It's over...

[PreciousChild]

@blackemerald1 I don't know how far apart we are because you're saying that it's important to know what the guy's shabby behavior is and to call a spade a spade. My ex bf who had ptsd left me feeling like I was doing terrible things because he was untreated and was constantly triggered and blamed me for his triggered feelings. It left me feeling like I was still dysfunctional and had a lot to fix. Yet, my current bf's reactions make me feel like I'm doing so many things right. I'm not perfect, but feeling accepted and loved helps me to progress and heal. I think that what the other brings to the table really matters. My ex confirmed my worst suspicions about myself - he reaffirmed the treatment I got as a child, leaving me to feel that I am unloveable just as my parents thought. My current bf takes responsibility for his own stuff and makes sure to treat me with care and respect. I feel so embraced and safe in the world. I cannot control the other. I can only control my own thoughts and actions. I think that is why it is crucial that we choose the right person, so that when we inevitably have to lean into them once in a while, we know that they won't let us fall. That doesn't mean we stop looking at our own patterns and distortions. But I think it's equally important not to take the blame for someone else's dysfunctions.

 

[blackemerald1]

you're saying that it's important to know what the guy's shabby behavior is and to call a spade a spade.

^Of course it's important to know what behaviour is objectionable. But much less so, in this circumstance to know why the behaviour is thus. The OP was only at the beginning of this relationship & it has been ended by him whilst having a tantrum & now the OP herself, refusing to be sucked into a toxic pattern of pretending that a tantrum, directed at her, did not happen.

We don't need to know why tantrum's are used as a method of control by him to assess that as inappropriate. That's his stuff...let him sort it out and we don't need to know or understand it either.

So the OP identified the inappropriate behaviour and is resisting the temptation to do exactly as he wants, that is to ignore his tantrum & recommence the pattern.

So I was suggesting that mind reading relating to why he was conducting himself that way isn't necessary.

Note:- this is entirely different from a situation relating to a long term relationship that has either gradually or suddenly taken a nose dive by one of the partners behaving badly. Well, I mean there are degrees... violence, threatening violence etc to me? Doesn't matter why they're doing it, it's not necessary to understand because nothing justifies that.

My ex bf who had ptsd left me feeling like I was doing terrible things because he was untreated and was constantly triggered and blamed me for his triggered feelings. It left me feeling like I was still dysfunctional and had a lot to fix. Yet, my current bf's reactions make me feel like I'm doing so many things right. I'm not perfect, but feeling accepted and loved helps me to progress and heal. I think that what the other brings to the table really matters. My ex confirmed my worst suspicions about myself - he reaffirmed the treatment I got as a child, leaving me to feel that I am unloveable just as my parents thought. My current bf takes responsibility for his own stuff and makes sure to treat me with care and respect. I feel so embraced and safe in the world.

^I'm glad you got out of the previous relationship. You've explained your feelings as a result of his behaviour but really? In the end, does it matter what motivated him to do what he did? What his inner conflict was all about? Because the end result is his tantrums against you and that the behaviour was not welcome, deserved or ever would be.

For instance lets say your former partner had a closet drinking problem and whenever he got frustrated he secretly drank and resulting from that he behaved inappropriately in the way you've described. Does it matter that he had an ongoing addiction problem and does it help you in the long term?

I cannot control the other. I can only control my own thoughts and actions.

^Yes! We agree. :)

I think that is why it is crucial that we choose the right person, so that when we inevitably have to lean into them once in a while, we know that they won't let us fall.

^Of course it's crucial we find the 'right person' if we want to have a relationship of that type because choosing, accepting the wrong type of person is devastating. But really this isn't what the thread is about. I'm not so sure I understand the 'lean into' part. :confused: but anyway... a person that behaves badly isn't safe to lean into emotionally for sure.

That doesn't mean we stop looking at our own patterns and distortions.

No I've suggested that imo that's all the OP should spend her money and time on.

Wasting time, energy & emotion on speculating why he's doing this isn't going to help her move forward because mind reading isn't helpful and is mostly inaccurate.

But I think it's equally important not to take the blame for someone else's dysfunctions.

^Completely agree. :)

The only place we depart on agreeing seems to be the reasons he may or may not have for being untrustworthy & disrespectful. I still don't think it matters and honestly imo that's not what is important here.

 

[FauxLiz]

@blackemerald1 and @PreciousChild thank you for continuing to think about me. I took some time off this past week in part because I had PTO that I was going to lose if I didn't use before July 1 and partially because I had been really ignoring my self-care the past several months due to the pandemic and work pressure.

It has been hard to not give in and reach out to him, mostly because I had found the one self-care thing that I had been doing consistently during the pandemic was going for walks by myself on his private hunting land. I didn't have to worry about there being anyone there so no mask required, great exercise as it was hilly, wooded and unpaved trails designed for ATV's and dirt bikes. But, I would rather find an alternative than give him any leverage/power over me.

Since all of this began, I have been working with my T on going back to the stuck point worksheets that we did last fall, to see not just how the dynamics of this relationship or whatever it was mirrored my marriage and my relationship with the members of my family of origin. I am nervous about the work meeting with him next month, I don't want to let my guard down but I also need to make sure that it appears that everything is normal and fine between us as I don't want any speculation by anyone regarding what may or may not be happening or have happened.

I have recently interviewed for a couple of different positions that would have me relocate again, and I am continuing my job search, I need to leave this area we have recently been identified as THE statewide COVID hotspot due to the influx of non-compliant tourists and the unfortunate circumstances of large amounts of migrant and seasonal workers moving into the area for the summer. We don't have a large year-round population but our current infection rate for the county is the highest in the state, higher even than the Detroit metro area at its peak a couple months ago scary when you consider the only hospital in the county has 0 ICU beds and a total of 14 beds otherwise.

 

[PreciousChild]

@FauxLiz , sounds like a good plan - to keep things normal as possible in the externals while you take care of what you need to. I think it's really hard to extricate oneself from a relationship even a short-term one when you've already started to care about someone. It isn't easy, but stay strong. My girlfriends and I remind each other that even prostitutes feel that way about their pimps - they go back after running away because their feelings of love trump even the glaring negatives of being with their "guys". That feeling is not rational, but is a very, very powerful pull.

In the end, does it matter what motivated him to do what he did?

I agree that we have similar views. But to answer your question, @blackemerald1 , it matters to me because if I'm doing something that has a negative effect on my guy and it is genuinely problematic, then I want to take responsibility and work to heal or improve. But if the issue is that he's projecting his dysfunctions on me, I want to make sure that the side of me that blames myself for everything is kept in check and I either ask him to consider my needs or I stay away from the person who consistently projects his distortions on me. My guy has empowered me to say when something doesn't work for me and I ask for something different. I think we have to empower ourselves to feel confident in our judgments. If this guy exhibits a pattern of apathy and gas lighting, I think there is objective reason to take the practical advice to watch out and stay away in addition to continuing to explore our internal emotions around it.

 

[blackemerald1]

@FauxLiz - I'm glad you've had a few days off from work. The only part I never liked about doing that was coming back to all of the work ...left undone... waiting for me lol...

But, I would rather find an alternative than give him any leverage/power over me.

^Good thinking. I'd rather be independent from him in all things too.

have been working with my T on going back to the stuck point worksheets that we did last fall, to see not just how the dynamics of this relationship or whatever it was mirrored my marriage and my relationship with the members of my family of origin.

^Very pleased you're doing that too. You're brave to take another look at it.

I am nervous about the work meeting with him next month, I don't want to let my guard down but I also need to make sure that it appears that everything is normal and fine between us as I don't want any speculation by anyone regarding what may or may not be happening or have happened.

^Fake complete control and let your professional persona take over. You're being paid to be there & to do the work. Nothing more or less.... so that's the only basis for you being anywhere near him. At the same time, I can completely understand the nerves.

He may try to reach out to you prior to this meeting. He may be feeling a bit awkward too but idk.. just a thought. Maybe he's too arrogant to appreciate that part. So if a flurry of texts arrive try not to be put off?

I have recently interviewed for a couple of different positions that would have me relocate again, and I am continuing my job search, I

^Again, well done. I remember when you applied for this job... you were so unsure - the move..all of it. Now look how far you've come! :)
I hope your applications go well and a great opportunity comes your way. :) :hug: