I've disappointed most people.

[SoulSeeker]

I have no friends right now. When I look back at the people who have met me, professionally, friends I've tried to make, romantic relationships. Most of them have been disappointed in me or are angry at me. Of course this started with my mom, who is never satisfied and who told my siblings and I that she feels threatened by us all the time, and that we make her want to

Spoiler

kill herself sometimes

.

So many times I have heard angry phrases like "I've never seen anything like this" where people are simply baffled at how bad I've disappointed them. My last girlfriend told me I'm "f*cked up" and that I'm "not the good person I pretend to be" when she was the one being abusive. I know deep down that I'm a good person, I'm a hard worker and I do my best. But I've been surrounded by aggressive, demanding, narcissistic people all my life. I'm not perfect, but I'm not bad. And yet, when I think about the faces of the people I've met, all I see is disgusted and angry faces. I've been screamed at so much. People have been so cruel to me when it didn't warrant such aggressive reactions. I've always been the one to freeze and fawn to avoid upsetting incredibly immature and emotionally dysregulated people and it has often come back to hurt me in the end of course. So many people have projected their own issue onto me and because of this, I have this deep belief that people decide who I am. If someone is angry at me and telling me I'm the worst person they've ever met, then it's true. And if they are not angry with me, they tell me to be this and that, to always do better and to be someone I'm not.

There's also a layer of pain associated with being a man. I've always heard, since I was a kid, that men are sexual predators, the worst, purely evil.

My CPTSD makes me very protective, leaning towards avoidant attachment or maybe disorganized, my main defense mechanism is to isolate or push people away because I don't expect anyone to accept me or understand me so I prefer to disappear or let them go.

Also, I'm weird, I struggle with pressure so I make mistakes, criticism triggers me and I'm socially awkward, I forget names, I struggle with memory, I'm incapable of doing math because of dissociation, my attention goes to weird places, I'm very sensitive and I offend without meaning to even though I'm always trying to make people comfortable and to be unassuming. I've always put a lot of pressure on myself to improve, to learn to be a normal human being but I keep making people uncomfortable or angry because I can't do things the normal way. I'm so tired of having to adapt, it's never enough. I just want to be accepted for who I am. I'm tired of seeing "the look", this expression people have when they realize "Oh... this guy is weird". I'm tired of going to parties, pushing myself to mingle and to see people getting increasingly uncomfortable because of me. Fake it till you make isn't working.
I think my looks are better than my personality and that confuses people too. I'm a mess of social masks, hypervigilance and coping mechanisms. It's confusing to me and others.
The people I've known who aren't angry or disappointed with me are like this because I've kept them at a distance, they barely know me, our relationship is low stakes.

I've learned a lot about boundaries, I'm trying my best now to avoid associating with self-centered, narcissistic abusive people. But now, all I have is my boundaries and I only feel relatively safe by isolating. I've had so many painful social moments that something has been broken. In a way, it's good because I think many parts of me can't take it anymore. I can't pretend anymore. I can't grind my teeth through discomfort anymore. My parts are screaming that they crave comfort and safety and won't accept anything less than that. But I don't know how to connect anymore. I think I crave things people can't give me anyway.
The only role I was taught is to serve others, I don't know what else to do to connect because whenever I've expected anything in return I was punished. Showing who I truly am irritates or disgusts people. I'm so ashamed that any kind of what I interpret as criticism, rejection or weird facial expressions triggers me right now. It's extremely painful, I feel weak. I've started to believe the anger that was projected on me. I've heard too much, I've seen it too many times, it must be true, they must be right, I'm an awful person. Still, I know I'm not. I'm completely torn and divided inside.

I'm grateful for my sister, she's so patient and understanding with me. She's helped me though terrible moments when I was being abused. She's the only person who truly sees me.

 

[Survivor3]

Hello @SoulSeeker and a belated welcome to the site. I enjoyed reading your introduction. Life can be really tough sometimes right?! I struggled through life for decades without any friends and being unwell. I'm on here every day if you want to chat sometime.

Also, we don't use trigger warnings here. Everything is a potential trigger, its upto users how they manage that.

 

[Sideways]

Mod Note:
@SoulSeeker - welcome to the forum!
I’ve removed your TW. On this forum, you can talk about your stuff without needing to warn anyone. Most of our threads contain potentially triggering content - this is a place where that’s totally fine.

You can read more about that in the Community Constitution.

Again, welcome. Hopefully this is a space where you get to feel some connection without the hostility that you’ve experienced elsewhere.

 

[Friday]

There's also a layer of pain associated with being a man. I've always heard, since I was a kid, that men are sexual predators, the worst, purely evil.

If it helps at all? The same kind of abusive assholes & eedjits despise women. Soul stealing, money grubbing, whores of satan, filithy, unclean, purely evil.

It’s ALL bullshit and nonsense.

Nothing is inherently bad about men or women. Boys or girls. Nothing.

But abusive assholes? Can find evil wherever they look. (Ever heard the old joke “If you meet an asshole in the morning? You’ve met an asshole. If you keep running into assholes all day long? YOU are the asshole.”). Evil people? See. Evil. Everywhere. And worse, inflict evil, in the name of ridding it. THEY are the only evil for miles. Themselves and what they themselves do to others. If they’d only close their own damn eyes, yeah? Still their voices. Lower their hands. The evil would vanish. But no. They must inflict it on others. To feel good? IDFK. And am fairly glad I don’t understand it, to be honest. I know it’s wrong. I know it’s sad. And that’s more than I’d like to know. But I’ve known too many damn fine men & women who would have been better off raised by wolves.

 

[SoulSeeker]

I tend to believe that the more abusive people see the good in you, the more they will push their negativity on you because seeing goodness makes them feel uncomfortable about their own lack of it.

 

[Asatantrosa]

Welcome!
I also isolate alot and am having a hard time with relationships because of ptsd. It’s a work in progress i guess :)
I’m also new here but it seems to be a good place to be honest. I’m also weird and have been all my life and in some ways it’s a good thing even though it can be tiresome when people point it out

 

[WinnieThePoohChris]

What you have been through is not enjoyable and you are not the problem. When you're beaten down enough, when people seek to make you doubt, make you think that it is you who is the problem. That's their problem, keep your distance from them.

It's a classic abuse technique, make you doubt, think you are worthless, "the problem", its to make you trust the abuser, rely on them so they have more control over you.

Trauma responses have an effect regardless of where they come from. They can make you interpret something normal and pleasant as bad things, in the case of abuse, because an abuser has done that to you. Altered your perceptions over time to make you see it differently.

Some dont want to deal with trauma, others dont know how. Awkwardness in social situations is the name of the game for many.

Isolating is not a problem if you are aware of it. Gives you time to decompress and work on yourself. What do you want, how do you want to do it. Let's you avoid lots of people who would take advantage of your kindness. Weird is wonderful, evil are those that find enjoyment and fun in others suffering, do you do that? Doesn't sound like it.

Stop doubting yourself and putting yourself down. Biggest step you can make, if you stop doing it, actions and words of others have less of an impact.

 

[MKEPaul]

I'm tired of seeing "the look", this expression people have when they realize "Oh... this guy is weird".

Every single day. I looked up the origins of "weird." Germanic word, it originally meant something like "fate" or "destined." Implied unexpected. No connotation of *aberration* like today. For me, and this is an ongoing, effin hard thing, is to accept, forgive, and cheerlead that "weirdo" (Wyrd-worker) in the mirror. End of the day, he/me is the guaranteed one to be on my side. WE define ourselves, first. We live for ourselves, first. Once we embrace our Wyrd, then the others' judgmentalism falls into clear view. They may be right or wrong, but only I get to accept/reject their *opinion.* Doesn't mean we can't consult, listen to others. It means we SEIZE our agency to determine our who-I-am. For good or ill. My success. My failure. My growth. My care. It's not self-centered, but it is self-first in a positive way--I can't be for others until I "be for me." We warrant our inexhaustible self-affirmation first. We warrant our own trust and care first.

We'll deal with the mean people later. On our terms, not theirs.

 

[SoulSeeker]

Thanks for your words WinnieThePoohChris. I need a long break right now. I'm just scared that it will be very hard to go back to a social life after all that.

I agree with you MKEPaul, I just have a hard time embodying those beliefs. Some days I'm more confident than others. It's hard to really believe in inner strength and self-worth when it mostly comes from imagination. There's a reason why people who received care and didn't get traumatized simply don't even ask themselves if they are worthless or not, this ludicrous idea doesn't even cross their mind.

 

[WinnieThePoohChris]

Social life is always difficult. Work on yourself, when you're ready you'll be able to handle it. Like many, do social situations different and be more aware of your limits.

It is not your imagination, talking about it, looking to and striving to change and improve yourself, that takes inner strength and self worth.

Theres an argument to be made that those abusing do not have inner strength or self worth, why would they do it if they did.

 

[Rose White]

I've always heard, since I was a kid, that men are sexual predators, the worst, purely evil.

I’m so sorry that you heard this all growing up. It’s not uncommon for men to hear that, tragically. You should have been protected from that kind of speech.

 

[MKEPaul]

Thanks for your words WinnieThePoohChris. I need a long break right now. I'm just scared that it will be very hard to go back to a social life after all that.

I agree with you MKEPaul, I just have a hard time embodying those beliefs. Some days I'm more confident than others. It's hard to really believe in inner strength and self-worth when it mostly comes from imagination. There's a reason why people who received care and didn't get traumatized simply don't even ask themselves if they are worthless or not, this ludicrous idea doesn't even cross their mind.

I agree and I understand. Our interaction today, your clear mind and gentle words are proof that you are "good enough," that your sharing wasn't just brave, it allowed me to reflect, to breathe, and to know that I'm not alone in this. Thanks.