Sexual Assault I've Finally Accepted I Was Raped

[Cherry_Bluebell]

This hasn't taken away the thoughts and feelings towards it like self blame and guilt but I feel more liberated and that I can talk about being a rape victim in person (althought I can't talk about the event still). I've told my best friend I was raped - they said it explains so much and I'm accepting the therapy dealing with the rape. Its extremely hard I'm not going to lie, but I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders and I was hiding a secret from the word and feeling a great sense of shame attached to it. Has anybody else spoken about rape or sexual assault in person to others? Also did you feel like the perpertrator and circumstances put you in a position where you felt you couldn't speak up?

 

[Tinyflame]

'No' to first ,'Yes' to second.

 

[Starlite]

I've only told 1 person about the first time I was raped. I didn't know it was rape for a long time as I was a 7 year old little girl. The second time I was raped it lasted for years from the time I was 10 till I was 13. The whole time this was happening to me I always felt like I deserved it. He would tell me I was a bad little girl and I was getting punished or that my mom and him had there special time and we had our special time. He told me not to ever tell anybody because I deserved what I was getting or that every father and daughter had special times too. I never questioned it. It soon became more like a chore to me. Something that I had to do every other night even if I didn't want to. I never told anybody for a long time. The one person I did tell was my aunt and the only reason I did was because I was living with her after I finally left that how I was being raped and the guy (who was my moms boyfriend) was coming home with my mom to visit me and I was scared out of my mind. I told her I didn't want him to come and then I told her why. That was 4 years after I left that house. To this day I still don't talk about it. Not to anybody in person anyway. I probably should though. I've had many problems through out the years as I still do now with coping with the flashbacks and nightmares I still have to this day.

 

[WillyKat]

Absolutely; its a story many of us share.

I was six when my neighbor raped me and at first I didn't have words to describe it. Nobody paid too much attention to the other not-so-subtle ways I was trying to communicate that something was wrong. For three years, I was kept quiet by my abuser, but it really wasn't necessary. I blocked out the memory for 15 years until I finally broke down and told one person. It took me another five years to get therapy.

I found speaking about it to others to be tremendously liberating too. It was like I had been living under a rock for most of my life until at around age 36, I finally told my brothers and a few select friends. I could finally walk on the surface of the Earth and be counted among the human beings. I won't tell you that there won't be challenges ahead, because there will be, but telling that first person is a huge step, as is sharing it with us on the forum. I recommend some chocolate or whatever suits your fancy to congratulate yourself on taking this big step!

May I suggest a book? Judith Herman Trauma and Recovery. It has a very academic tone to it and a lot of technical jargon, but it has some very useful stuff in it. (I wish someone would write a more approachable version of it.) Search the forum, there are other books and some articles stored on the site that you'll find helpful.

And welcome to the forum!

 

[Cherry_Bluebell]

Starlite - sorry to hear that you went through that its terrible. Does your aunt support you with it?

 

[Cherry_Bluebell]

WillyKat - I'm really glad to hear you found telling other liberating. How has therapy worked for you since? I do need to buy more self help books relating to all of this, the only type of books I've read are child abuse biopgraphies and one self help book about having a narcisstic mother, which I found told me basically what I already knew

 

[WillyKat]

My success with therapy has been very good, but it didn't start out that way. My first visit was a disaster. Then I had a year of therapy that didn't really do much other than deceive me.

Nearly 20 years ago, I finally found a good therapist and got some real help. My progress was fairly rapid, partly I think because I was ready for it. It was during those 6 years or so of therapy that I wrote letters to my brothers and friends telling them what happened.

Two years ago, I felt the need to return to therapy, this time to deal with deeper issues. During the first few months, my progress was slow, maybe because I expected it to be rapid like it was long ago. But I made progress slowly, then a breakthrough, then slow, then another breakthrough. Just a few weeks ago I entertained the thought of stopping for a while, but I still have a ways togo.

I also have to give a lot of credit to this forum. I've learned a lot from interacting with folks here.

 

[Starlite]

@Cherry_Bluebell yes my aunt was very supportive too bad I can't say the same for my mom. My aunt ended up telling my mom what happened. My mom then came to me crying asking me why i never told her or why I never said anything to anybody. I didn't know what to say to her. The next morning when I woke up my mom was gone. She went back to Oregon with her boyfriend(the one that abused me). A few days later she called me to tell me she wanted me to take a lie detector test to see if I was lying about it. I hung up in her face and everything kind of went downhill from there. I was very suicidal for a while. Tried just about everyway to kill myself. Had a eating disorder. I was in really bad shape. I did go to a few sessions of therapy back then but I didn't really communicate with the therapist very well so left and never went back. That was when I was 17 I am now 32. I still have a lot unresolved issues. Still have nightmares and flashbacks. Still always wary about my surroundings. Don't trust much people.

 

[Cherry_Bluebell]

Starlite - you're better off without your mother and thankfully your aunt has been there for you. Just remember that even though your mum turned her back on you and put him 1st, its her who's going to miss out more than you. She's lost an important person in her life - for an abuser. Will you try therapy again do you think?

 

[Deleted member 27340]

I told my friend at school. He asked about self-harm. I said it was one thing that started it. He asked what. "Sexual abuse." was my only answer. That was the first time I said it out loud to someone. I had a panic attack.

 

[Cherry_Bluebell]

Trauma - I'm not sure why memories and opening up about these things triggers panic attacks (then continuous panic attacks afterwards). A similar thing happened to me when I told my therapist

 

[Deleted member 27340]

@Cherry_Bluebell Maybe it's because you're making it more real by saying it out loud, or something like that?