Childhood Is This Normal? Sexual Behaviour?

[CDKLaw]

When you say he would tickle or touch or lightly grab private parts, do you mean, just your bottom, lik...

He would pinch my behind and I told him I didn't like it but that didn't seem to be important to him. He would grab my little brother's penis for a joke and I hated to see him do it. He thought it was funny. And one time I told my grandmother that he'd tickled between my legs which I vividly remember but everyone got really mad at me for making things up and convinced me that that could not have happened.

 

[Lola Nocheprieta]

Let's get away from the words "normal" versus "abusive," just for now. It really sounds to me that your father was intrusive, physically and verbally, not just "inappropriate." He did not respect your boundaries even when you clearly articulated them. It sounds like your whole family invalidated your feelings, your experience, and your need for comfort and safety. Intrusion and invalidation is f*cked up. Disrespecting boundaries instead of teaching your child how to develop healthy boundaries? Deeply f*cked up.

 

[Sweet_E]

My set father use to pull me out of bed, pull my underwear into a weggie and slap my butt when I was 14...

Whether it is considered "abuse" by a therapist or society or not, it was very traumatic and it was wrong. I'm sorry that happened to you.

 

[EveHarrington]

My set father use to pull me out of bed, pull my underwear into a weggie and slap my butt when I was 14...

That's abusive. Period.

:hug:

 

[EveHarrington]

I am still struggling to understand it! I just feel as if I could get to grips with understanding it, it...

Unfortunately understanding why abusive people do the things they do doesn't bring healing.

You're not alone. There are many posts here like yours simply asking the question "why?"

 

[Kolten]

I'm sorry you even have to contemplate your thoughts here or second guess what may have been. This is terrible. I day very abnormal and seems to be very predatory and sexually abusive in my opinion. I would speak to ur T For sure about this.

 

[totally abuse]

I agree, it's abusive. As a survivor of CSA with repressed memories and CPTSD I spent my whole life sort of dealing with the question. The question is "are we going to have sex now." Because you've just done something either to me or in front of me that begs the question. My belief is you are not supposed to deal with that as a child and it certainly shouldn't be coming from a parent and if it is something is seriously wrong.

The difficult part is trying to figure out what it did to you. As for the therapist they are idiots mostly. I spent years and years describing the sexual things that happened to me in my childhood and they would ignore me or tell me "that's normal." WTF no, it's not. Looking back, any therapist with any kind of training should have been able to peg me as a survivor with ptsd, it was so obvious.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

It was SOOO hard for me to understand that my past wasn't normal and was abuse. And most say its "extreme". I still can't say it was "bad" or "horrible". I still struggle with it but I can say it was abuse and torture. But that took years. About 5 or so. But thats me.

I grew up in a cult and left at 19 so I never got to see a "normal" family so my therapist used his own family, stories of his family, as an example of what "normal" is and had me compare it.

The biggest thing is "what if it happened to someone else"? So if someone else told me that their father fondled them between their legs, was always nude with an erection (even nudest camps that allow children have a strict background check and continuous checking though i dont agree with it, but anyway), touched them and it felt wrong, etc, would I feel that was wrong and abuse? I've always been able to see that it was abuse if it happened to someone else, I just justified it for me as not being like everyone else (and other stuff).

The other biggest thing was "is it possible to be abusive? Is it just possible?" Opening my mind up to it being possible. Just possible.

Yes, I call that abusive and pedophile behavior. But you dont have to see it as such right now. Just open yourself up as being possible. You can work on the remainder.

 

[Gs172003]

Was it just your dad? Was your mom around?

 

[Msbliz62]

Really? See, that definitely sounds dodgy. That's like the kind of thing my father would have done. He a...

My stepfather did that to me too

 

[Deleted member 35429]

Definitely not normal from my perspective. I don't remember any friends growing up like that either. No one should see their father's erection even once. Definitely not repeatedly. That's revolting,

 

[Abstract]

I think there is something in us that recognises when there is intent or when something is done for personal gratification. We get that creep feeling and feel our boundaries are being crossed. We can of course also get that feeling if we have had previous related abuse and are exposed to "innocent" triggers.

Inappropriate stuff can vary between full blown physical assault, to exploitation via exposure to non age appropriate stuff, to stuff that could in some contexts be innocent but which is not because of factors that are hard to put into words. The persons tone of voice, their body language, things we can't quantify and yet know are off and wrong. The last lot are the lot that could potentially be considered Innocent but which in context are far from it.

Sexual abuse doesn't have to be physical. It can be psychological or verbal. I have also heard the term covert sexual abuse. Where the abuse is indirect and related to boundaries. Sometimes it is used in terms of the nature of the relationship (adult child) but other times it relates to what the child is exposed to. Talk, exposure to nudity that doesn't feel innocent (some nudity absolutely is), Invasion of ones own nudity or privacy, content of conversations that are not appropriate in flavour for age and context etc. If there is sexual intent behind what could in other contexts be considered innocent enough then it isn't innocent. Its really hard to be on the receiving end of this behaviour. Its a little like gas lighting as the person is usually clever enough to stay away from anything that could objectively be considered abuse in an absolute -proof-in-court way. They might even convince themselves its innocent.

Feelings of invasion don't happen for no reason. In an innocent naturalist environment for example - there is no sexual backdrop. In a family situation where children's bottoms are pinched innocently - there is no sexual backdrop. I hope you find a therapist who can discuss with you how this left you feeling and who doesn't invalidate your response to it. If it helps then you don't need to give it any label at all. What is most important is the damage done by his behaviour and to the little, and adult, you.