Childhood Is this COCSA??

[Bellaellawhatever]

I was 5 years old and he was 6, he told me to do “playing doctor”, he made me take off clothes and touch my genitals, and he tried to put his genitals to my body by holding his genitals, but he didn’t put it. This play went through about 4 years, once I said no and he said it’s okay because we are neibors. I asked him Are neighbors closer than family? And he said yes so we can play that game. He always locked the door and made me watch outside so that parents don’t come. It seemed like he felt orgasms for he always enjoyed doing such plays. He touched my genitals, told me not to say what he did to my mom and made me touch his genitals and butt and he was just 10, and i was 9. This play happend for 4 years and I felt like it became trauma.Is this cocsa? Is this abuse? Do I seem like overacting?

 

[Bellaellawhatever]

Is this cocsa? or am i just acting weird?

 

[Bellaellawhatever]

I can’t get this memory out of my head. Thinking about it makes me feel painful. The fact that i also touched his body makes me feel guilty even though he made me to do it because i feel like i’m dirty as same as him. I can’t understand why he did such things to me and even though I got trauma, i feel confused if this Cocsa or just a normal childhood play. Was this normal play between kids or Cocsa? Do I deserve to feel pain from this 4 years experience?

 

[Weemie]

It is, yes. If you didn't want it to be happening and it occurred anyway, it's within the realm of COCSA. It's very probable he was also a victim of abuse. This is not normal play between kids -> kids don't premeditate and "watch out" and "don't tell." And "he made me." That's not ordinary. You absolutely deserve to feel however you feel about it.

 

[Bellaellawhatever]

It is, yes. If you didn't want it to be happening and it occurred anyway, it's within the realm of COCSA. It's very probable he was also a victim of abuse. This is not normal play between kids -> kids don't premeditate and "watch out" and "don't tell." And "he made me." That's not ordinary. You absolutely deserve to feel however you feel about it.

But it’s not that serious problem, right? I feel like i’m the victim of child sexual abuse and I feel like I’m overacting… This experience became ptsd and I felt so much pain and stress from it

 

[Weemie]

But it’s not that serious problem, right?

Subjectively, you get to decide whether or not it's a serious problem. Objectively, it is serious, because it is assault. It also seems that it may have trickled down from the adults in his life, which lends further seriousness to the issue.

I feel like i’m the victim of child sexual abuse and I feel like I’m overacting

Minimizing experiences in this way is common in trauma survivors. It helps us to regulate the emotional impact of pain. You were a victim of this child. This child? Maybe he was a victim as well. Perhaps it was cyclical. Is a child as responsible as an adult? No. Did it harm you? Yes. That is not "over-acting."

 

[Sideways]

But it’s not that serious problem, right?

This is something I think most of us say about the trauma that caused our PTSD.

Thing about mental illness - it doesn't judge our experiences the way we humans are taught to. It doesn't care how much we can trivialise our experiences in our own mind. If they were bad or worse or not a big deal when we compare ourselves with others.

PTSD just is. Parts of your brain were impacted by this experience in a particular way, and now you have this illness. An illness that can be incredibly debilitating, but also one that most people can recover from.

For me, accepting that? Made it a lot easier to move forward. I can minimise my experience all I like, but I was dysfunctional in my daily life, here and now. I was suffering more than I needed to be. And when I put aside my own judgments about "I shouldn't have been effected so bad by that", and dealt with the realities of here and now, my judgement (and minimisation and devaluing) of my own past experiences stopped getting in the way of my recovery.

Was what happened to you bad? You have PTSD - and irrsepective of whether you see it as bad, you have recovering to do. So that this experience doesn't cause you any more suffering.

 

[Bellaellawhatever]

Subjectively, you get to decide whether or not it's a serious problem. Objectively, it is serious, because it is assault. It also seems that it may have trickled down from the adults in his life, which lends further seriousness to the issue.



Minimizing experiences in this way is common in trauma survivors. It helps us to regulate the emotional impact of pain. You were a victim of this child. This child? Maybe he was a victim as well. Perhaps it was cyclical. Is a child as responsible as an adult? No. Did it harm you? Yes. That is not "over-acting."

It was cyclical. But there are no one who abuse him, I’m sure that no one sexually abused him. I think he might had watched porn in his brother’s computer or something. I feel so devastated that my body was used for his curiosity and orgasm. I hate him so much and I think he has responsibility for what he did because he was 10 and seemed like he knew this behavior is inappropriate.

This is something I think most of us say about the trauma that caused our PTSD.

Thing about mental illness - it doesn't judge our experiences the way we humans are taught to. It doesn't care how much we can trivialise our experiences in our own mind. If they were bad or worse or not a big deal when we compare ourselves with others.

PTSD just is. Parts of your brain were impacted by this experience in a particular way, and now you have this illness. An illness that can be incredibly debilitating, but also one that most people can recover from.

For me, accepting that? Made it a lot easier to move forward. I can minimise my experience all I like, but I was dysfunctional in my daily life, here and now. I was suffering more than I needed to be. And when I put aside my own judgments about "I shouldn't have been effected so bad by that", and dealt with the realities of here and now, my judgement (and minimisation and devaluing) of my own past experiences stopped getting in the way of my recovery.

Was what happened to you bad? You have PTSD - and irrsepective of whether you see it as bad, you have recovering to do. So that this experience doesn't cause you any more suffering.

Thank you for sharing your experience. I think i got too much stress more than i should be as what you said. Maybe I’ll seek for therapy or sort of that. Thank you

 

[caroline_13]

I was 5 years old and he was 6, he told me to do “playing doctor”, he made me take off clothes and touch my genitals, and he tried to put his genitals to my body by holding his genitals, but he didn’t put it. This play went through about 4 years, once I said no and he said it’s okay because we are neibors. I asked him Are neighbors closer than family? And he said yes so we can play that game. He always locked the door and made me watch outside so that parents don’t come. It seemed like he felt orgasms for he always enjoyed doing such plays. He touched my genitals, told me not to say what he did to my mom and made me touch his genitals and butt and he was just 10, and i was 9. This play happend for 4 years and I felt like it became trauma.Is this cocsa? Is this abuse? Do I seem like overacting?

You are not overreacting.

I hope you have a good day and get some peace, with time.

 

[Bellaellawhatever]

It is, yes. If you didn't want it to be happening and it occurred anyway, it's within the realm of COCSA. It's very probable he was also a victim of abuse. This is not normal play between kids -> kids don't premeditate and "watch out" and "don't tell." And "he made me." That's not ordinary. You absolutely deserve to feel however you feel about it.

I got so much stress from what he had done to me and I feel like my life has been messed up since he molested me and did bad things to me. My childhood was full of memories of him. And I’m pretty sure he did those behaviors with sexual purpose because I knew that he enjoyed it. Just can’t believe what had happened to me but that disgusting feeling was so real and true.

 

[beaneeboo]

I got so much stress from what he had done to me and I feel like my life has been messed up since he molested me and did bad things to me. My childhood was full of memories of him. And I’m pretty sure he did those behaviors with sexual purpose because I knew that he enjoyed it. Just can’t believe what had happened to me but that disgusting feeling was so real and true.

Bellaellawhatever... oh how I relate to so many things you've said in your post... I totally get where you're coming from.

It sounds like you're dealing with what I imagine so many others who've dealt with cocsa deal with (including myself) - that extra layer of denial and guilt about what happened because the person who did these things to you was a child...

If a boundary is violated, it's violated. And your body won't know the difference between whether that's an adult or a child. All it knows is that it's been violated.

You're asking whether it was abuse. This is something I have struggled about my own cocsa for years. I've come to the conclusion that the word 'abuse' can be difficult to ascribe to self experience for people who've experienced cocsa because it speaks of 'intent' to harm by the other person.

So with cocsa there's an issue with this. Being a child themselves (the perpetrator) they can't have had the same level of intent to harm (if any) as an adult. And so (I'll speak for myself), I'm left confused as to how I can feel so damaged by a child who never meant to hurt me.

But the intent behind the child who commits cocsa can be to do with them needing to play out their own dynamic of whatever is going on for them. E.g their own abuse (and btw if this child was watching porn - that is a form of csa). Essentially they seek out someone to USE to do what they need to do - explore and get sexual gratification. Maybe play out power dynamics. (You say yourself his aim was for sexual purposes. So child or not, you feel you were used for someone else's sexual needs).

So you see, your body doesn't really know the difference about who hurt you. But does know that you've been hurt. You felt used and objectified for someone else's gratification and this has caused you to suffer sypmtoms of csa. Funnily enough (and I relate) you simultaneously say you experience these csa sypmtoms as an adult but can't actually connect to this experience as being abuse because the person who did it to you was a child.

One very helpful video for me (youtube) is 10 facts about child on child sexual abuse by Kati Morton. Look it up - I think you'll find it helpful.

Be gentle with yourself.