It Just Never Ends

[idiosyncratic]

sorry in advance for the rant...

I've been working really hard on trying to move on with my life.. or at least that's what my T says to me. I don't feel like I've been trying at all.. how much "trying" have I done if I'm still miserable? I've done school and I volunteer and now I'm trying to look for a job, but it's so hard to work on those cover letters and talk about how great of an asset I would be when I pretty much hate everything about myself.

Something happened recently where I thought that there was maybe, finally, a light at the end of the tunnel... even just a speck of light, but... as it has always been, I was just imagining it, fantasizing it; it was never there.

I'm just so sick of it. I know I won't.. can't end it all because I feel tremendous guilt. I already feel tremendous guilt for how my life turned out and how I can't be a "better person" for my family so doing "it" would just break them and I just can't do that to them, but.... I can't stand living like this. everyday, every moment is painful. it's just so hard and I don't know what to do anymore.

 

[FindingMyself88]

Wow, I could have written this very same post myself, right down to the guilt of failing family (well for some, and just people in general) and that being the reason behind not ending it all.

However beneath it all, there is a drive to keep going I know for me, and sounds like for you. My T just tells me to do all I can to survive right now and self sooth, that she will help guide me to that light at the end of the tunnel. I pray your T can help you do the same.

I'm here if you ever need to talk, sorry I don't have much else to offer aside from DEEP empathy.:hug:

 

[KwanYingirl]

Taking action when you're feeling really depressed will change your mood. Force yourself to get your body moving. You have a lot on your plate now with school and trying to be happy about finding a job. Just write your resume when you're the rational, functional adult. If that won't work, you can hire people to write your resume .

Everyone seems to be down lately. I wonder if there are solar flares happening, or some planet in retrograde. Best to take one day at a time

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Are you treating your depression at all? Yeah, its great if you can get back to life by working and volunteering and such, but if you're not treating the underlying symptoms, what is the point? You'll still be miserable.

 

[idiosyncratic]

@Solara I am, and have been, treating my depression (and anxiety and ptsd) and do feel that I've made some gains, but in my messed up mind, it doesn't feel like enough.. that I'm not doing enough because I'm not where I want to be (ie. working and contributing to my family and to society). It is a very black and white, all or nothing mentality which I know is my thinking errors, however even though I know it's a thinking error and I try to counteract it, my mind is so good at making excuses that the "good" of noticing my own thinking errors doesn't last.

What bothers me a lot is that I've been in a CBT program for a while now. My T noticed that it's very hard for me to challenge my thoughts using thought records because, again, I just make excuses for those excuses and then ruminate on how I don't believe anything I say. We used behavior activation to "prove" that I can do things.. change your behavior, change your thoughts, change your mood.. but even with that all I can think about is "Okay, I can do this thing, I can volunteer and help in the community, but so what? I'm still not contributing to society or to my family."

I'm frustrated and so disappointed in myself that even being in therapy for so long and learning all these "skills", I seem to not be able to do anything. I'm still this useless person who, even through intervention, can't get out of this negative thinking pattern. I swing between depression and anxiety so frequently that I feel like I'm never going to get out of this pattern.

There were times where I thought I had a hold of my depression, but one tiny setback, it derails everything and then I just blame myself for how stupid and useless I am because I couldn't do something. Then I would get even more disappointed with myself because I learned these skills to fight off these thoughts and they are not working. And then more blaming because I must not have put enough effort into learning these skills since I'm clearly still stuck in this negative mindset... and what's the point, nothing will ever go right and why am I even trying. It's a vicious cycle that I'm trying so hard to get out of yet for some reason I just can't (or maybe I'm just too afraid to and I perpetuate this cycle, which then I also get mad at).

I think I'm just so incredibly sick of myself. I'm sick of dealing with myself and the BS excuses that I always make.