Is Transference a Bad Thing in Therapy?

[hithere]

Someone told me today that it sounded like I had transference with my counselor and that I saw my counselor as a caring parent or caring older adult (that I never had)--it was said in such a way that it sounds like transference is a bad thing in therapy. It was suggested that because I don't want to talk about painful things with anyone else, but only my counselor, that I have this "transference" and that I needed to quit seeing the counselor and start talking about painful things with other people. She also said I need to just see my counselor for what they are: a paid professional and nothing more. I told this person that I will have to give myself time to "grieve" when I quit therapy or leave because I'll miss the counselor. (not the executive me--the traumatised me--hope that makes sense) I didn't get to ask this woman why she felt that this transerence of "caring adult" is is a bad thing for me.

I don't know really understand anything about transference. I can say that any feelings of "care" that I had felt originally in therapy sent me into a terror/panick runaway-from-counseling-as-fast-as-you-can feelings. It was very anxiety-producing. I stuck it out in therapy though and I believed my terror at feeling "care" was because those who"cared" for me were dangerous and other stuff. I thought I should stick it out and endure the scary feelings that "trust" stirred up.

This person is right in that it's true that I see this counselor as someone who cares about me. Is that bad? I'm so confused now and I've been thinking about this nonstop since this woman told me this. I have an attachment to this counselor. That's true. My counselor knows this; it's a topic discussion. However, I was never told by my counselor that is harmful for me or that it's "transference." Thanks in advance for your thoughts.

 

[MyWillow]

So....my first thought is, what makes this “someone” qualified to tell you this?

I think transference is common in life. It just gets intensified in the therapeutic relationship. It’s not that it happens but how your T works through it with you that is important.

I’m wary as all hell of my psydoc although I really do think she’s fabulous. That’s probably a bit of transference. How does she deal with it? By not pushing the closeness of the relationship too hard. She is very interested in what makes me tick but the way she maintains some formality and business like aspects actually stops me running a mile. Like when she gave me her personal email address I said that was kind of her. She replied “not really, it’s just all part of the service.” Which HELPS me as I’m more likely to use it if I need to because I’m paying for the service. I don’t feel like I’m imposing. Because I don’t like relying on anyone or needing anyone. Not something we’ve openly discussed so she’s done well to nail it.

With my T, I am now realising the flashbacks I was having in session were totally about transference. I was triggered as hell and neither of us understood why. But it’s becoming clearer now.

 

[Friday]

don't want to talk about painful things with anyone else, but only my counselor, that I have this "transference" and that I needed to quit seeing the counselor and start talking about painful things with other people

Seems like a pretty all or nothing kind of option.

Maybe the better idea would be to recognize the imbalance of only confiding in one person, and start to confide in others as well as this one vetted / safe / established person?

I don't know really understand anything about transference.

It’s mostly a psychodynamic thing, not all forms of psychology (there are roughly a dozen or so common schools of thought) even recognize it, much less actively encourage or discourage it.

This person is right in that it's true that I see this counselor as someone who cares about me. Is that bad? I'm so confused now and I've been thinking about this nonstop since this woman told me this. I have an attachment to this counselor

IME/IMO attachments are neither good nor bad, in and of themselves. What makes them good/bad is the context & the ability to form them / how they’re formed.

If someone is the first person you’ve really connected with in awhile -or ever- and it forms the foundation to begin to connect with others in a myriad of different ways? Awesome Sauce! With a generous helping of Hell Yes, More of That! :tup: Cherry on top.

If someone is a fixated object of your affection, excluding all others, as you obsess over them? :eek: Bad juju.

Same situation, a therapist being the only person you connect with, wildly different context. (Not the only options, by any means, just showcasing a couple of opposites).

How connections are formed, meanwhile? Is it because they’ve earned your respect & trust over time by being trustworthy & deserved of your respect? Or is it a lasso-like bond you force onto anyone in your proximity? Or is it something they create by slowly cutting you off from all other avenues of influence?

So it’s not a black & white / all or nothing thing. The exact same situation can have both super healthy & super unhealthy versions & variants.

So....my first thought is, what makes this “someone” qualified to tell you this?

This.

If it’s someone you trust & respect? I’d say it’s worth examining to see if there’s any truth in it. It could be a harmless truth, like the first part of a new relationships where friendships take a back seat, until balance can be achieved again.(Hey! I’ve noticed this, and fix it!) Or it could be a serious truth. (I’m deeply concerned about what I’m seeing here.) Or it could be dead wrong. (Water? Is super dry. You need to wrap yourself in chocolate covered ants IMMEDIATELY to keep from getting dried out from all that water you’re drinking. I’m telling you this because I care, and I’ve seen you drinking water, without a protective covering of sugared insects. Please, god, either drink water the right way or stop drinking!) Hey, I trust and respect a few crazy ass people. Doesn’t mean they’re right all the time, just because I love them. Hell. Some of them I either ignore on principle or make a point of doing the opposite of what they suggest. The benefit of knowing people well, means knowing their quirks.

If it’s not someone you trust and respect? I’d take whatever they say wi5 about a margaritas worth of salt. It doesn’t mean they’re wrong, but it doesn’t lead any creedance to what they say, either.

***
I think it’s really important to note, that whether you believe in transferance or not, that care & affection can exist in a completely professional setting... without getting pathological. Doctors and nurses often care for their patients, teachers for their students, mechanics for the guy who keeps trying to fix his car himself and comes in with the blinker wired to the radio blasting him with sound every time he turns right. You can care about someone without wanting to date them, or be besties... And if you do go for the whole transferance thing (mixing up people with other people, like a mentor as a parent &/or a parent-figure-different things on a spectrum) It doesn’t HAVE to be transferance, simply because emotions exist.

 

[Abstract]

Transference is pretty complex and I think each situation needs to be looked at individually but the way I see it: transference is only bad if the t doesn't identify it and it isn't used constructively in therapy. Transference also doesn't just mean caring about the t. Very roughly its when we transfer our feelings about one person/situation onto another. We do it all the time in life in some way or other. In t it can potentially be very healing if used properly. Lets say you feel afraid of your t because you start feeling about her as you did an abuser and she and you overcome this? Healing. It all just depends. Some forms of t actively use and other types don't really. Not in so many words.

Discuss it with your t - or the specific situation you are describing rather than "transference" itself - and don't worry about random unqualified peoples opinions. In my opinion.

 

[hithere]

A psychiatrist said these things to me. My first time seeing this psychiatrist (and probably last) I didn't want to go into any details or get into "therapy" type stuff with this new person. This psychiatrist seriously also triggered me, told me not to interupt them, and I was immediately "back there" for 12 hours. I did not feel safe AT ALL. But everything said is true; I am attached it took a long long time I had serious abandonment issues (I think those are way, way better now. I just don't feel that fear of being abandoned like I used to.) It took me over a year just to let some of the guard down. I told my T things that I never dreamed I'd tell anyone.

 

[Friday]

Cha. An asshole you form an instant dislike to tells you something without any foundation of knowing you, or your situation, & entirely in their own self interest?

Bartender! Another margarita over here! I’ve had to deal with self serving morons today! Salt alone isn’t enough to scrape this guy off my shoe.

Attempting to undercut your relationship with your therapist because you wouldn’t talk to him? I’d say you made a FINE decision in not telling him jack shit or word one. DO tell your therapist what he did, ‘Kay? It was dangerously unprofessional of him. Knowing you have trust and attachment issues, he deliberately tried to put a wedge between you and your T. That’s wrong.

 

[MyWillow]

I’m with @Friday

Margheritas on me ;)

 

[MrMoonlight]

I'm deep in with the margaritas right now.

 

[FauxLiz]

I am joining everyone only I have a pitcher of margaritas. Transference happens in many relationships not just therapy but I can honestly say without the both paternal and erotic transference I had for my last therapist I would never have been able to build the trust necessary to tell him things I had never told another person my entire life.

 

[Abstract]

Angry now. For you not at you of course. ?

 

[grit]

I use transference based therapy and I can tell you without having the real life of comparing how I am still battling THERE and how I am actually HERE! I would not be able to heal.
I have had a lot of extremely negative transference and each negative one, I have grown exponentially. Each negative transference has been a godsend for me but difficult for my therapist and I do apologise and remind my therapist when I am not in transference and also I share how I am progressing when I am in the HERE AND NOW.

The bad thing about transference is if the therapist is not experienced enough or ignores them and the client knows even less about it. It is very easy to regress and stay there and this can set people back into extreme dependence and infantile states...which unfortunately can also increase aggression. It is bad when it is bad but it is extremely good when it is good.

I would not heal in therapy if I avoided transference...that would mean, I have to resist any internalisation of the therapist and keep my mom rent free up there!

As long as you do not stop living and do not take all feelings so serious that they are for the therapist, you will be fine. If you see having extreme feeling toward the therapist, whether love, sex, hate, envy or liking too much or whatever, you know that is from your past and you are projecting it to him/her. People forget about this and forever start a new battle with the therapist. I did that and still do it and realising OK, time to take a turn.

but the beauty is when I start battle with the therapist, I am no longer battling with my mother and I am getting closer to the door out of my childhood trauma. It is work though!

 

[hithere]

@Friday thank you. After reading your comments, and a new perspective today, I do think this dr is a big A-hole. Something else happend with that psych dr that I may write what happened later. Right now I just want to forget it, i've wasted so much time dwelling on it.

@grit thank you so much. What do you mean by resisting the internalisation of your therapist and keep you mom up there rent free? I don't know what you mean by that. Your comments help a lot so I'd like to understand what you mean.