It Wasn't A Good Time To Be Dating But I Am Now Off Meds And Have Closure

[lil_fighter]

I met this guy online and the first time we spoke was on Skype. We spoke for 7 hours through the night to the early morning and had so much to talk about. At the time he was studying up in Scotland but was orginally from just outside of London. We got to know each other gradually and spoke on the phone every day. He was training to be a teacher and I offered to help him to find a job as he was due to graduate. He was really pleased and I helped to complete an application form for him. He was saying no one has ever done something like that for him before. I was also thinking, 'I have never done something like that for someone I hardly know' but I really liked him and was happy to do it. He got an interview for the job and came down to London. When he was here we met up and the date was lovely. He didn't get the job but he carried on applying for jobs. We were both keen to have a long term relationship - eventually marriage as we come from the same culture. He was going to move back to London and it was really hopeful. Around this time, I came face to face with the man who tried to rape me 5 years ago. I was at work on an outing with the young people I support and we went to the theatre he works at and saw him. It was awful but at the same time gave me closure. It also prompted me to come off my meds. I didn't tell the guy I was seeing anything about this at all.

The guy I was seeing had his own issues around trust as he had been hurt by girls before and had some unpleasant experiences to do with being taken advantage of. Unfortunately, he spoke about this a lot and seemed consumed by it to the point where we would argue. I reacted to his insecurity with anger and I mean, rage. Really anger, I would just fly off the handle and shout at him. Probably because I was going through something I felt I couldn't talk about. My reaction when I can't deal with something is to run away. So I blocked the guy I was seeing and ended the relationship. He was upset and angry, he didn't want to end it at all.

6 months later, after dating other guys and also having time out to myself I have realised that the time that I was seeing that guy was not a good time for me to even be considering a relationship. Now I am totally off the Citalopram and I feel normal again. I wonder if, because I realise that he knew nothing of what I was going through at the time, maybe I should get in touch with him? He is back on the dating site we met on, so I am assuming still single. I don't know if anyone else has had experiences of not being themselves due to medication or the trauma and trying to date but it not going well at the time? I really liked this guy and although he has issues he needs to deal with, I feel that maybe I would have dealt with everything so much differently if I had not been coming off the meds and unexpectedly seen the guy from my past at the same time.
Any opinions or advice would be so very appreciated :)

 

[Gadgie]

Why not get back in touch and him outright, I mean what can happen, the answer is either, yes or no. What harm can it do?
After all, you don't want to go through the rest of your life asking yourself, "what if"

Just do it, and put your mind to rest, after all, he could be thinking the exact same thing, there is only answer really ............................Ask Him,.....good luck!

 

[EveHarrington]

Would you now be ok with his bitter attitude toward women now that you're not on medication? (If so I think you should go back on meds as it will keep away misogynistic men!)

This is my take on it all.

Guys who dog their exes have no class. It is a true window into their character.

Do you honestly think he hasn't been trashing you to whomever will listen?

I'm sure he has.

I guess I don't understand why you'd want to date a guy who is so nasty toward women. Even if the women did him wrong, do you really think he was 100% innocent in every case? (They never are.)

I say move on and find a real man, one who doesn't trash talk other women.

IMHO this guy is immature and has no class.

 

[lil_fighter]

EveHarrington, you were right. I got in touch and told him about the PTSD and the meds and he belittled it saying "Have you ever asked yourself why you got yourself into this position in the first place?" He was referring to the trauma as if there was something wrong with me and I deserved it. He laughed and said "Do you think you're the only one who has had bad experiences? Girls are horrible to me all the time!" He then demanded that I give him proof that I was ever on anti depressants because he said I could be lying. He was angry on the phone and asked if I want to try again. I explained that the reason why I got in touch was to apologise (for blocking him for 6 months). He told me I was just like all the other women who "disappear and block" him. He then wanted to talk on Skype after our conversation (this was one of his obsessions I remember from last time). He asked if I would visit him at the weekend and told me it was one of his "conditions". He also said he was "taking a risk" by talking to me after me blocking him. He asked to see my body on the cam but I said no. Later that night he asked for pics and I said no. I stupidly met him at the weekend. I remembered how last time he paid for the cinema for me and then had a go at me saying I had "exploited him" and he was so annoyed that he had paid for me. So this time I went all out. He told me he only had £5 in his wallet and when I asked if it was better that we meet on another day he said no because he really wanted to see me. I went to his area (2 hours from my home) and he was all smiles and was saying how good it was to see me. He suggested that we buy some food and go back to his to watch a movie. I bought the food in the supermarket. Clearly he wanted to fill his fridge and cupboards. We went to his place and as usual he commented on my large breasts which was embarrassing and I felt disrespectful. Went to his place and filled his fridge. We watched a movie and he made digs about not seeing me for 6 months then he acts nice, starts kissing me and leads me to his room (a mattress on the floor) he tries to get me to give him oral and keeps touching my breasts. I give in because, I don't want a situation like what I had in the past. I feel degraded and we don't go the full way because he says he is a Muslim and that doing that would be wrong. Basically he gets satisfied, it was all for him. Then we continue watching the movie and I'm sitting there feeling like dirt.

He asks for a back massage because he says he gets back pains. I use massage oil and massage his back, then he asks for me to massage his arms, legs, feet and hands. I do it all, I feel like I'm slipping away and I'm back in that submissive position. He asks for oral again, I give it. He showers and I sit there feeling stupid and dirty. Totally my own fault and I know it.

We go out, only because my instinct is telling me not to be alone with him any longer. He is all nice and jolly, cracking jokes on the bus. We get to the town centre and he suggests a place to eat but first asks me if he can buy a towel for himself because he only owns one. It was cheap so I bought it. Then he asks for a takeaway kebab for his dinner later at home, I give him the money. He puts it in his bag with his new towel. He keeps saying he'll pay me back and next time we'll go for a nice meal but I say no, it's fine. We go to eat at a restaurant and while sitting there he tells me for a fifth time how I have put on weight and how I could be a plus size model. (I'm genuinely not fat and I know it is just a tactic to put me down).

We go to the cinema I pay for it and for snacks. Afterwards he asks me to stay at his place (on the mattress on the floor) I say no that I need to get home as it's a long journey and he says that exactly, that's why I should stay. I am firm and say no. I get the train home but before that he says to me "well if I don't hear from you again, at least I got sucked!" He bursts out laughing and then seeing how serious I am, says he was only joking. He said next weekend he might come to my student accommodation to see me (luckily he doesn't know exactly where I study) but I remained serious and didn't agree, I just said nothing. I know he won't be visiting me for a cuddle or to talk.

I went home feeling stupid, moronic, low and confused. I didn't tell my mum what happened but she knew I paid for the meal etc. I told her he asked for a kebab and towel but seeing how shocked she was, I lied and said that I didn't buy them for him.

I was praying that he would not get in touch. Luckily there is nothing from him 4 days later and I am so relieved. I know I have serious issues around relationships, what is normal and what isn't and boundaries and sex in particular.

The thing that may shock you is that this was the second time I have ever met him. The first time was just before I blocked him. I don't know what is wrong with me but I am trying to see the positives here :(

 

[Nessa7]

One positive of this whole thing is that it gives you more perspective that might have been lost over the six months since you cut off contact with him. You were struggling with increased PTSD symptoms, but you were also dating a piece of shit. I think that you shouldn't be so hard on yourself about how you reacted to him in the past. Feeling like you don't have control of your anger is frightening and has consequences, but anger can also be telling you something.

 

[lil_fighter]

One positive of this whole thing is that it gives you more perspective that might have been lost over the six months since you cut off contact with him. You were struggling with increased PTSD symptoms, but you were also dating a piece of shit. I think that you shouldn't be so hard on yourself about how you reacted to him in the past. Feeling like you don't have control of your anger is frightening and has consequences, but anger can also be telling you something.

This is so true, my anger the first time around was telling me something. I guess I feel low about how I allowed him to treat me bad a second time but I have definitely learnt a valuable lesson and maybe somehow I felt that I had to revisit the situation. It has taught me to trust my instincts more though.