Sexual Assault Just Found Out My Daughter Was Molested

[Heather]

The thing that sucks about this is that Selena is a kid.... Nothing will probably be done.

 

[Marie E.]

@Heather Crossing all my fingers and toes for you and Nicole!!

 

[Heather]

@Marie E. Thank you for your support! Much appreciated.

 

[Heather]

Went back to forensic place and Nicole let them do the exam. I was very surprised but she did it. Her conditions: no bright light and no video. I don't blame her, who wants their vag. on video?

Very proud of her.

Also the rape crisis counselor was there and told her about Selena and what she was saying about Nicole and Brianna. Also told her how when Nicole and Brianna are outside. Tina (Selena's mom) will stare at them. Trying to intimidate them. Rape counselor said she'd call svu detective and see if he won't talk to her and tell her to cut the sh*t. Told her my behavior wasn't exactly stellar and that I was so mad coming out of Brianna's house, I flipped Tina off.

It'll probably come back to bite me in the a$$. I'm sure she'll complain to him, how I gave her the finger. I think if he calls me, I'll come clean and tell him immediately that I lost it one day and flipped her off. But I've never said one thing to her kid (Selena). And believe me, she needs a talking to.

 

[ms spock]

Congratulations for hanging in there @Heather.

I was wondering can you do some grounding, self soothing, distracting - something to give yourself a short and regular break from all the stresses? I don't know if that is possible, just putting it out there.

 

[Heather]

@Ms Spock Thank you for your support, as always you have such wonderful suggestions. I will talk about it with my therapist. I took a hot bath the other night with my mp3 player, it did help.

 

[ms spock]

I will talk about it with my therapist.

That is a great idea - as s/he knows you and can work on the details that will most help you.

I took a hot bath the other night with my mp3 player, it did help.

Fantastic on two counts 1) You are looking after you - which means you will last the marathon that is dealing with child sexual abuse and at the same time 2) You are modelling best practice to and for your daughter about self care and showing her by demonstration how you do it. This is priceless, as in the long run the children always follow what the parents actually do rather than what they say. So anything that is self soothing, guided audio of self compassion, guided audio of relaxation, a hot bath, exercise, eating well, disco dancing - well you are showing your daughter how to do it.

I imagine that you both will feel pretty ordinary for quite awhile, on and off, so perhaps you could start a list together - of "Self Care and Self Soothing" activities. That way you have a list on the fridge - if either of you is losing it - you can get the other one to come to the fridge - and do 1 minute of self soothing or 5 minutes - whatever you two are up for on the day.

So you can do healing things, in a practical way, for the two of you.

For me I struggle with this stuff - so if you come up with some hot tips be sure to share them on the forum. You could even start a thread - Self Soothing and Self Comforting Things for Mothers Whose Children Have Been Sexually Abused and you never know you might get some practical ideas from that. You don't have to start a thread I am just brain storming ideas.

You have been so proactive with what has happened with your daughter I hope you are giving yourself credit and some self congratulations for being there for your daughter on multiple fronts - for finding a new school, for being there, for being honest, for communicating, for understanding, for getting your own therapy - the list is getting rather long of all the good things that you have done - you know supporting her through the police and other statements. You have communicated to the professionals involved and negotiated (sometimes with unhelpful people) but you did it and that is what counts. You backed your daughter. So it is important to reflect on these successes and progresses for 1-5 minutes per day so you keep in perspective how well the two of you are doing. And it is not going to feel good or look pretty - that is the way of these types of situations. You feel pretty crappy in these types of situations.

 

[Heather]

Just found out from Nicole that she saw Selena molest another girl. She hinted at it about a month ago.

Today in the car she told me that she saw it happen. She was shaking and had tears in her eyes but she found the courage to tell the details of what she saw.

What do I do? It's Saturday. The svu detective doesn't work on weekends and if I have to sit on this t'il Monday. I'll go nuts.

This kid needs to be STOPPED!!!!

What's even worse is that the parents in the neighborhood know what's going on and are allowing their kids to play with Selena. Even worse they allow them to go into her HOUSE.

Until that kid gets help.... She's a danger.

SVU detective told me Selena denies anything happening to her. So, no forensic will be done. Only done on victims. So, I asked him where is this coming from? He said he didn't know but likely something did happen to her....she's just not talking.

f*ck!!! what do I do?

 

[ms spock]

Can you ring child services @Heather and let them know that other children might be at risk?

Could you ring the police and leave a message for the SVU detective for Monday morning?

 

[Heather]

Called the police. Officer came out and made report. He will forward it to SVU detective. but what Nicole recounted they're gonna chalk it up to experimentation because Ava never told Selena no or stop.

Nicole was under there to but got out of there as soon as she saw what was happening. Also reported to cop that she walked in on both Selena and Ava on her bed and quickly closed the door. She knew something bad was going on but didn't want to be a part of it.

Also I feel so heartbroken and guilty. Had both Selena and Nicole in backseat of my car. Selena was sitting close to Nicole and had her hand on her thigh. Nicole said in a sarcastic/joking way, "MOM, Selena is touching me". Selena immediately moved her hand.

Nicole said she was trying to tell me AND I MISSED IT. I don't remember that happening and I don't remember what I said. Neither does Nicole. I feel awful. She was sending out clues and I missed it!

I told Nicole how sorry I was.

I praised her for being so brave and telling the cop what she saw Selena doing to Ava

 

[Heather]

@Ms Spock - already done.

 

[Heather]

Nicole told me that she doesn't remember a lot about what happened with Selena in the attic or in her bedroom. I think she is repressing a lot of it. But she did also admit (with a shake of her head) that there are things that happened that she hasn't told.

She hasn't told her therapist or the lady during the forensic. Which is what I pretty much suspected.

She did remember me saying in the car when Selena was touching her, "girls behave". I just wish I had known what she was trying to tell me. She said she spoke up because she thought Selena was going to touch her inappropriately. I asked her if she was scared. She said no.

I asked if after I dropped Selena off did it cross her mind to tell me and she said no.

God, I hate this!