Kittie's Journal

Kittie

Confident
Making progress
After my mom passed away, I had many boxes of papers and photos to sort. Back then, paper photos were still popular, some I kept, some I didn't. While I was in the hospital after the accident, I wasn't able to eat food for a couple of months. I got my nutrition through a tube but I never tasted it. I wasn't able to move around and not alert much at first. As I healed, I shrank away to almost nothing. I got rid of all the gruesome pictures she took because she was worried she would lose me. I kept 3 photos where I look human again and in each photo I'm doing something progressive.

This is walking without someone or something helping. First trip across my hospital room without a wheelchair! This was a huge smiling through lots of pain moment! I lost so much weight, the clothes mom brought for me were baggy, even my boots.

THIS was THE day I thought I might be all right! The first ray of hope in my heart. Then baby steps. LOTS of baby steps. I laid there for weeks being a sourpuss because I never thought I would do gymnastics or circus acts again. No more sports. All the things I enjoyed were gone. My life felt empty. I would be an invalid. I lost hope. THEN I TOOK THESE STEPS!

It was the beginning of recovery. Recovery took years. I'm still recovering. I want to remember this moment when I feel low. The body can heal enough to work in limited ways. SO CAN MY MIND!

Millions of baby steps later, I'm doing more things than I ever expected. If I could've known that, I'd have been a less crabby patient.

I try to forget it all, but there are some things that should always be remembered.

Baby steps! Smile!
 

Attachments

  • 20191122_093834.jpg
    20191122_093834.jpg
    1.4 MB · Views: 7

Kittie

Confident
Today is another beautiful day! It's actually a headache day, but I'm going to make it beautiful anyway, doggonnit!

The below freezing temperatures wake up pain in my head where it had been fractured severely and radiates to my eye. Nothing new, just winter life. I don't use medication, I'm scared of long term effects. I'm the biggest chicken when it comes to just about everything medical.

I should stop here because it seems like when I go back and retype it to make it sound better, it produces multiple copies of the same entry.
 

Still Standing

MyPTSD Pro
Yeah, there seems to be extra sensitivity when it comes to old injuries and surgeries, in cold weather, huh? Sorry you have to deal with this. I understand the medicine thing. Sometimes the effects of meds, especially in long-term use, just adds to the stress of daily life. I hated having to deal with the start of withdrawals if I forgot to take a pill or put a narcotic patch on. I finally took myself off all such medications and there is a sense of freedom now...not tied to dependency anymore. There are times that the discomfort is tough but, I deal with it. I hope you live above the aching head and are able to find things, today, that will make you happy and distract from old issues. 🙂
 

Kittie

Confident
Yeah, there seems to be extra sensitivity when it comes to old injuries and surgeries, in cold weather, huh? Sorry you have to deal with this. I understand the medicine thing. Sometimes the effects of meds, especially in long-term use, just adds to the stress of daily life. I hated having to deal with the start of withdrawals if I forgot to take a pill or put a narcotic patch on. I finally took myself off all such medications and there is a sense of freedom now...not tied to dependency anymore. There are times that the discomfort is tough but, I deal with it. I hope you live above the aching head and are able to find things, today, that will make you happy and distract from old issues. 🙂
By the time people reach my age they have aches and pains all over. A lot of mine have become "normal" because they have been with me for so long and I have learned to live with them. There are others the almost stop my day. Instead of taking a pill to stop the head pain, I wear a knitted beanie hat to keep my head warm. I've heard other people who have metal plates in their head complain about extra pain in the Winter so I'm no different. Regardless, I'm just happy to be alive and I'll take the pain also! I've studied about the damage various pain medications can cause over time and that is more scary then the original problem.
 

Kittie

Confident
2:50am, what a time to wake up!
I wish dreaming was optional! I know things have been on my mind a lot lately because I had to share my accident information with someone I may be spending the rest of my life with and it wouldn't be fair not to tell him. I had a lot of anxiety preparing to tell him, which I could've saved if I'd known it was no big deal to him. It's all been in the back of my mind, even if I'm not thinking about it.

Pain may also been what woke me up. Maybe it triggered the dream. Its all connected. In the winter I sleep with my beanie hat on to keep my head warm, I found it on the floor. The blankets were twisted up and half on the floor...which makes me think I'd been dreaming for a while before I woke up. I know dreams can only last a few seconds and seem much longer. A slow motion replay in every detail. Time hasn't dimmed the intensity or frequency of dreams. I must dream of good things also, but I only remember the bad one. No variety of dreams, always the same topic.

I let My Guy know I'm not a good sleeper. He said he'd sleep on the couch if I had frequent nightmares. He'd better keep an extra pillow and blanket handy! I told him I don't come with a lot of baggage, just a couple of carry-ons, attempting humor. Humor is how I cope with stress, but not usually for this particular problem.

As part of my sleep routine, I listen to nature sounds...rain falling, a stream, ocean waves, etc. and I imagine myself in those peaceful places. I'll have to stop doing that once we share a home, My Guy likes silence to sleep. I should start practicing that.

Perhaps, its time to try hypnosis again. I think it was too fresh and new when I tried it before. I'd like a section of my memory erased so I can have a normal life, or at least normal sleep.
 

ladee

MyPTSD Pro
I had bad dreams last night too Kittie. It's why I'm up now. I woke myself making noise of trying to get away. What I do remember of the dream was just so confusing and 'dark'. I'm glad I can't remember it if I feel this way. Going to take time to shake that feeling.

It's hard isn't it sometimes, It's only dreams, but they can ruin our sleep and sometimes part of the day ahead.

Get you some earbuds to listen to your sleep sounds. Then it won't bother future hubby.

Maybe we can both get back to sleep and not be tired all day. Sweet dreams!!
 

Kittie

Confident
I had bad dreams last night too Kittie. It's why I'm up now. I woke myself making noise of trying to get away. What I do remember of the dream was just so confusing and 'dark'. I'm glad I can't remember it if I feel this way. Going to take time to shake that feeling.

It's hard isn't it sometimes, It's only dreams, but they can ruin our sleep and sometimes part of the day ahead.

Get you some earbuds to listen to your sleep sounds. Then it won't bother future hubby.
Sorry to hear you have disturbed sleep also. I know the feeling of not being able to just roll over and go back to sleep, gotta get calmer...and yes, it does make the next day tiring. If I nap, I ruin the next night's sleep.

Earbuds! Great idea!

Hoping you find calmness soon and pleasant dreams!
 

Freida

Sponsor
I have some of the same sleep issues (another gift of ptsd!) and I bought a headband headphone that I wear when I sleep. It's soft enough to wear all night and then I don't keep hubby awake.
 

Kittie

Confident
I have some of the same sleep issues (another gift of ptsd!) and I bought a headband headphone that I wear when I sleep. It's soft enough to wear all night and then I don't keep hubby awake.
What a great idea! Where are they sold? I could go for that!!!!
 
Top