DID Just life with DID

[StillPen]

Does anyone struggle with their family not believing nor knowing how to deal with your being DID?

Or, a better question...

Does anyone get the feeling that their family does not believe your diagnosis even though they've seen you switch?

I have two siblings who know my dx. If I bring up the word parts to them in conversation the air in the room goes thin...they clam up. Don't know how to feel about it.

 

[whiteraven]

I have two siblings who know my dx. If I bring up the word parts to them in conversation the air in the room goes thin...they clam up. Don't know how to feel about it.

I also have two siblings who know. We don't discuss it; it doesn't bother me. It bothers me more that people who are supposed to understand and help, don't. Like doctors, psychologists, and other health "professionals."

 

[StillPen]

Like doctors, psychologists, and other health "professionals."

My primary doctor, my psychiatrist, and my T all know my dx and they are helpful to a degree. I've learned a lot more about myself by being on this forum. I would love for a family member to want to understand it better, which would help them understand me better, but that has not been the case so far. It may be that they just can't relate...they've known me my whole life so they see what they see. I switched 3 times in front of spouse tonight and asked each time if he could tell the difference, 'no' he answered, so if he can't tell, how could they? I have to switch to a little before my husband can tell.

 

[Wendell_R]

Mrs. W knows about my dissociative disorder and believes it. She has experienced my switching. I have tried to explain it to a couple of friends I can trust, but haven't been able to explain it in a way that makes sense to them. That is frustrating and leaves me feeling lonely.

 

[prynne]

Reading this thread has helped me feel less alone. I'm not officially diagnosed with DID, but my therapist is treating me for dissociative issues and I relate to a lot of what is being said here. My therapist isn't too big on labels, which I say I'm fine with, but sometimes I just want to know for sure if I'm the same as these other people that experience having parts. It is a lonely existence.

I'm lucky to have an amazing partner who has an uncanny ability to tell when there's been a shift in my mood/personality. I'll never forget when I finally got up the courage to describe to him that I feel like I'm a different person at different times and that the other versions of me live inside my head and he said "Yeah, I know" lol. Apparently, he had met some of the others already and I didn't remember at all. The idea of that still makes me nervous. What are you guys saying about me when I'm not there??? lol. I know that some of the others are less than happy about the choices that I make.

There are so many topics that I haven't been able to talk about with someone that understands. If I write them all out in detail it would be a 10-page essay. Here's a vague list instead so if anyone actually wants to hear it/talk about it they can let me know instead of me just going on an unprompted rant lol:

-Making progress towards integration and struggling bc not able to "go away" and make another part deal with it or go on autopilot mode anymore
-Wanting to let the others talk during therapy but after so many years of trying to push them away at all costs it's like you can't let go and let them take over even when you want to
-Switching during or right after sex. Forgetting to yell at the child parts to go away before seeing or doing something sexual and feeling bad afterward. Hoping that one of the guardian parts worked it out before it was too late
-trying to get everyone to agree to the same internal rules
-Parts that hate you, sabotage you, want to kill you, are loyal to your abusers, or think they ARE your abusers. I have a part that loves one of my abusive parts and will do anything for him. Usually trying to sabotage me without me knowing bc I'm less suspicious of her than I am of him. She once listened to him and pulled a child part to the front and gave her access to body sensations while I was having sex to pseudo-rape her. Not fun. I didn't see that child part for months after that
-is integration the ideal?
-traumatic memories being held by another part so I can only remember what happened when they're close to the front. Makes it hard to process them if most of the time they aren't even there

Anyways, thanks for reading. I hope to continue the thread because it was helpful to me and seems helpful for others, too :)

 

[Wendell_R]

Hi, @prynne .

We're thinking a lot about integration.

We've been in the thick of learning to have the parts talk more to each other, and then that has led towards integration. But that whole process has been hard and exhausting because now when something difficult comes up, a handful of parts all experience the same thing. On the other hand, my female parts are coming together and that has been pleasant and exciting to experience. So we don't really know what our goal is. What we are sure of is that it's important to not integrate too quickly.

 

[whiteraven]

So many things I could talk about in your post, @prynne, but I'm going to reply to this one--

is integration the ideal?

I don't think there is any one answer to this. The first therapist I saw (I have DID) was absolutely insistent that we work toward that. His belief was that no one could fully heal unless they were integrated.

I came to believe that is BS. For some, it is a goal that is worth working toward. For me, it didn't work at all. I wanted only to become more functional, and having to focus on the stuff he wanted me to do was making everything worse.

I moved to a different therapist, and all she cared about was helping me become more functional. I did sooo much better, and now I have very few issues with my insiders. I seldom hear them, and I never lose time anymore.

 

[shimmerz]

I think it depends on what you feel comfortable with. Integration is where I am putting my focus, but that is due to the nature of my dissociation. I regress to infant/toddler so I can't function without integrating.

Also, I didn't focus so much on parts talking to each other (mine are basically preverbal) but I noticed that I had problems making decisions and doing the right things for myself because I was conflicted (I am assuming this was different parts). I made a pact with myself that I would, when in conflict, always default to what was best for my body. No questions asked. It made my internal experience a whole heck of a lot easier.

Have you looked at all at identifying the approximate ages of these parts?

 

[prynne]

learning to have the parts talk more to each other, and then that has led towards integration

This has been my experience, too. As I work towards getting the parts to work together and letting them express themselves this has naturally led to me partially integrating. Or at least I think that's what's going on. It's hard for me to tell if I'm not hearing from them as often bc they don't feel the need to take over as much or bc I'm trying to pretend that they don't exist (or bc one of the parts is up to some hijinks and won't let them do things). My therapist says that if I recognize what needs the parts are trying to fulfill (keeping me safe, helping me relax, etc) and meet these needs myself then the parts won't feel like they have to take over as often.

t's important to not integrate too quickly.

I agree with this and I'll have to keep it in mind. It's been hard to adjust to living life without leaning on the other parts as much. It used to bother me how often they would talk but now it feels lonely without them. Maybe I need to slow things down.

For me, it didn't work at all. I wanted only to become more functional

This is also what I thought at one point, but as I got deeper into treatment it was like @shimmerz said...

I can't function without integrating

Being split into parts is causing me so many issues that it seems like we have to integrate. I can't remember anything. it seems like most days I'm living in a fog. I can't work on my trauma memories if I can't access them. And a few of the parts want to do things that are so destructive that they can't be allowed to go on.

I made a pact with myself that I would, when in conflict, always default to what was best for my body. No questions asked.

This is a really good idea. I may start doing this, too. I also have issues with making decisions bc they argue. It seems like my preferences change hour to hour. it drives some people in my life crazy lol.

Have you looked at all at identifying the approximate ages of these parts?

My parts are mostly younger than my IRL age. The youngest that I know of is probably around 8, but I've had times where I feel like a baby. It's weird. I'm not even sure how to really describe it. I guess I just want to do...baby things? Not sure how I could better connect with a being that isn't old enough to process language. I guess kindness is a universal language

 

[whiteraven]

Being split into parts is causing me so many issues that it seems like we have to integrate. I can't remember anything. it seems like most days I'm living in a fog. I can't work on my trauma memories if I can't access them. And a few of the parts want to do things that are so destructive that they can't be allowed to go on.

Oh, I was totally like this. And worse. I had an insider that drove us to a city 6 hours away and then let me take over again. LOL What I mean is that I didn't make integration my end goal; doing that made me hyperfocused on that. I suspect most. if not all, of my insiders have integrated. I just put my focus on functionality - the rest natrually followed.

 

[prynne]

Oh, I was totally like this. And worse. I had an insider that drove us to a city 6 hours away and then let me take over again. LOL What I mean is that I didn't make integration my end goal; doing that made me hyperfocused on that. I suspect most. if not all, of my insiders have integrated. I just put my focus on functionality - the rest natrually followed.

Oh okay, I understand what you mean now. I feel the same way about integration naturally following functionality, that's how it's worked for me too. Taking over again 6 hours away sounds terrifying. That makes me grateful that most of my other parts seem to forget that we know how to drive.