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Relationship Is This Considered The Usual?
- Post starter redsandy
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Same here & same to you @redsandy ! :) :hug:
(FWIW, my dad who seemed to have undiagnosed ptsd & I know did have Criterion A truama & the symptoms of ptsd), decided at one point he was going to 'move to the bush'. It took (only) my one sister saying, "Dad! You have a Wife & kids that's F*ckin' Ridiculous!" & he never mentioned it again (though he had researched & employed every form of wind/ water/ solar power in those days unheard of- for years, & I know he researched the property. To others however he was the ever-sweet, kind/ helpful/ true friend/ life of the party/ make everyone feel welcome & great/ make everyone laugh..)
(FWIW, my dad who seemed to have undiagnosed ptsd & I know did have Criterion A truama & the symptoms of ptsd), decided at one point he was going to 'move to the bush'. It took (only) my one sister saying, "Dad! You have a Wife & kids that's F*ckin' Ridiculous!" & he never mentioned it again (though he had researched & employed every form of wind/ water/ solar power in those days unheard of- for years, & I know he researched the property. To others however he was the ever-sweet, kind/ helpful/ true friend/ life of the party/ make everyone feel welcome & great/ make everyone laugh..)
- Post starter
- #27
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- #28
Hhmmmm
I've just had a bit of a thought
There was a fatal incident,,, after which he transferred and went overseas,,,,his first marriage broke down during that time
He then came looking for me,,,, a safe person who he could 'go back to the better times' with
For 18 months he's been telling me is is very unhappy but can't say why - so being with me wasn't the magic cure
He returned to the regiment at the time he said he was unhappy
Now he is talking of buying property in the area he transferred to after the incident - where he felt better?
Does it seem possible he escaped his feelings by transferring out and leaving his marriage,,, running away perhaps?
And now he's seen I'm not the answer he's left me here unaccompanied to dissapear off to that country to see if he can run away again - Which fits in with the denial and refusals and his arrogance?
Maybe?
Or am I psycho analysing from an unqualified place? :)
I've just had a bit of a thought
There was a fatal incident,,, after which he transferred and went overseas,,,,his first marriage broke down during that time
He then came looking for me,,,, a safe person who he could 'go back to the better times' with
For 18 months he's been telling me is is very unhappy but can't say why - so being with me wasn't the magic cure
He returned to the regiment at the time he said he was unhappy
Now he is talking of buying property in the area he transferred to after the incident - where he felt better?
Does it seem possible he escaped his feelings by transferring out and leaving his marriage,,, running away perhaps?
And now he's seen I'm not the answer he's left me here unaccompanied to dissapear off to that country to see if he can run away again - Which fits in with the denial and refusals and his arrogance?
Maybe?
Or am I psycho analysing from an unqualified place? :)
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- #29
Sweetpea76
VIP Member
That's easy to do @redsandy... Playing armchair psychiatrist. As supporters, we tend to just want to "fix" or "help" and we can't, so then we settle for trying to understand what's going on in their heads. That never works, because everybody is so individual, there's no way of knowing.
There are only a few things we can do.
1. Be patient and calm. That's easier said than done, but just relaxing and rolling with it not only does wonders for YOUR mental health, but it helps your sufferers as well. They can't deal with their own high emotions when they're stressed or symptomatic, so they really can't deal with ours.
2. Set and enforce your boundaries. Being a martyr doesnt help. Sacrificing yourself for your love isn't romantic, it's codependent. It only works in fairy tales.
3. Learn about PTSD. Research. Understand how the disorder works. It makes miles of difference. Miles.
4. Take care of yourself, because your sufferer isn't always going to be able. In the event of an emergency, put your own oxygen mask on first.
Also, vets with combat PTSD are no more likely to physically abuse their partners than any other vet. That's a myth, and sadly a popular one. If he isn't physically violent with you otherwise, his PTSD isn't going to make him do so. Even with PTSD, he still makes the decision to abuse.
Don't get me wrong, PTSD can cause feelings of rage, and when stressed or triggered, and some sufferers will lash out. Combat vets have been trained to fight in "fight or flight" situations, so sometimes some vets can be aggressive. That's where boundaries kick in. Aggression doesn't equal physical violence, but you still don't have to tolerate it. Set your boundaries. I will not tolerate name calling, breaking my things, yelling at my kids, what have you. Decide what your deal breakers are. The most important boundary for all of us should be that It is never ok to lay hands on another person in anger. I don't care if my vet had PTSD, a brain tumor, devil possession, and a pick ax in his skull... Nothing going on in his brain justifies him hurting me physically.
There are only a few things we can do.
1. Be patient and calm. That's easier said than done, but just relaxing and rolling with it not only does wonders for YOUR mental health, but it helps your sufferers as well. They can't deal with their own high emotions when they're stressed or symptomatic, so they really can't deal with ours.
2. Set and enforce your boundaries. Being a martyr doesnt help. Sacrificing yourself for your love isn't romantic, it's codependent. It only works in fairy tales.
3. Learn about PTSD. Research. Understand how the disorder works. It makes miles of difference. Miles.
4. Take care of yourself, because your sufferer isn't always going to be able. In the event of an emergency, put your own oxygen mask on first.
Also, vets with combat PTSD are no more likely to physically abuse their partners than any other vet. That's a myth, and sadly a popular one. If he isn't physically violent with you otherwise, his PTSD isn't going to make him do so. Even with PTSD, he still makes the decision to abuse.
Don't get me wrong, PTSD can cause feelings of rage, and when stressed or triggered, and some sufferers will lash out. Combat vets have been trained to fight in "fight or flight" situations, so sometimes some vets can be aggressive. That's where boundaries kick in. Aggression doesn't equal physical violence, but you still don't have to tolerate it. Set your boundaries. I will not tolerate name calling, breaking my things, yelling at my kids, what have you. Decide what your deal breakers are. The most important boundary for all of us should be that It is never ok to lay hands on another person in anger. I don't care if my vet had PTSD, a brain tumor, devil possession, and a pick ax in his skull... Nothing going on in his brain justifies him hurting me physically.
EveHarrington
VIP Member
Sounds like he may be running.
Not said from a PTSD standpoint, just based on his behavior.
:hug:
Not said from a PTSD standpoint, just based on his behavior.
:hug:
@redsandy - Just want you to know you are not alone. My vet saw 25 years of service with 10 tours to 3 different wars. He was high ranking and remains a driven, alpha male type. Like a lot of PTSD sufferers (and like the rest of us too) a new relationship can seem for a short time like the cure for all your ills. Inevitably of course it isn't. You are not to blame for the fact that you have no magic wand. Hugs if you accept them.
- Post starter
- #32
Thank you
Serial marriages seem to happen quite often on here :(
Yes,,, 23yrs so far - 15 to go,,,, every zone since '93 :(
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