Relationship Isolation Ending, Now What?

[Becksknox]

I posted a couple weeks ago that my vet with PTSD had gone back to the isolation period. Now he's at the stage, which I vaguely remember from a year ago, where he is telling me how wonderful and perfect I am and he's just a dumbass that deserves so much better than him. So this leads to the push pull. If I pull him when he says these things he immediately pushes me away again. I'm leaving Friday to go see him, how do I handle this? I want to let him lead and not push him at all.

Any help is appreciated!!!!

 

[desiderata310]

What do you mean by "pull him"?

When I'm in a weird place sometimes receiving encouragement is frustrating, embarrassing and makes me want to hide. For some reason that I don't understand I go on the defensive. Honestly I don't know why I do it or how to change it except to try to fight a burning rage of self-hate.

Dunno for certain but it sounds more like he's beating himself up and for whatever reason your willingness to forgive makes him hate himself more. That's all speculation.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

A veteran will isolate because of the memory of what they have had to do when performing their duty to protect innocence. As in all walks of life innocent lives are sadly lost as a result of conflict. IMHO he wants to be able to protect you from those memories so as not to transfer any of his guilt onto you. Just like a parent will hide the fact that they were abused from their kids. I know I have. I know this is a bad time for both of you with the uncertainty involved.

He clearly loves you @Becksknox . Hold onto that but remember to look after yourself first.

:hug:s

Laurie

 

[Becksknox]

Thank you @Santa_Laurie!!! You're always a blessing. I think this is similar to the stage last year where his feelings for me flood back back he doesn't want me to suffer in his private hell. I try my best to not push but I remind him that I love him despite all the broken pieces just as he loves all of my broken pieces. Then he gets quiet and scared and starts to shut down. I never know the right thing to say

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Keep reminding him of all the good things in life, He needs to heal for himself, those scars cut deep, really deep just like the scars of abuse cut deep. Watching Innocent Civilians die for no good reason or watching innocent victims of any travesty is so painful emotionally. Like your SO, I have hidden demons that are hidden for a reason, because they scare me to death, let alone the fear they would instill in others. They literally stay with us for life.

I sincerely wish you all comfort and healing.

 

[Becksknox]

Thank you @Santa_Laurie as always.

 

[Becksknox]

@desiderata310 What you describe sounds dead on. The more I forgive and try to understand he gets upset.

What do I do? I don't want to push him away, but want him to know that I love all of his broken parts unconditionally.

 

[desiderata310]

For me, my therapist simply speaking quietly and consistently,"it's ok" and "you don't have to apologize"

I constantly apologize. He finally told me he was going to limit the number of times I could say 'I'm sorry'.:banghead:

It's a trigger thing. The worse I'm triggered the more I apologize. I expect... Disgust?Wrath? Anger? Abandonment? All of the above...

I struggle through it and I have gotten a little better.
I guess just keep standing where you are. That seems to have helped me

 

[Becksknox]

@desiderata310 Thank you. I just try to be consistent always.