I do not push people away: it is more of a feeling of amputation. The phantom limb still twitches and aches to be a part my life and misses them.
There are times after careful consideration, that my self protection or mental stability from toxic people takes priority...although it is often painful to disengage. Some of those people knew of my PTSD and used it to their advantage to manipulate, tweak me out, bypass boundaries to win. I learned to let go.
It was important for me, to learn along the way, the variances between self sabotaging and self protection. Consider that not all "pushing away" is a bad thing and then there maybe times to reconcile.
I am so sorry that you hurt. Please be gentle to yourself. May you find balance and peace.:hug:'s if you accept.