Just need some anonymous support

[SometimesIAskWhy]

Thanks to the people who responded in October. I'm still hanging in there. I guess I'm here again at this moment because I've been feeling low/sad/depressed (more than usual, that is, because I am always depressed) the past few days and not entirely sure why. Last night I was crying in the dark for a few hours and I am just sitting here feeling despondent. I'll force myself to try to do something productive I guess. I can come up with some reasons why I might be sad, but it's more of a tip-of-the-iceberg thing. Certain more tangible occurrences in recent days but they really point to bigger patterns of my stupid life and then the bigger root cause of the emotionally abusive upbringing and whatnot. And so on. So, fine. But yeah. Me attempting to post here is just attempting to do...something about it instead of internalizing it all.

It does suck, though. Sometimes I wish I had had a different life. It seems unfair. But then I think of all the awful things happening all over the world and it's like, why am I complaining. And then I wouldn't be who I am...again, so on. I've gone in all these thought circles before. It just sucks to be depressed lol.

 

[arfie]

I guess I'm here again at this moment because I've been feeling low/sad/depressed (more than usual, that is, because I am always depressed) the past few days and not entirely sure why.

it's more of a tip-of-the-iceberg thing.

welcome back, sometimes. peer support works better as a preventative than cure, but we are here for you, whenever and whyever you reach out. i opine that you answered your own question why with you iceberg analogy. i often call ^it^, "a cumulative effect" where one act of repression leads to another and another and another until i am out of control. enter the preventative measures. venting my angst, etc., as they arise makes for more manageable and constructive action.

I'll force myself to try to do something productive I guess.

But then I think of all the awful things happening all over the world and it's like, why am I complaining.

forcing myself tends to backfire in my own case. when i try to force myself, i end up feeling worse than when my childhood abusers forced me to do things. yes, worse things are happening in the world, but i believe that taking my own complaints seriously -without comparing- makes the world a better place. those are, after all, the complaints i can actually and realistically do something about. it won't protect atrocities such abused child soldiers, but? ? ? i do what i can and let the rest go. "if you want to change the world, just do what is in front of you." mother teresa

 

[Applecore]

But then I think of all the awful things happening all over the world and it's like, why am I complaining. And then I wouldn't be who I am...again, so on. I've gone in all these thought circles before.

This is where I started to recover. Realizing that someone always has it worse, and I am grateful for what I do have. Your pain still hurts, and it's important to feel it; and to find the right place and time to speak up about it within certain boundaries. And it's also helpful notice that you also have others things, apart from your pain. Just my point of view, based on my experience, which you can take as little or as much as you want from.

Thank you for being here for us.

 

[SometimesIAskWhy]

Thanks for the responses/support, arfie and Applecore. Still feeling really low today, wondering the point of it all. But, lol, I'm still here. I was able to do a thing I'd been putting off within the last few days, so that helped. I don't know. I guess I'll just wallow around in this until my mood randomly improves a little (and wallow in that until it goes back down again). Thanks again.

Edit: Just to add. I was out just now feeling sad/depressed/wanting to cry, wondering why I even went to that place (where I was), why I am even trying with a certain situation that just seems stupid/pointless, as well... but the one tiny thought reassuring me was that I can go back home and come to this board. I guess, because at least I know everyone here 'gets it'....feeling really low. So, yay for that.

 

[Applecore]

I was able to do a thing I'd been putting off within the last few days, so that helped. I don't know. I guess I'll just wallow around in this until my mood randomly improves a little (and wallow in that until it goes back down again).

You have basically got a little seed here that is already growing. If there's something else you've been putting off that you can do next, you will maintain momentum, and eventually you'll see the pace is really picking up well. And then the little achievements will become bigger ones. In my experience, it's partly random and also or perhaps even more about choices. Getting that seed a little sunlight and water can be random, and we can also choose how much it gets.

 

[SometimesIAskWhy]

Thanks. Yeah I'm in auto-pilot mode. Just getting up and doing stuff because the alternative is being in bed all day. That's what I want (to avoid being awake and doing anything) but I also know I shouldn't. But my mood is so low. I feel disconnected and empty. Wellllllp thanks for reading

 

[Applecore]

Thanks. Yeah I'm in auto-pilot mode. Just getting up and doing stuff because the alternative is being in bed all day. That's what I want (to avoid being awake and doing anything) but I also know I shouldn't. But my mood is so low. I feel disconnected and empty. Wellllllp thanks for reading

In my experience for what it's worth, auto-pilot and gaining ground is probably better than staying in bed, no matter how much mental rest we may need. There is a risk that we can end up being busy fools like Don Quixote, deluding ourselves that we are doing things when we are making things worse. But I doubt you're there yet. If you pick up some momentum from zero, your head is likely to be clearer.

You already have the essential ingredient of hope, at least some hope, which can produce a great revolution - or rather, a great evolution.

I only know this because I am now thriving after having been suicidal many times in my life. If I can do it anyone can.

 

[SometimesIAskWhy]

Here I am posting again, because I feel you-know-what, lol (the topic of this forum). Maybe checking in here helps a little. I don't know.

 

[Applecore]

Here I am posting again, because I feel you-know-what, lol (the topic of this forum). Maybe checking in here helps a little. I don't know.

Remember the littles things. Just been out to look at some little flowers. Last week saw a kingfisher. Had a nice call with a friend.

 

[SometimesIAskWhy]

Thanks. :( I think I saw some plovers earlier today; they were cute.

 

[Applecore]

Thanks. :( I think I saw some plovers earlier today; they were cute.

Was that in the UK? If so, there is an amazing Tweet of the Day today, if you know where to find it.

 

[SometimesIAskWhy]

No, I'm in the US. But I thankfully I do live near nice scenic stuff. I try to force myself to go to it. I'm still doing pretty poorly today. Nothing new. I think I like coming on here because I can actually be honest at least to someone out there in the universe how awful I feel mentally. I try to not show it to the full extent. I usually don't go overboard the other way, either, to pretend I'm totally great. I'll just be like "I'm okay/all right..." etc. Which means I'm not really. But yet I still say that I am. I was just thinking, at what point would I ever admit I'm not okay? I don't think I would, not to most people. But here I do. I don't know.