It Never Goes Away...

[SasTana]

I know the memories will never go away... but it gets so tiring sometimes. :/
I try try try to stay busy! I try to do things that are good for me even if I'm afraid. For example in March I spent two weekends hiking... one 6 mile hike and one 13 mile hike. I also drove out of town to visit friends and connected with some cousins along the way. I was afraid- but I did it! Yay me!
I did two more hikes in April... another 6 mile and another 13 mile - plus I ran in a 5K. I was so nervous to be running in a group with locals - mostly strangers... that I puked beforehand... but I felt great afterwards- yay endorphins!
Last weekend two neighbors were celebrating their 6th birthdays- I looked at them and was overcome with sadness that my innocence was robbed... how can anyone do that to a child!?! And even worse, last night I learned there's a local 5 year old that has been being abused... this morning I sat and cried in the shower for her- and for my five year old self. Today my husbands touch triggered me, as soon as I felt my chest fill with panic I did a damn good job calming myself down- then only suffered with nausea for a while longer. Yay me!
But tonight... I want to die. I'm not making plans to die- I just want to die because I'm so f*cking tired of it all. It never goes away! Even if the mental memories aren't there, there's the body memories and the emotional memories--- and I want to be done with ALL the bad memories. I know that's not possible so I want to die... it seems like the only relief. But I will ride the f*cking storm out - grrr! And tomorrow start to plan my next run and my next hike... must keep going...

 

[Health heal explore]

I don't know if this will be helpful or not but I feel like I can, kind of, relate. I only have my experience, no expertise, so if you can relate, great, take on board, if you can't please forget I even wrote anything.

I used to do things to avoid my mind. Worked 70 hour weeks, go on 10km daily runs. Travel, hike, drink, drugs, smoke pot( still do that a lot), excessive exercise. But I was never truly experiencing any of it or doing it for the betterment of myself. It was just all a way to avoid. Subconsciously, at the time, because I had no memories of what had happened.
Eventually, I crashed. Both in body and mind. The stress of the avoidance, the energy it took my brain to keep all the stuff from me had been poisoning me. I had been poisoning myself, completely neglecting my mental health. I thought I cared, I would try and be healthy, cut out gluten, alcohol, cows milk. But I'd still binge eat, potato crisps and goats cheese at every opportunity.
Then, when my memories first started coming up, they did put me into the dark. I wanted to hide myself and my life from everyone. It was a time of self discovery. A reason for all my ill health. Something to blame for my problems, I'm this way because of all that!! The memories are so dark. So lonely and so cold but they have changed so now I see them as a key to helping me let go.
I used to hate my body and my brain for all the pain and anguish they've caused me. But now I see them both as incredible protectors, almost guardians, of me. They took the brunt of what my consciousness could not at the time. They knew how to care for me, when I didn't have the capacity to and now I feel like I have the ability to take charge and be the responsible one. I love my mind and my body now, or I'm starting to at least. Starting to listen to my body, it tells me what it needs. With their guidance and some outsiders help, I think I will be able to heal myself. Now the memories come up in a more gentle way, when I need to work through them. It's like the 3 of us; mind/body/me are finally working together congruently.
Im new to this I have only been experiencing flashback and resurfaced memories for the last 12 or so months so I don't know what it's like further down the track.
But maybe because, as you say, they are never going to stop, trying to see them from a different perspective might help?

 

[Fayne Jane]

I understand the feeling of "wanting out" are you in therapy? I have PTSD and am therapy with EMDR and it is hard but helping so much. But I have days after therapy where I just want to end it all. I don't know how anyone can deal with PTSD without being in some kind of therapy

 

[SasTana]

It's like the 3 of us; mind/body/me are finally working together congruently.

This absolutely does help! This is a good goal! Something for me to work to figure out. Currently I get up at 4:30 AM to exercise and then I usually exercise again after work. When I ran the 5K, it wasn't long enough and I wanted to run it again... I am not a strong fast runner- hills kill me- but exercise is the only thing that keeps me basically sane and from drinking, from ruining my life. The only time I feel alive and hopeful is after a good workout... if the workout didn't push me enough then I'm frustrated- looking for more... and if I can't fit another run or hike in then everything feels hopeless. It's my drug.

I understand the feeling of "wanting out" are you in therapy? I have PTSD and am therapy with EMDR...

Yes, I am in therapy once a week, thank you. Exercise is also how I handle a rough session - I really really like the warmer weather... but in the winter I could get out in my snowshoes and get away from others and be all alone... me and my dog in the foothills... no one else is crazy enough to do that when it's 20 below. I know it's also risk taking but when you don't care... you don't care.