DID Just life with DID

[HealingMama]

I don't think this exists. Every person with DID is different. And yes, there are "criteria" to meet for an official diagnosis, but I have come to believe the diagnosis doesn't matter at all. It's how I feel and what I experience and what I do with all of that.

This is so common.

There may not be a picture perfect version of a system. You're correct. I know that I have felt like I could not rightfully claim any space in these types of communities because my experiences didn't sound "valid" compared to full amnesia/time loss, etc. I don't fit very well in CPTSD communities and don't fit in the DID world either. I have wondered about diagnosis mostly because I am so worried I'm just making it all up as a way to like, avoid responsibility or something. Or to be "special" like PTSD isn't special enough so I need something else. But I am trying to move away from thinking like that, because it's pretty invalidating to my inner family regardless of how differentiated they are (or not).

 

[Wendell_R]

Hi, @HealingMama . You're experiences sound a lot like mine! It took me a long time to accept the importance of my parts and the fractures in my personality, even though I was highly functional in life and didn't have amnesia/time loss.

 

[HealingMama]

Hi, @HealingMama . You're experiences sound a lot like mine! It took me a long time to accept the importance of my parts and the fractures in my personality, even though I was highly functional in life and didn't have amnesia/time loss.

Thank you @Wendell_R same, in most situations I am highly functional but that is because I steamroll the parts of me that cannot function so well and I am trying to make some space for them now.

 

[Sideways]

I think it's very easy to jump the gun with DID, particularly if you start working with 'parts' in therapy.

Having 'parts' to your personality is something a huge number of people relate to: the serious and professional part of them that goes to work, the thrill-seeking, fun-loving part of them that goes on a roller coaster, the erotic and sensual part that goes on a romantic date, the aggressive part that rages at the steering wheel when they get cut off in traffic...

Personality parts are also synonymous with other mental health disorders, even outside the dissociative spectrum. BPD is an example that springs to mind.

One of the isolating things for me about having DID is that much of my life, my past, my current day to day, I don't remember (at all - complete blank, not aware even aware there's something I don't remember) I can't access at all unless I get contact with the part that was fronting at the time. I can't just know, with confidence, who I am, what I've been doing, significant things that may have occurred that day...

That means having great communication with my parts. Which definitely isn't something I always have.

It's incredibly isolating to have this disorder that a lot of people think they understand because it's portrayed in films so often, or because they relate, on a personal, everyday level, to the experience of having distinct 'parts' of their personality.

It ain't all that. It sucks as a disorder, tbh. I love (love love) that so many people find addressing different parts of their personality, even just identifying different parts of their personality that can be worked with, independently, really helpful to their recovery process.

I don't think that necessarily means jumping on board the DID train is going to be helpful or accurate. It's a disorder that is best teased out slowly, over time (7 years of therapy being the average to reach a conclusive diagnosis).

So take it slowly, and be comfortable with where you are right now, particularly if it's helping you. Not everything needs pathologising.

 

[StillPen]

One of the isolating things for me about having DID is that much of my life, my past, my current day to day, I don't remember (at all - complete blank, not aware even aware there's something I don't remember) I can't access at all unless I get contact with the part that was fronting at the time. I can't just know, with confidence, who I am, what I've been doing, significant things that may have occurred that day...

This!! This is what caused my search for a diagnosis that took 10 years. I switch so often that to get back to the part that actually remembers what they thought, said, did, is near impossible. I read on this forum things like 'memory transfer' and 'inner communication' that helps...still working on both. I have a part that throws up pics in my mind to help me remember things (if that makes any sense), I suppose one can call that a form of communication. I'm also getting more in touch with who is 'present', but not in front, vs. a part that is very far in back who wouldn't have clue what is going on in the external world if 'thrown' to the front. Little, tiny, steps of getting to know how my DID works. Progress, I suppose. I use to think all the voices in my head were my own 'self talk', now I'm starting to differentiate (a little) who is saying what to who...

 

[StillPen]

Can anyone relate/give feedback on their experience?

In the laat two days, I've begun hearing my parts talk to each other rather than talking to me. I think it has always been, I've just never heard it so clearly as I have recently. Is that a good thing? Is that progress? I ask because they argue. I feel like I'm babysitting 24/7. In your experience, does this get better as you continue parts work? Also, should I intervene when the arguing continues or just let that go on. The only thing that works to get everyone to be quiet is to binge watch TV.

People in general need days off from work, I need days off from my brain!

 

[whiteraven]

In your experience, does this get better as you continue parts work? Also, should I intervene when the arguing continues or just let that go on.

It does get better. I would try to pay attention to what they are arguing about, but if it is bothering you, try talking to them. That takes practice, but the more you try, the more successful you'll be.

 

[Wendell_R]

Is that a good thing? Is that progress?

Yes, I think this is a good thing. If you think of dissociative disorders as a type of fracture of our personality, parts talking to one another is like knitting things back together. It's a big step towards integration.

Having the parts come up can be exhausting. It can also be really hard and painful, depending on what the parts talk about and the feelings that come up. One thing that has helped me reduce the feeling of babysitting 24/7 has been to learn if there are any parts who are competent at "minding the store". When they are out, my Big Wendell part is trying to learn to trust them and to take a break.

It also helps to keep looking for activities that are soothing for all, or places (real or imaginary) that are calming.

 

[StillPen]

Did anyone attend the Healing Together DID conference hosted by An Infinite Mind this past weekend? It was in Florida USA and available virtually. I'm in the US and attended virtually. It was great to talk to and hear from others diagnosed with DID. There are a lot more of us out there than I realized.

 

[Wendell_R]

Did anyone attend the Healing Together DID conference hosted by An Infinite Mind this past weekend?

We didn't know about this and will read up about it! We have another tab open already on our browser. Thanks.

 

[StillPen]

I found this thread, read the whole thing through thinking "Oh My God, this is great information!". Then I get to posts that I made and thought "wtf? Not only have I read this all before, I've actually posted here...a few times!" Barely, barely remember doing it. My last post was about the Infinite Mind Conference, I do remember making that post. I wonder who was in front for those other posts? When I re-read my own posts, I'm like "yep, that's my experience, alright". Was it me in front and I just don't remember writing it because my memory is crap? Or, was that a part in front, posting on my behalf? Or, was it a part in front typing their own experience? Who knows, everyone's DID experienceis different? If I try too hard to 'figure it out', the entire system retreats into the very back, no talking, black hole that is my brain. I get serious brain fog, my head starts hurting, and what I've figured out in the past kind of 'resets' back to zero and I have to somewhat start over. There's a rule that parts cannot post to their host's diaries (if I have that right). Hell, I still barely know I'm not in front until I experience something like this. How would a mod know if one of my parts was in front posting in my diary if I can barely figure that out, myself? I'll continue to post here to keep this thread active beacause I desperately need the connection and validation from others who have walked this walk with some success. Besides the 'I don't have DID, I must be making all this up' thing I go through on a regular basis, I also fight the 'my trauma wasn't bad enough to cause DID' and the 'I don't experience XY or Z, so this must not be DID?' thing on a regular basis, too. So, I have to continually remind myself that although my form of DID doesn't necessarily fall dead center into the DSM DID criteria, I DO have parts, they come completely to the front, constantly, and I don't even realize it. My memory is compromised and I am not fully functional as a result. I hear them in my head on some days but not others, they 'hide' from me when they realize I've 'heard' them. Therefore, my diagnosis is valid and I definitely belong on this thread! I would really appreciate any feedback.

 

[joeylittle]

How would a mod know if one of my parts was in front posting in my diary if I can barely figure that out, myself?

If you'd like more information about this, please follow up by asking in Contact Us - I'd be happy to give you more info, but do not want to derail this thread. Thanks!