Kids

[Justmehere]

Twice now my therapist has said, "It's good you don't have kids right now so you can focus on healing."

She means very well by this, she is trying to help me use the time I have in my life right now to really invest on working on my PTSD.

She doesn't know I can't have kids of my own.

(yes, I know I can adopt someday, but I don't know if kids are in the cards for me or not. I want to have kids of my own, I'm just not sure it will happen. that's not really the topic of this post.)

Her comment hasn't ever really bothered me, but I find it odd that it hasn't bothered me. I sort of concerned that she will say it again, and it will bother me. I'm thinking of telling her at my next appointment that this particular comment has the potential to backfire in the wrong moment. But she means well, and things are going ok now, and it doesn't bother me... so I don't really want to stir anything up...

Should I tell her anyhow? Is this a stupid thing to even ask?

 

[MissMacD]

I tell my therapist all of my concerns about our sessions. It helps her help me.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I wonder why she brings this up repeatedly. A lot of people nowadays don't want to have kids. I mean you could replace kids with a myriad of other things such as "60 hour work week of a demanding job" or....well anything stressful.

Why kids? It seems like kids are her prerogative and maybe she is projecting her feelings on you? I'd say something. It just seems weird to me, especially since there are those who can't have kids and are very sensitive about the matter. The children issue is often times a sensitive issue and that's why comments relating to one not having kids are avoided by many. I'd say something to her.

 

[Sally sue]

Even though it's hard, it will probably be the best for you to talk with her about it. She may not even be aware of it. Not that it's the same intensity but it was making me feel horrible every time someone said "just" anything...it felt so invalidating, so I told her I thought the word should be struck from language ha! Now she's very careful about it, and helps me notice when I'm doing it, invalidating my own experience with "just!"

I hope that helps a little :)
Sally sue

 

[Justmehere]

@MissMacD you make a good point!

@Solara She did also say it was good I have a flexible job - and it is good. She said that only once. But the kid comment, that came up twice. It's the only really odd things she's said so far. Most people really do avoid saying anything about it for just those reasons. It could be more about her than me. It's weird.

@Sallysue - oh, I have been working on not saying "just" myself! It does help. That's a good example.

I will mention this to her at my next session. Thanks for the input everyone!

 

[scout86]

Maybe she's trying to GET you to talk about it?

 

[Justmehere]

She could be trying to get me to talk about it. She's pretty blunt about those things though - usually says "I want to talk more about xyz today, is that ok with you?" She might be trying to get me to see a good side to not doing so many things in life I wish I was doing. She's also an older mom of young kids, and might be kind of worn out herself by young kiddos.

I really do want to be a mom someday. Stupid trauma and PTSD has taken away TOO MUCH of my life. It should have been so different...

 

[Justmehere]

Oh, I just remembered something. One time we were talking about why some people get better and some people don't. She explained that some people resist processing trauma in therapy because it can be destabilizing and when you have kids counting on you, there is more risk of destabilization causing more problems. After that conversation, I have been triggered to the point of being destabilized twice, and those are the two times she said this about kids. It might have been her calculating the risks she was taking with me. Like, maybe she was thinking, "Justmehere has some time and space to work through this right now, she doesn't have little ones depending on her right now, I can help talk her through it, so this is going to be ok..."

 

[Justmehere]

It's all so odd because in my professional life, I work with kids who don't have parents in the picture. I'm told I'm very good at it. My therapist thinks I am good at it too. Maybe she guesses that I wish I could have kids of my own right now.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I have a thread about this in the private forums.

Kids are not for everybody and there is nothing wrong with that. I am almost positive that I don't ever want children. I put myself on long-term birth control for that reason. Most people if I tell them this they normally say "Awww. One day maybe you will have children." which gives me the impression that most people don't think long term about kids. Yes, maybe one day but I am 25 and that means I have 15 years to decide.

There was a time when you pretty much had to have kids. Not just becasue of population but also becasue there wasn't much for reliable birth control. But since the 70's with better birth control, women have that choice to have children or not or at least have less children (2 instead of 8+). Now women can think of education or career etc.

In this day and age it's a choice. Frankly for me, I am very grateful for that choice. There are many reasons I don't want children. 1) I don't want to pass on my issues to my children. 2) I am not a big kid person. 3) I get sick too often and will end up like my mother-neglectful.

And then I just really don't want kids. I can see myself perfectly happy without them. I can see myself in future being happier without them; I want to have a better chance at an education, I want to travel whenever I want. I just can't picture it for me. There are even studies that couples without kids are actually happier then couples with children.

I leave the kids for other people who want children, those hopefully healthy people. The world population doesn't need me to help it grow.

 

[Justmehere]

@Ayesha - I think that is a really smart way of looking at it - balancing out your history, what you like and don't like and what kind of life would make you happy. I think way too many people take the prospect of having kids too lightly. I like working with kids, but it is a totally different thing to be their parent. They are a lot of work!

I can't have kids of my own, and many adopted kids have attachment issues. Not all, but a fair amount of them do. I already have attachment issues of my own, and I would already be at risk for passing those issues on to my kids even if they didn't have their own attachment difficulty.

Both my parents likely have untreated PTSD, and I know what it's like to live with parents that have not dealt with their own trauma histories. I do still want kids, I just don't know that it is a good fit for me, or the kids. That is not to say that kids are not a very good thing for others. Working with kids has actually helped me keep going in life. It's so individual.

 

[BloomInWinter]

I highly doubt she's projecting anything onto you. This sounds like a normal part of the therapeutic process.

Chances are, she has noticed some avoidance or triggering of the subject, and is giving you a tiny bit of exposure to the feelings that come up when it is mentioned. This helps acclimate your system a tiny bit to the idea of discussing it, and you are gaining some trust in yourself that you are going to be ok if you do choose to go there.

Tell her everything you can push yourself to. It's all helpful in the grand scheme of learning that you are strong enough to deal with life on life's terms.