It's Impossible, For Me, To Undertake To Do Anything

[Dot Warner]

When I was I child I understood that to be free and to escape from that hell that my family was, the only hope for me was to build my future, because people who knew about the violences my parents used to practice didn't care and other people didn't know, because my parents used to have a mask for the society.

So I chose what I wanted to be and I have been working for that goal since when I was 6.

They didn't allow me to have a social life, or to have fun, or to make all those thypical experiences you make when you are a child or a teenager. Actually, I have never thought like a kid or a teenager.

I had to impose myself a lot of discipline, because my instinct was to kill my family. The rage was enourmos and it was very effortly to control it. I also had to control the instincts of that age: I would have liked to stay with friends, have fun, have a boyfriend, make experiences, express myself, tell someone what I really felt..what I really thought...etc.. And I was able to have always very good notes at school and at the first year in the University, I have never teken a drug, I have never smoked, I have always behaved good with everybody. Even if my parents used to talk badly about me to everybody and to tell invented stories to make them think I was fragile or crazy or I really hated people and I wasn't a good friend, etc.. and I always had to act like I didn't know anything about that.

There is a science that analyzes living systems using the point of view of physics: a living system has an energy of his own that he uses to afford situation that are not good for him, but when the adversities are too many or persist for too much time (or the both things) that system can't develope good and sometimes can't survive.

That's why at 20 I had a crash down.

From there on I haven't been able to undertake to do anything. I told you I used to force myself in everyday life, because if I didn't do that I could have killed my parents, or taken drugs, or hurt someone else.. I used to plan everything and I had to think before doing everythink, I could relax never. In the sanse that I had to plan the moments of relaxation in space and time and the most of times they were interrupted. It was very difficoult. I had to control even the simplest actions, like to eat and to clean up (they used to crash the door of the bathroom if I closed it when I went to the toilet or to have a shower, for example..).

Now I am 35. In the past 15 years my life has been a real mess and I haven't been able to build anything, because to build a future you have to resist to take on a projec for a certain time and to work on it.

I also forgot all that I learned in the fist 20 years of my life and that was a lot of stuff, because I was doing everything for my future, for my life, I wanted to be prepared. In another thread I also told you that I lost my memory and I have had problems of memory during these years. It' better now. But I still go in anguish and in deep anxiety every time I began to undertake to do anything. And my brain closes, swith off.

Any suggestion?

 

[Dot Warner]

Maybe I have not been clear on the fact that they used to beat me and touch me and scream to me and trying to wash my brain every day.

I have remembered who I am but I still don't feel the force to make efforts. I don't know if I explained well...

I would like to be able again to build something in my life (:o)

 

[Nishkaa]

Dot,

Your post brings tears to my eyes. :( That's quite an incredible amount of discipline and a lot of energy to deny yourself and instinct, e.g. to not kill your parents (which I gather they were very violent); to not have friends; to try to keep it together for school-- I feel very sad because it must have been a very lonely time. :(

I also get what abusers do, they hold onto that "socially acceptable mask", while they are monsters behind closed doors. And it's rotten, they even manage to convince outsiders that the problem is with the child-- as cover-up for their own horrible abuse. That makes me feel angry and I identify with the pattern of behaviours. My younger brother stayed home, hid in basement to focus hard on school (and try to stay out of the "war path" of an out-of-control, controlling mom)-- his pattern I think is similar to some of your coping (he cut off from friends, needing more energy to try to focus on school, and it was hard to do). I had to run-- I associated with druggies, because their parents were more tolerant for having other kids over there lots, and they were too stoned to notice my problems, so I found a fit that worked for me at that time. I could outrun my mom, and my dad who was stronger, passed away, so I was lucky in that way.

There you are, you tried to do everything the right way, but it was a difficult battle and what happened to you was so, so wrong. Set up to not win, but you did amazing-- you are a strong person for all you handled, for not even snapping, and you survived.

I relate to difficulty re: getting projects started. I was used to not being able to do things without interruption of crazy psycho-parental disruptions, so I know it's hard for me to follow through on projects. Then as an adult with PTSD, without the parents actually here, my PTSD constantly interrupts my efforts and that's frustrating too, but hopefully now that I have some help, I'll get better at managing PTSD interruption.

Another thing I do, is I try to take on big complicated tasks, because I have these high expectations of my self, a high sense of perfectionism too, which also makes it difficult to complete projects.

A few things that can help:
1) Patience with your self. Try to resist "introjects" of the abusers, resist shame, resist berating yourself.

2) Start with really small, simpler goals, even if that is just to get a load of laundry going-- it's something.

3) Write your goals out and look at them every day. I may not get to accomplish all the things I would like to do, and sometimes I take a goal I have for the next day to avoid doing the goal I had planned for the day-- but it helps me to get one thing done. . . sometimes ;-)

4) Give yourself positive feedback-- even just being able to get out of bed, is an accomplishment! (I know there are days when this is really hard for me)

5) Don't beat yourself up for not accomplishing a given goal in a day, you can always try again, when you are more up for it.

I rarely follow my daily plans, but at least they are there. I'll try, maybe get one goal done. I'll try again the next day. Somedays, somethings are just too overwhelming to do, even the simpler goals.

There might be some stuff on the internet that can help, google subjects like "Life coaching"; "overcoming procrastination"; "goal setting; goal planning".

Some goals are important to master first: like trying to eat three healthy meals a day-- sounds simple enough, but when we're dealing with depression it can be a real struggle. Getting out the door once a day. Taking care of the basics, hygiene, getting dressed even everday (when it's easy when feeling depressed to stay in the pyjamas-- I do this). For these sorts of taking care of the basics goals, there's a website called Flylady-- that can be helpful, and you can sign up and work the program, one day at a time.

I found it hard too because I broke down in school as well. I'm split up between an adult-striving life, and taking care of the basics, when I didn't have stability in childhood to do this without anxiety, and a lot of fight. To have my own place to live, with all these new choices-- I can hang a picture up that I like and it's not going to be ripped off the wall. Sometimes it's overwhelming to have so many choices. That's when it becomes helpful to prioritize and break larger goals down into smaller tasks.

For me, I have to use a "daily planner", "a weekly planner", "a monthly planner" and write in the times of day, and which days I plan on doing laundry; grocery shopping; housecleaning tasks. . . I can even break down meal planning for the week and jot down in my weekly planner.

An example of breaking down a larger goal into smaller tasks: The Laundry

1) Collecting the clothes, sorting the whites and darks;
2) Put the clothes into the washer with the appropriate laundry detergent;
3) Set my egg-timer for 35 minutes, to remind me when my wash is done (egg-timers are also handly especially when we're prone to dissociation, and losing time which might be another thing that interrupts getting tasks done) ;
4) Put the clothes into the dryer, set egg timer for 50 minutes;
5) Retrieve laundry and fold and put away clothes into the right drawers, closet, etc. 30 minutes.

I can then also multi-task, e.g. while the laundry is in the washer, I can make and eat a nutritious breakfast; while the clothes are in the dryer, I can shower and get dressed. Or I can do some journalling, or read a book.

The Flylady website is helpful on the basics, once these are mastered and you have new routines, then can fill in with other new goals, and just remember to break bigger goals down into smaller tasks.

I've spent so much time up in my head, that it takes a big push and regular attempts to push, to start to take action to get things done. It was challenging, e.g university since so much of that was mentalizing, intellectualizing-- there's a reason, students like to order pizza, go for fast food or junk food, because the intellectual/academic work can get intense, and the basics of living can be put aside even (the other reason for pizza of course, being the kids who like to party).

So the best thing is to start off small with baby steps, start off slowly with smaller goals, don't overload yourself with too many goals all at once. Keep it simple. E.g. start off with one new goal or new habit each week, master it add another. It's like juggling, start with one ball, to then being able to juggle two balls, to then three balls.

Oh, also give yourself a reward for completing a task. E.g. a cup of tea, or something. Using a day-planner makes it easier, you take your time deciding on what you would like to do, write it down, so then the next day if not sure what you're suppose to be doing, you just check the day-planner.

I used to be able to "fly by the seat of my pants", be super busy, get lots done, not even needing a day-planner, but I know I need one now!!! :)

It's not unusual at all for PTSD, anxiety and dissociation, making things difficult; presenting some cognitive challenges you might not have experienced before. It's fairly normal that this happens with living with trauma disorders.

 

[Dot Warner]

Thank you Nishkaa, you are precious :)

I read this yesterday and this morning I woke up positive and with mental energy thinking of you :)

I think that what I really needed was real support and someone to share my problems with.

You are really right when you say that I don't have to beat myself and I have to reward myself when I complete something, I never do that because it is never enought for me. I am really extremely severe with myself. I had to be so. But not now, now I can relax, can't I? ;)

And I always feel overwhelmed too, even if I only have simple tasks of every day life.

It is possible that I have something in common with your brother, I am sorry that you two had to live that situation...

So, I hope I will communicate soon some good notice! :)

Have good day!!!

 

[Nishkaa]

Thank you Nishkaa, you are precious :)

I read this yesterday and this morning I woke up positive and with mental energy thinking of you :)

I think that what I really needed was real support and someone to share my problems with.

Thank you Dot :smile:

There is Hope and that's what I wanted to remind you about. And as I'm saying it to you, I'm also saying it to myself, because I find the simpler tasks to be really difficult for me as well, and it's a daily challenge for me.

What's good about this forum, is that it's a collective through which we can share on similar struggles. I don't have access to some types of trauma recovery help, but one thing that was good about the local hospital I had been admitted to, is that there were some good pieces of help re: goal-setting, through a 3 week hospital outpatient program.

Have I mastered that even? No ;-) -- I think it's like they say in addiction recovery, the pace is often "two steps forward, one step back", some times a few steps back, but making one step forward. I think that's a realistic view of recovery.

We're working on a similar challenge re: the challenge to get things done--it's hard, it's challenging, but there is lots of hope. The "Flylady website" I was talking about, it was designed by another survivor of depression, mental illness and so it's an acknowledgement of how challenging it is for us, to work on basic routines-- and it's been something that's often been neglected in mental health care, but for which is important in recovery as well.

What I find challenging is how to live without constant crisis, where it was constant reacting, and having to try to make decisions and get things done while living in constant external chaos (like home in childhood). When I broke down (over 10 years ago), I lost everything of normal living, my routines-- I too was trying to focus on school, and it was taking more mental energy to do that, so I abandoned my friends, my social life, my healthy routines-- everything went, because I was trying so desperately to complete my course work. And that struggle was a few years and hard to climb back out of. So, I've been about 10 years of complete routines erosion, because I didn't know how to cope with my symptoms, how to be present, I was then in lots of internal turmoil and crisis, daily, nightly-- for years.

Routines re-building can be positive for helping us to be more present in our lives, it's also a way to monitor symptoms that derail us, including the things like the challenges of dissociation and losing lots of chunks of time (which happened to me a lot-- post flashbacks, I'd be dissociated for a good week, 'lost in space').

We can help each other out here. I'm really glad you brought it up, because I know I was falling away from focus on my routines-- so you bringing it up, is helping me as well, and important reminder for myself on what I need to try to re-focus on.

When I first arrived here, I had been going through a crisis, that had built up, and I was losing my routines, in fact I lost them again. I was in a heavy withdrawal mode, and overcome by hyperarousal/hypervigilance that had been persisting for a few months and built up to a crisis point-- where I knew I had to reach out for help and re-focus not on stressors outside of me (that I can choose not to be involved with), but to re-focus on taking better care of my self and my basics. I think this could be considered a PTSD-relapse.

Dot wrote: "You are really right when you say that I don't have to beat myself and I have to reward myself when I complete something, I never do that because it is never enought for me. I am really extremely severe with myself. I had to be so. But not now, now I can relax, can't I? ;)"

Yep, and that's an interesting challenge as well, because we are used to being really hard on ourselves, that's how we used to be able to get things done even, but post-breakdown, this isn't working anymore, a gentler approach is necessary and it's learning new skills and ways of getting things done. Giving ourselves rewards-- this was also a very foreign concept for me and hard to start--I've had to read books on women's self care, learn from others what they do to reward themselves, pamper themselves, etc. It was completely weird for me and I'm still learning ;-)

So, how do we re-build?

I have made separate forms for myself.

One is for my weekly goal: It can be something like: "catching up on my laundry!" ;-)

How am I going to achieve this?

• I will sort my whites and darks the night before and when I wake up, I will start a load of laundry (and now I have my "laundry method done, as in previous post)
• I will do this every morning until my laundry is caught up

How will I maintain keeping my laundry up to date? How will I maintain this new habit?

• I will set aside Tuesday mornings and Thursday mornings every week to do my laundry. Tuesdays for my clothes, Thursdays for my bed linens and towels

I then pencil this in on my "daily planner".

It's even a trick to get oneself into the habit of looking at a daily planner-- that in itself is a new goal and a good to start with:

Goal this week: is to look at my daily planner once in the evening and once in the morning

How am I going to achieve that?

• I'm going to purchase a daily planner or make one for myself (e.g. a binder).
• I'm going to keep this planner in a location where I know I'll see it every day. E.g. on my computer desk, or the kitchen table-- choose one location. (even making these decisions can be challenging-- I decide on one and see if that works best-- I can always change my mind the next week, if the computer desk is a better place-- then I'll re-do my goal for the next week)
• I will stick a "sticky note" on my computer screen, reminding me to look at my daily planner, and to do this once in the morning, once in the evening. I'll even use coloured markers, or pencil crayons so that it does stand out and I don't ignore it

How will I maintain this new habit?

• I will maintain this new habit by practicing this daily.
• If I get too de-sensitized to the sticky note, I'll make a new one with new colours, I'll do that weekly to keep myself reminded
• I will keep my daily planner in the same place, so it's easy to find
• I can decorate my daily planner with pleasant comforting pictures which remind me that I'm doing this for my own self care. (Teddy bear pictures, pictures of trees and/or butterflies, or Sunflowers! :wink:

*Other people have those handy "blackberry devices", or use the planner program on their computer. What helps is to decide on one method and to stick with it.

*The good news about making new habits is that once that habit is practiced daily for 21 days consequeatively, it becomes a habit, so there is much less anxiety or confusion or ambivalence or resistance-- it becomes much easier to do. It also feels good to "check off" from the goal sheet each accomplishment.

So,
1) having a daily planner and
2) having a template for "goal sheets", that are printed out weekly (or in advance)-- and keep them both together-- is a good start.

Change is not easy, it is a challenge. I know with my self I've got all sorts of "inner sabateurs", or distractions that make it difficult for me to keep focussed. But it's in trying that we learn more about these things and if we can look at it honestly and fearlessly and get support, we can overcome. It's a matter of the patience, and the new practice of learning how not to keep beating ourselves up. It should be positive-focusssed, but that negative stuff is there, we've lived with that, but it can be overcome through practice, determination, patience, and kindness for ourselves.

In having the courage to try new things, we can also learn a lot from the process as in what's working, what's not working- and to feel okay about that (that's a big challenge too, because the challenge also includes overcoming our perfectionism, our self-berating habits and know it's all going to be okay. Perfectionism is also very normal for PTSD survivors, because it also tends to trauma-related and/or relating to our previous coping, that's not working for us anymore). Everyone ticks differently, one method might work good for another, while it doesn't work best for another. It's a discovery process as well.

***

I have a great love and respect for my brother-- I've listened closely to understanding what was going on for him, how he was trying to cope with the home-craziness, the loneliness and isolation he experienced (my mom targetting me with most of the violence, I had no choice I had to run, to also keep things safe for my brother-- but we reconnected to talk and debrief about the days-- when he was younger though, he was unreachable a bit, because the dissociation was so severe). I have the deepest empathy and respect for him. He was younger when things started getting much worse at home, it's why his dissociation was that much more significant than mine (mine's bad enough, I'm partially split parts, etc. definite fragmentation, but his was more severe dissociation, really locked up and contained).

I do truly appreciate the creativeness of his survival, the brilliance of it. He had a fairly sophisticated inner world to help him cope with and to contain the chaos he faced, as also being 2 years younger than me. I am very very proud of him and have a deep appreciation of how he experienced things. I am totally lucky, my brother and I survived and we're one another's biggest allies. In his "inner world" he also had a "part" that was a "constellation" of my personality-- and it was the one that stood up for what's fair and right and just-- which really is an honour! :)

He's also done amazingly well. We deconstructed some of the walls he created earlier on in childhood-- he had this "war" thing and "court" thing going on, an intense inner construct. We noticed that those pieces, the elements matched the external world we grew up in, so he had parts which represented, mom, dad, older brother, me and himself-- I think it was a Dissociative Identity Disorder, a few other parts as well. He now has learnt a lot about how to work with it. He had about 14 or so "parts".

Used art therapy to help externalize it. Had little choice, because help here is hard to get. But we both had creative brains, and the instincts of love and respect and a care for one another's safety and rights to exist!. I compensated for the lack of parental love and safety, a mini-mom, but then he's also been able to be a mini-dad, almost-- it's just how the energies re-adjusted in lack of parental stability. We've both mutually benefited from one another's perspectives and adaptations, of which had been sort of polar, but the difference helped. He was in the "hole" with me for that 10 years of chaos, with breakdown and very little outside support. I am proud we survived, and my brother is excelling in thriving too. I thrive in other ways, but haven't gotten myself up to an employability level yet, but I'm working on it. :)

What I do have is an optimism and a sense of hope. Recovery is do-able. It's something that's just chipped away at slowly, one day at a time. I have total faith in both you and I and others here: recovery is do-able.

A challenging struggle with both pitfalls, and accomplishments. Staying alive is truly one of those main accomplishments-- there's nothing small about that. We survived some crazy, whacked out parents, who were really sick, at some points our lives hung by a very thin thread, the balance could have been tipped either way-- I think it's the creative ways we learnt to survive that saved us. Your abuse was by far more sadistic that what I went through-- there was slight sadism, but the physical abuse could be contained-- they didn't keep beating me, they usually stopped after they lost it, and I ran, or out-ran them-- I credit the violent Buggs Bunny cartoon for teaching me some good running skills, duck and run, don't let them catch me. Craziness.

Still the constant intensity and there was constant danger because of my dad's drinking and his guns. . . yuck. It could have flipped either way, so it's damn lucky we survived. We all had some survival adaptations which worked for the time living amidst the violence-- even freeze response-- animals do that also out in the wild to survive, when they can't outrun a predator, they "play dead", children have this dissociation ability, which has helped protect themselves from totally inner explosion and total madeness at the time.

I've also repressed my "fight response" (to avoid killing anyone) and it worked at the time--if I fought back, things could have become even more severe, re: beatings, etc. There are other traumas where dissociation was necessary because I was caught and couldn't get away. So I also relate to that. :(

***

Anyway, way off topic, but if you'd like to work on setting goals together, I'd be happy to support you, and support you through the challenges that occur.

You bring up amazing topics-- I can see that you are very engaged in your healing. I see a lot of strengths, lots of insight and a lot courage. It's not hard at all for me to extend to you the deep respect that I also feel for my brother. Somehow in my inner system, some "optimism" was preserved, that didn't come from nothing either, my dad had a kind side, and so there's a split in me who also remembers that, and has remained protected, I used a lot of my will to hang on to that (but I also under-protected myself in some situations, that resulted in further traumatization, further "PTSD-events"). My brother who was mostly alone and isolated, needed my optimism (and my fight-- I protected him a bit, school age stuff), while I needed to learn more from his art of self-discipline (he also needed to learn to be more gentle with himself, in order to move forward). It's kind of cool how we in our own uniqueness can present gifts for one another.

I think this is all a very sacred journey and I am completely inspired by you and others here. There's a great healing happening here, with all of us, through the ups and downs, challenges and those precious moments of overcoming barriers, there are no "small accomplishments" not with what we've had to face-- each one, is significant.

I'm glad you woke up feeling optimistic-- that's awesome!:smile: See we're able to lend one another different energies. You helped me in an important way by creating this thread, reminding me also of something important I need to re-focus on. How positive is that-- it's great-- everyone benefits!:smile:

All the Best,
~Nishkaa

 

[Dot Warner]

This is to my friend Nishkaa, to the crew and to everybody here.
Enjoy :) :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EyOhUXsGqak

 

[Nishkaa]

Hi Dot,
I wasn't able to access that link, but thank you :)

I wrote an aweful lot and I apologize for that. You can skip over the parts about my brother, I just wanted to let you know that you are worthy of respect and care and I really mean that. Writing the stuff out about goal-setting, was a good exercise for me. It's easier still to put more effort to help others out, while I tend to get lazy about myself. This way, having it written here, on record, easy to find, it also helps me.

These were sticky for me, it's not only that I've had trouble "getting things done" but even in making decisions. I had a chance to practice writing some things that I learnt from a hospital program on goal setting, using a daily/weekly planner-- it's very much a part of my own "learning process" to write it out. For example, I wrote out how to keep track of my daily planner, which often goes missing and I can't find it ;-), so I had a chance to work through that and figure a solution to try.

I'm glad you feel supported here Dot, I feel the same way, this has been very helpful.

I wish you the very best, have a good day/good night.

~Nishkaa

 

[Dot Warner]

Yey Nashikaa!

I read every word you write with extreme attention and I copy many things you do ;) I am only quite lazy in these days.. ;-P Also, it's really a good thing to find another person who is living the same strange situation I am living: you are much more concerned than me and that is helping me a lot!!!

The song was "I gotta find peace of mind" by Lauryn Hill, unplugged. Do you know her?

Have a good day you too!!
(here it's 3.27 a.m. now..)

 

[Nishkaa]

Hey Dot-- I'll check out that song-- I really like the title! :)

Yes-- Isn't it a relief-- We're not alone-- and you had the courage to bring things up and it's helping me too.

A win-win situation is the best situation. :) :occasion:

You also have great attention skills to have been able to sort through my long posts! :)

Talk to You Soon,
Cheers,
~Nishkaa
(woops, 2:30 in the morning-- I think I had too much caffiene for before bed-- woops, well "live and learn" ;-) )

 

[Nishkaa]

OMG Dot,

Wow, what a lovely lovely song! I checked out the MTV unplugged version-- absolutely moving and very beautiful-- what a song pick! Wow! And does she ever say what it's all about-- what an amazingly appropriate song-- like it was written for all of us. We are so interconnected, there's a Higher Healing going on and all of us our invited :)

How Beautiful. And thank you, because this is an amazing artist that I have missed and what a joy to discover her-- thanks to you-- thank you. Beautiful. It totally pulled through my heart, amazing energy. And I cried with her too. Beautiful Woman.

Wow, I'm totally blown away. And man, you are so with it, you are smart, so intuned in so many very important ways. We'll get through it all too.

Bless You, and Thank You Very Much,
All the Very Best,
~Nishkaa

 

[Dot Warner]

Oh thank to you Nishkaa, you're so kind. I have done nothing! :)

I tell you a new: I am trying to undertake to do a thing, I won't tell you now what it is.. jeje... if I will succeed I will tell ;)

See you soon!!!

 

[Dot Warner]

That's what we need:

Inspiration http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/inspiration/