Sexual Assault Is This Sexual Assault? Please Help

[Casey_03]

Yes, you were sexually assaulted. And I agree with @RussH that the guy knew he was sexually assaulting you and knew what he was doing was wrong if he pretended to be asleep. You didn't send him any signal -- he assaulted you and sounds like a sleaze. It's really f*cked up that this situation has even triggered responses saying that getting into bed with him could have been a signal, and as girls we need to always have our guards up and so on. Because that's exactly what a rapist would say as a defense -- "well, she got into the bed with me, how was I to know?" And here we are, some of us sexual abuse victims ourselves, echoing the excuses of rapists and abusers and thinking it's normal. Yes, it's true that there are pervs out there and women need to be on the lookout, all of that is absolutely true -- but the burden of preventing rape shouldn't be on women/the victims -- all that does is absolve the pervs of responsibility. The poster said she had told this guy she wasn't interested in him sexually. Yes, she slept in his bed -- with her clothes on. In a passed out state. I see how a rapist could have a field day with that situation, but I don't see how any normal, non-rapey guy can think she gave him the go ahead.

 

[joeylittle]

who was well aware that I didn't want any sexual contact with him,

How long ago did this conversation happen, and to the best of your recollection, what did you say?

 

[Weemie]

You were passed out drunk in a guys bed. I am not saying it was your fault, but you could have easily avoided any temptation on the male's part

I am sorry to take this aside, but I have an issue with the way that this is worded. The perception that men are just monsters and we must constantly exercise vigilance at all times or else risk tempting them into raping us is some f*cked up patriarchal bullshit designed to keep men from being accountable for their behaviors.

Would you sexually assault someone who was drunk and passed out in your bed? No, because you are not a rapist.

Perhaps I should not be so shocked to find such a sentiment on this forum, but I suppose that this is the last place that I expected it to crop up.

 

[Ronin]

Women need to be pro active in ensuring their own safety.

No, rapists and molesters of any gender need to not be rapists and molesters.
Full stop, not negotiable.

 

[shimmerz]

tempting them into raping us is some f*cked up patriarchal bullshit designed to keep men from being accountable for their behaviors.

I am not speaking about anyone tempting anyone into rape. I am saying we are the ones who are ultimately in charge of our own personal safety. Drunk and in someone's bed, could have been a woman for gods sake.... is not taking one's personal safety seriously. As a matter of fact, the bed didn't need to be there even. Being so drunk as to pass out is not setting oneself up for safety.

 

[Ronin]

not setting oneself up for safety.

There's no safety with rapists around.
Oh, wait, there is, but we're not going into removing the rapist.

TLDR that logic is flawed.
There could be thousands precautions and perps be perps still.

 

[shimmerz]

We will agree to disagree. Personal responsibility for one's safety does matter. Especially in this world today. Not much different than leaving a hundred dollar bill on the table and walking away... surprised that it is missing when you come back. People are f*cked up. I absolute believe the guy should be charged and there is no fault of her own in the assault.... but moving forward this should be a lesson learned for her.

 

[Ronin]

but moving forward this should be a lesson learned for her.

The problem with this is it may teach responsibility, but it also may teach always looking for what the person's done wrong, aka living in the constant state of anxiety & a numerous other problems that message is sending.

Whatever she may have done better, may have helped, and may have not. We can't know that. We just know the guy's a perp. Not on her, not her fault, and not something she 'didn't take care of enough'.

 

[Weemie]

I am not speaking about anyone tempting anyone into rape.

The part of your post that I quoted directly states this. I fail to see any alternate interpretation.

Drunk and in someone's bed, could have been a woman for gods sake.... is not taking one's personal safety seriously.

Being passed out in someone's bed is not a "sexual signal." Unless you are a rapist. It is not "up to" someone to "avoid" getting raped. It is up to human beings to avoid raping one another.

 

[Ronin]

Being passed out in someone's bed is not a "sexual signal." Unless you are a rapist. It is not "up to" someone to "avoid" getting raped. It is up to human beings to avoid raping one another.

All of this.

I rest my case.

 

[Sideways]

This guy raped you. Whatever you 'could' have done differently, to get a better outcome with the benefit of hindsight, doesn't change that. You've been raped, and I'm terribly sorry. I hope you have a good support network around you - seek therapy if you think you might benefit from the support.

Living in the real world, as we do, where people can be real monsters in disguise, we learn from these experiences. It doesn't lessen the damage that has been done to us to decide, "Ok, I'm not going to put myself in that position again".

Hopes for your healing and safety.

 

[Air]

We will agree to disagree. Personal responsibility for one's safety does matter. Especially in this...

I try to think of this in much the same way as I would other crimes. For instance if you left your car unlocked and then came back to find things missing from it, much less serious crime yes, but still sound in principle I think. If this happened, I would say that the car owner should have locked their car. Is it still the thief's fault? Undoubtedly, and if found he should be charged, but it's not wrong (though I'd say a bit harsh so soon after) to say that they should have locked their car. In this situation it's the same: yes it was sexual assault, and yes that person should be charged for it, but it also is a bad idea to pass out drunk in a bed with anyone, guy or girl. If a male friend woke up to someone he wasn't attracted to giving him a handjob, I'd call that sexual assault too, but I'd also definitely think (though if he was very upset about this I wouldn't say it right away, or at all) that he should definitely not have passed out drunk in that person's bed.