Is This 'learned Helplessness' Or Something Else?

[NovemberStar]

I'm stuck - very stuck. Sorry it's long - I'm not able to articulate this :-(

Began new wave of flashbacks a couple of months ago. All to do with one incident. The cause I can't remember - the aftermath: I run to my bedroom, put myself in my bedroom cupboard. I am terrified. I feel trapped. I am completely emotionally alone and feel abandoned and see no way out. I eventually leave the cupboard. I walk around the room, and feel so hopeless, depressed - I am suicidal. I was about nine or ten years old. I realise I am complexly ALONE emotionally. My mother is the abuser. My father is emotionally absent. I have NO ONE.

I worked through the flashbacks and even came up with a revised version in which I became empowered - I left the safety of my room. I found my mother sitting in her chair and I stabbed her. She died and I was free. But then I was overcome with loyalty and could not leave her. I could not leave her side.


The flashbacks started again - right back to me being in the cupboard. Now - I cannot get myself to leave it. I'm angry. In the images I want to self harm. I do NOT feel safe leaving or coming out. I've been with psych services for two weeks now. On the second meeting my case manger bought up discharging me back to my GP and she just plans to see me monthly.

This has left me feeling abandoned. it's like my inner child won't come out of the cupboard until SHE feels safe - until she feels the right heroes are there. The adult me is so afraid of 'going back there' I can't help the little me.

I feel I cannot do this - it feels so much like I need SOMEONE to save me - to help me out of the cupboard. Logically I know it's not possible - that as an adult I must take care of myself. EMOTIONALLY - I feel angry (!!!!) at the world for not helping me out of the cupboard.

It feels like I will become worse and more destructive because I feel so angry and in so much pain. Part of me knows this could kill me ultimately - I feel so stuck. And most of all - I feel totally INCAPABLE of being able to handle or even tolerate the emotional pain behind the flashbacks. My depression is worse and I'm giving up on processing the flashback anymore, because I feel it's entirely up to ME to get through it safely and manage it. I just feel I can't.

Most days I have periods of a couple of hours where I am suicidal and very depressed. Psych services and my case manger know this. I asked for phone calls as support over the weekend. Despite my still feeling suicidal and depressed and hopeless, the phone calls stopped for the week. I have to be the one to initiate the contact. Phoning them and saying how I feel leaves me feeling worse -I don't feel they either believe me or take me seriously, or they assume I can handle it. It's not that I want to be in hospital necessarily - but it would feel 'safer' if it felt like it was an option.

The situation with psych services leaves me feeling more and more abandoned and emotionally let down. This feeds into my PTSD - childhood abuse and emotional abandonment. It's leaving me feeling even more helpless, hopes and stuck :-(

It's worse now I feel they can't help me any ore than they are. I feel I have to do it myself and I just don't feel I can.

So how can I begin to feel I can cope?

 

[presentjoy]

I can identify with learned helplessness or ________. I have the same challenge when it comes to calling my therapist, which she has asked me to do if I'm feeling in a bad spot, and yet I feel I can't.

Lately I haven't been able to phone crisis lines either. But have you tried that? It can be helpful to just talk to a random person. I can feel like that's easier because they are so random it's not burdening any one person. The unfortunate thing is they are usually time limited in my experience. When I have phoned them, it's been helpful on some level. Just to feel like I'm not affecting any relationships with providers or others.

Sorry you are having trouble coping. Is there any little thing that can help you? Recently I started painting, because it's calming and it's something external to focus on. Do you have any thing, little even, like making a tea, that could help you be in the moment and not feel stuck? When I feel that helpless, I kind of go to the really concrete things.

I hope you keep writing. Keep reaching out here. It can be slow sometimes for people to respond, but it can still be helpful to read, and if you haven't started a diary, maybe that is a good outlet? I have really been appreciating my diary here.

 

[Chincho]

I'm sorry you're in a bad place NovemberStar!!

Please, remember that we're here. We're listening. You can write and there will always be someone here for you. You are not alone.

 

[Hashi]

I've been with psych services for two weeks now. On the second meeting my case manger bought up discharging me back to my GP and she just plans to see me monthly

The situation with psych services leaves me feeling more and more abandoned and emotionally let down. This feeds into my PTSD - childhood abuse and emotional abandonment.

I'm wondering whether you have any professional support outside psych services, like a regular psychotherapist. Or if not, whether this is an option.

I'm afraid I don't quite understand the role of psych services here. Is it for crisis management? If so, it doesn't sound like they're doing that adequately, but perhaps they're ticking the boxes that they have to tick. From what you say, it doesn't sound like there's anything in place for long term work on recovery. I think with appropriate help and support you could stabilise and work towards your adult self helping your younger self, but without regular (eg weekly), reliable therapy that would be very difficult to achieve on your own. In the meantime, I can imagine that the situation with psych services is feeding into your feelings of abandonment. It must be awful.

A therapist can't save you, but they can be someone to lean on, guide you, be there for you, listen, validate and help you find your way. I think you need a therapist you can build up trust and a relationship with over time, and work closely with, and it sounds like you don't have that. Is that the case? If so, is regular, ongoing therapy something you could get a referral for?

 

[NovemberStar]

I do see a therapist weekly and I began seeing private psychologist six weeks ago. I've only been able to afford to see her once a fortnight but as of this week (I hope) I plan to see the psychologist weekly - I find she 'gets it'!!!! She has written a letter to my psychiatrist what I posted above, how I feel there interaction triggers me and doesn't help. I meet with the psychiatrist this Thursday. I can only hope things change for the better. I told the psychologist that when I telephone them saying I feel suicidal I feel they don't care - that because I am 'functional' (ie -I go to work) they must think if I do kill myself its due to a rational choice and so its up to me if I do or not. That I felt if i was 'psychotic' they would give me more help - but that they must see my being suicidal as my choice if I act on it or not. She said that must leave me feeling very very alone. She does get it.

I hope her letter helps them understand me better and HOPEFULLY we can work out how they can best help me instead of trigger me.

I don't often feel suicidal now, because I have lapsed into my eating disorder again in order to cope. It really feels like that without my eating disorder, the suicidal feelings would be too intense for me to cope. The eating disorder numbs me out - hence I don't feel as suicidal as often. Its all about survival.

 

[Hashi]

I'm so glad you have someone who gets it.

Still not too sure what the psych team's/[psychiatrist's remit is, and I can't help wondering if you can lean more on your therapist and private psychologist and less on psych services. It really sounds like they aren't helpful.

I think I understand what you say about the eating disorder. Survival is survival. Still, I hope that in time your work in weekly therapy can shift to other coping mechanisms. Please know I mean no judgement. I'd be in no position to judge, having had really big problems with drinking. I know that you have to do what you have to do. I just wish better things for you, in time, and I hope that your support will help you with that.

Sending good wishes to you, NovemberStar.