the special needs assistants, etc). This middle school's staff is quite incredible !

I shook myself, took a step back and did it.

I called a few people yesterday and my situation is getting resolved so I was right to not let it totally incapacitate me - not for long at least.

With love,

Coco

 

[user27357]

Our parents have a hand on the tiller from the day we are born. If my child was depressed and suffering from anxiety I would "get it" that I was in some way responsible and do what I was told I needed to do to help. You are not alone, and I too have parenting failures that caused a lot of my anxiety and depression. I think there are a lot of us, maybe even all of us in some way at some level.
reading what you have shared has put some new angles of perception within my viewpoints, thanks for that and welcome to a great place

 

[coco-kitty]

Our parents have a hand on the tiller from the day we are born. If my child was depressed and suffering from anxiety I would "get it" that I was in some way responsible and do what I was told I needed to do to help. You are not alone, and I too have parenting failures that caused a lot of my anxiety and depression. I think there are a lot of us, maybe even all of us in some way at some level.
reading what you have shared has put some new angles of perception within my viewpoints, thanks for that and welcome to a great place

Thank you for your kind reply and I'm glad I can help even a little bit !

 

[coco-kitty]

September 9th

Dear diary,

My mother just got a call for a new job, which she's excited about. She ran upstairs to tell me so I congratulated her, as one should.

But her joy is annoying. She's pushing it onto me. And I just can't be enthusiastic with her and for her.

I don't know why I am like this with/to her. I wish I could share this moment with her I can't, I really can't do or feel it.

One thing I also hate is that she's always telling what she's doing when she's doing it. When she gets a message from X, she'll tell me. When she's searching something on the internet, she'll say it. I CAN'T STAND IT. She's always talking, chatting, never shuts up about herself.

I never have much energy but she exhausts me.

My heart is made of stone when it comes to her. The bitterness is baffling.

With love,

Coco

P.S : being a HSP is so hard !

 

[coco-kitty]

September 11th

Dear diary,

I had a lot of fun today at the con ! I purchased some stickers and postcard from my friend. I love them a lot and they were so inexpensive ! I'm so thankful I can support my friend's small business.

I wore a new dress I thrifted and got yesterday. There's a pattern of skulls, roses and chains on it and it's soooo pretty with a 1950s pin-up cut. But my mother had to criticize me as first she saw me wearing it when she went upstairs to say hello.

I had the guts to tell her that when she's talking to me, it's always to put me (or something about me, something I'm wearing, etc) down. In her mouth, it doesn't feel like criticism but plain meanness.

I don't know.

Lots of love,

Coco

 

[coco-kitty]

September 12th

Dear diary,

I think I am a rude, disrespectful person. I cannot talk to my mother in a kind way. I'm often harsh to my boyfriend, whether I'm talking to him directly or talking about him to his own family. I tend to highlight his bad habits and flaws, instead of focusing on what he does right. He is a good man so why am I like this ?

I really hate this about me. I have no brain-to-mouth filter, I am very blunt and I never think before I speak. Never. This hurts people and could cost me relationships.

I don't want to wound anyone with my words. I want to change but I feel like I can't. Maybe I haven't tried hard enough to think before I speak.

When I was a traditional Catholic, I always watched my mouth because I feared having to go to confession, which is one of the only good thing about this time of my life.

I want to change, I want to do and be better because I love people and I don't want to hurt anyone if I can help it. I don't control their feelings or emotions but I can avoid being unnecessarily harsh.

I need help, but how ? what can I change ? How do I do this ?

With love,

Coco

 

[Sitstillsmilesilent]

September 7th

Dear diary,

I struggle to talk kindly to my mother. Even when she's trying to be nice, I snap at her because I feel like she's not being her real self. Her "real self" has never been nice to me.
To me, she's never cared about my life, what I like or what's going on. I was never able to confide in her or ask advice that would not end in her telling me to "go to the cinema" to feel better. When she is asking about my life, it feels very nosey, her not minding her own business even though I know she's my mother and likely to worry about me. It's just that she loves gossip too much.

For a long time, she complained to me about the way I dress (either very "grandma librarian" or grungy-goth) or my haircuts because she had - and still doesn't - no control over these things.
When I started middle school, I had very gothic lolita shoes my grandma got me. She made fun of me publicly and told me people were mocking me.

We can't talk about serious, important topics. The only thing she's interested in is herself and how everything is affecting her. She's unable to care about my dad (whom she hates now) and his health issues for example. She never questions herself, her motives or the fact that she's making people's lives actually miserable. She does not talk to her siblings anymore because of things she wrongly perceives and accuses them of. She's convinced that because they have more diplomas and degrees than her, they think she's stupid. She thinks I view her as stupid. No one ever said this to her. She's super insecure and disguises it under narcissistic habits and words.

She told me that I'm insane for having compassion towards people in Afghanistan, for caring about other people in general. She only wants people to care about her. But she's not my God anymore.

With love,

Coco

Hi Coco

It's so awful hearing your story, you deserved a mother who put you first always and who cared for you, your opinions, your hobbies and every aspect of you even if it's very different to her.
I dont know whether this is helpful, ignore me if so, but have you researched narcissitic mothers? It's something I've been looking into this past year as it always felt so very twisted with my own mother and how much she controlled every tiny aspect of my life whilst simultaneously neglecting me. Either way, I hope this helps in some way and that today you get a peaceful day for yourself, to prioritise You

 

[coco-kitty]

Hi Coco

It's so awful hearing your story, you deserved a mother who put you first always and who cared for you, your opinions, your hobbies and every aspect of you even if it's very different to her.
I dont know whether this is helpful, ignore me if so, but have you researched narcissitic mothers? It's something I've been looking into this past year as it always felt so very twisted with my own mother and how much she controlled every tiny aspect of my life whilst simultaneously neglecting me. Either way, I hope this helps in some way and that today you get a peaceful day for yourself, to prioritise You

Thank you for your kind comment, it really helps. You too deserved a kind mother. Children should never be treated harshly like we were.

I have read a book called "The emotionally absent mother" but I haven't delved into her (very likely) narcissism.

Do you have any particular recommendation ?

 

[Sitstillsmilesilent]

Thank you for your kind comment, it really helps. You too deserved a kind mother. Children should never be treated harshly like we were.

I have read a book called "The emotionally absent mother" but I haven't delved into her (very likely) narcissism.

Do you have any particular recommendation ?

Thank you so much, it's very true how simple it can be to ensure a child has healthy formative years, but we just didnt have normal mothers unfortunately.

I've heard of that book, it sounds really helpful and I definitely need to read. I've been recommended 'Mothers who cant love', but have been struggling to read recently as I get overwhelmed by the flood of memories causing a rage/suicidal thoughts, but the most beneficial book I've read so far is called 'how to be emotionally intelligent' by Andy Cope. Idk about you but I wasnt taught bate basics of interactions and have been exploited by psychopaths and other narcissists as a result

 

[coco-kitty]

Thank you so much, it's very true how simple it can be to ensure a child has healthy formative years, but we just didnt have normal mothers unfortunately.

I've heard of that book, it sounds really helpful and I definitely need to read. I've been recommended 'Mothers who cant love', but have been struggling to read recently as I get overwhelmed by the flood of memories causing a rage/suicidal thoughts, but the most beneficial book I've read so far is called 'how to be emotionally intelligent' by Andy Cope. Idk about you but I wasnt taught bate basics of interactions and have been exploited by psychopaths and other narcissists as a result

Hello,

You're very welcome and I wish you a bright and happy future.

It helped me understand what I needed as a child. There are many helpful journalling prompts in the book : were you seen ? respected ? could you rest and trust in your mother ? what did you need ? were you understood ? did she try to make you different ? what areas did you need mentoring in ? what was valued in your household and what wasn't ?
What are you angry about ? What's beneath the anger ?
What are the different inner children in you ?
Working on your attachment style as a result helps as well.

I have Avoidant personality disorder sooooo dealing with my own emotions and interacting with people aren't my forte at all. I tend to project my own perceptions of myself and insecurities onto them, then I proceed to avoid social interactions as much as possible - although I'm definitely better than I used to be. I'm still very shy.

I definitely need to look this up, thank you !