just posting I guess

[littleoc]

Im not even sure what to put here or why I'm making a post. I usually delete these. I guess I have to cope for while I'm trapped here. But I don't want to live. I never have. I've been in therapy for ⅔rds of my life, since I was a child. I'm tired. I'm tired of being angry and sobbing all the time. I regret everything. Every day feels so long.

I'm not going to find anything anyone says comforting. and I'm going to feel bad about that too

I keep remembering hospital patients in the past and crying for them at the moment. I've become so vague. No energy.

If I kill myself soon just know I'm at peace finally and I'm sorry for anything it causes. Sure I won't feel able to for years though. Trapped by obligations

 

[arfie]

I'm not going to find anything anyone says comforting. and I'm going to feel bad about that too

decades ago i had a sib-in-healing offer me a pack of razor blades on a day like this. she had bought them, just for me, in anticipation of our meeting. her offer helped me more than all the syrupy platitudes put together. it invited me to look more deeply at my desires to self-terminate. it turns out there is more to this world than my personal misery.

pain is inevitable. suffering is optional. ~anon

hope healing happens here.

 

[Ecdysis]

Hey... I have no words of wisdom... I just want to say I think it's good to post... and not just delete... Saying it does matter... It at least takes a layer of silence off it...

 

[MrMoonlight]

Hey Littleoc, I’m really sorry to hear you mention suicide. I’ve been in my own version of that dark place before, so I recognize how heavy it can feel. I don’t want you to hurt yourself. You don’t have to carry this alone, I’m here to listen if you want. You deserve help, safety, and a chance to feel better than you do right now.

 

[littleoc]

I don't have anything good to say. Left an awful rant in my trauma diary. Was going to quote it and drop it here but honestly I don't think I ought to. I shouldn't have posted this. I'm sorry.

 

[Sideways]

Glad you posted, @littleoc .

Sorry it hurts so much, but glad you’re here. And glad you posted.

 

[littleoc]

Thank you. I wish you hadn't said that, though. I've already decided that I don't want to survive this. I stopped being a slave and got free will and f*cked up so much.

Miss my service dog. Gonna stay around for animals as long as they need me, but after that, I have my method and I'm years past ready.

Just touching my mom's shampoo bottle in the shower sent me into sobs. As it should. At least I know what I did. I hope that pain destroys what's left of me. I f*cking hate this brain.

 

[littleoc]

I apologize for being so dramatic.

 

[littleoc]

I'm okay, sorry for the outburst

 

[In the weeds]

No need to apologize. We've all been there and hope we're there for you.

 

[Grasping Hope]

I understand what it is to feel that way. I too have spent a lot of my life not wanting to live. I'm not trying to help you out of where you are because if I knew how to do that, I would have applied it to myself already. Just know I'm standing with you.

 

[littleoc]

Thank you all