Sexual Assault Just Found Out My Daughter Was Molested

[Deleted member 12723]

I understand how you feel, I was terrified.

 

[Heather]

NEED TO VENT

Nicole's school social worker is an a**hole!!! Nicole was crying today because there were some boys in the hallway looking in her direction and pointing at her and laughing. She thought they were talking about her.

She went to the social worker and said, "maybe people are talking and spreading rumors about her?" Social worker then asked her who she told about what happened with Selena. She told her that Brianna told the girls down the street first and then she told. The social worker then told her that she, "shouldn't be talking to anyone about her private business?"

Called my therapist and she said you never tell a victim not to talk about it. For her to say that once again is inappropriate.

What I want to know is where the f**k did this lady get her certification. If Nicole needs to talk about what happened. Then Nicole has every right to talk about what happened!

I'm so outraged I'm not even sending her to school tomorrow.

I did finally must the courage to call DCF caseworker's supervisor and told her I want a NEW caseworker. Ofcourse, I've heard nothing yet.

The caseworker did call and say forensic interview is set for Feb. 2nd. Will talk it over with Nicole and her therapist about pro's and cons of her doing it. Personally I think she should do it because it's her one chance to tell her story and dispute what Selena is saying. That she went along with it, makes me so angry!!!!

SVU detective said that they would never force her to do it.

Will report more when I know more

 

[Heather]

My daughter HAS DECIDED to do the forensic interview. I was happy at first. And am very proud of her for being so courageous.

But now I just feel sick to my stomach and terrified. DCF caseworker said they would talk to me for the first half hour then Nicole after that.

I want to puke. Am gonna call svu detective and ask him what kinds of questions they typically ask. Just so I know what to expect.

I really think I'm gonna have a heart-attack. Maybe this isn't such a good idea, after all.

Help! Any words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated at this time.

Freaked out I'm gonna be put on the "hot" seat.

 

[Heather]

Also school social worker emailed me back and said, "maybe Nicole's therapist should talk to her about the appropriate people to talk to about this. SERIOUSLY?!!!!

I emailed her back and said Nicole is being APPROPRIATE. That she has every right to talk to whomever she wants about this, peers included. What a dumb a$$

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Kids can be so cruel and I feel for your daughter and I hope that you can put her into a new school asap. She sure does not need this at all. It is all compassing shaming, rumor, and innuendo which does such great damage. I am glad you kept her at home the next day.

 

[Heather]

Made a mistake with my daughter today. Told her NOT to tell her friend that was spending the night about what happened with Selena. Was afraid she'd go home and tell her mother and there'd be more drama.

Then came to my senses and apologized to Nikki and told her if she needs to talk about it with her friend then to go ahead and do so.

What was I thinking?

It's so hard through all of this to know what is the right thing to do, to say, to act. I've never been so scared or confused in all my life.

I feel like I failed my daughter, in not protecting her and it's eating away at me inside. There were clues and I missed'em. How am I supposed to live with that? The guilt is enormous.

 

[ms spock]

These are commonplace cultural interactions happening to you and your daughter by a society set up to perpetuate all types of abuse towards women and children. You sound like you know this already but I wanted to give commiseration at a system that punishes and blames the victims. Some feminist readings could be good to give you some validation.

I would request the professional guidelines and codes of conduct for your case worker. Can you put in a complaint about this caseworker? Requesting another caseworker is a good idea. Be sure that she was saying what she was saying. Could she have been asking if it was sexual exploration? Because if there has been a misunderstanding that might be able to be cleared up. Otherwise it is poor and predictable behaviour.

Other children are not going to be able to process, manage or deal with what happened with your daughter - sad but true - so can she have an adult at school that she can go and talk to if she needs to talk about it. Some reasonable accomodation can surely be made?

You really need to not ruminate about this as much as possible, so distraction is an important thing for you and your daughter.

I went through this as a teenager from my father - it was the pits. I feel for you and your daughter.

 

[Heather]

Did call the DCF caseworker's supervisor and requested another person be assigned to the case. She called me back and said that if there's a case opened on me a NEW worker would be assigned.

I asked her about the forensic interview and if we would see her there. She said, "no". That makes me feel relieved knowing that we will never again have to deal with that woman.

 

[ms spock]

Self Compassionate parenting is a thing that might interest you in helping your daughter - I read about it in Kristin Neff's book - this is her website http://self-compassion.org/

Can you do things to distract yourself? Can you do self soothing? Can you do Self Compassion? Can you exercise? What can you do to take care of yourself and help you regulate your emotions?

I would suggest that you tell your trauma therapist that you are hearing voices. It is totally understandable that you are falling apart over this, it really is, but you need to be stabilised or otherwise things will go very badly for you and your daughter indeed. If you need to be in a psych ward you need to be in a psych ward. Taking care of yourself is the biggest protection you can give your daughter in the long run.

 

[Heather]

Forensic is tomorrow. Think I'm gonna puke. My mother has RELUCTANTLY agreed to come for support. What kind of mother is that? One that doesn't want to deal with anything in the realm of reality. She really sucks sometimes.

I think my daughter is scared. She came home from school and is holed up in her room. I feel for her. If I'm terrified, can just imagine what she's feeling.

I hate that this is happening.

What I hate the most is that I don't know who to trust anymore. And I keep asking myself, "do you really ever truly know someone?"

The worst is seeing toddlers with their mom and dad. They are so sweet and innocent. Their chubby little faces and all I want to do is grab their parents and scream, "keep them safe, make sure they are safe!!!!!"

Just the thought makes me burst into tears.

Tomorrow can't come soon enough. Just want to get it over with. I don't think I've ever hurt this bad. This is worse than enduring my own sex. abuse by my dad and even my brother in law.

Because it's so hard to see my kid hurting and I can't make it better. The guilt is like acid in the pit of my stomach. I failed my daughter.

 

[ms spock]

Have you see/talked to your T? It would be a really good idea to have an emergency session or phone conversation. Your own stuff overwhelming you means you won't be able to be there for your daughter in the way that you want to be there for her.

Everyone feels they have failed their children when they find out that they have been sexually abused - you are so not alone with that one! I feel for you feeling this though. It is a tough one.

I know you would like more support from your Mother - but think about it this way. Maybe her guilt at what happened to you has come up? That is what type of Mother she is - a guilty Mother? See how you are feeling and think of her feeling like that about you AND your daughter. I would be reluctant to go to such a situation as well as I would be upset at how much you are suffering and how much your daughter is suffering. Some people have skills in these situations and some people don't. It doesn't mean they don't care for you - it is that they aren't managing it. Perhaps downgrade your expectations of you Mother so you can get the little bit she is actually able to give you? If you see her as bad then you might go into confirmation bias? People mostly get it wrong in life a lot of the time - that is not personal against you. It just means you are not in a classic Hollywood film were everything turns out okay.

 

[Heather]

@Ms Spock I did talk to my therapist earlier today. Re: my mother what you are saying makes sense. She's never been able to give me what I've needed. It's left me angry.

That is why it is so important Nicole knows that I am there for her 150%. In her corner, no matter what. That's the kind of mother I want to be.