Kittie's Journal

Kittie

Confident
Oops! I did it again...
I wasn't even having fun! (eye roll)
I broke my left ankle, this time a bone at the top and one above the heel in the back. I break a left foot bone once or twice a year. At one time it had many breaks, but healed...since then, its just a pain in the...foot. I don't bother going to the doctor, I wrap it at home and it heals. Then I do it again. Last time, I was rock-hopping in the river. Today, I was pushing one grocery cart and pulling another...downhill in the parking lot and the cart was faster than I was. That's a new one, run myself over with a shopping cart. I knew instantly the rest of the day would be tough. Driving home (32 miles), I told myself to enjoy sitting because I won't sit again until I "decontaminated" myself in the shower, all the groceries were brought in, put away. Also to be done was cat boxes and take out trash. The cat boxes are always the first (and last) chore of the day, but since I left before daylight, I decided to wait, thinking I'd be home around 9 or 10. It wasn't a fun drive, that was my clutch foot. I'll give myself the rest of the day off, tomorrow- back to work! I have to get this overdue order out!

I was told this foot would always be fragile. I've broken it many times since snd I'm sure I will again. I'm thankful its still there to break! It was so damaged, circulation was a problem in the early days, the doctor said I might lose it. That terrified me. I feel very lucky. No hiking or cyr wheeling for a few weeks, then... I wonder how I'll break it next time! I'd take a broken foot over a headache any day! I have to laugh at myself, life is too short to cry anymore. A shopping cart...sheesh! (I hope nobody saw that!)
 

Kittie

Confident
When life is a circus....Be the clown!

(me cyr wheeling about 3 weeks ago)
 

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Kittie

Confident
Enjoy life while I can!

I've spent many hours trying to figure out why most of the time I can't add a photo...
I have to wait until my phone service renews each month to get the high-speed for a couple of days. Glad I finally figured it out!

I usually don't get this wild very often in my old age, depends on the day. This was a couple of weeks ago after it got cold. I won't be doing this again until my foot heals!
 

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Kittie

Confident
Therapy appointment this afternoon, its been a long time since the last time. I always get nervous, even though there isn't any reason to. He always asks what I want to discuss, sometimes I know ahead of time, sometimes I'm clueless. I think the past few months, grief is holding me back from feeling well. That's the toughest topic for me. I'll never progress further if I don't find a way to put it in a neat little bundle and put it away. It was such a long time ago, and for people I didn't know. We were all just in the same place at the same time. The outcome was different for each person. The loss of those who didn't survive has kept me from making better progress. The "its time to get over it" that I tell myself isn't working. I can't see a bright future when my mind visits the dark past so frequently. If I don't think of it consciously, its in my dreams, again last night. I can't change the past, I have to focus on changing the future. I want that peace very much. I think its there if I can find it. I didn't get through it to be unhappy for the rest of my life. I find myself wondering how the other survivors are living their lives today. If they "got over it"...how? Everyone grieves in their own way, I seem to have gotten stuck there.

Today's appointment will focus on overcoming this. I'm already sweating, jittery and have a stomach full of butterflies. I know its something needing to be addressed when I feel it on a physical level to this degree. I so wish hypnosis could be effective to forget everything. A magic wand...anything. This is the part that has held me back in the acceptance and coming to terms with it. Hoping for some enlightening wisdom today!
 

Kittie

Confident
Yesterday's appointment went well and I don't know why I get so worked up before appointments.

I was taught a poem to calm myself...
"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can't change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. "

I may not leave with the specific answers I'm seeking, but I do gain something helpful. This poem is timeless...good for the yesterdays, today and tomorrow.
 

Sadielady3

Confident
I'm glad to hear that your appointment went well. I hope you find that poem useful in calming yourself.

I almost never leave therapy with answers but I tend to leave with questions that help me find the answers as I reflect on them independently. Here's hoping you can find the answers you seek either in therapy or as you journey through the days to come.
 

Kittie

Confident
Time to re-evaluate if My Guy is right for me! I know he never displays emotion except for being excited to move, but yesterday evening he got a message from his brother (I didn't know he had one!) that he tested positive for Covid. I said I was sorry to hear that and I hope his brother would feel better soon. The response floored me! My Guy said, "That's life." Nothing more...except look at the photos of a property and wanting my opinion. I'm stunned by his reaction, or lack of reaction. I can't help but wonder if that news was mine, would my special friend's reaction be "thats life"? Seems rather cold. I sounded more concerned than he did and never knew the man existed. I also want to cancel the Thanksgiving campout, because My Guy has likely been exposed to it. Call me paranoid, but I don't want to take any chances of catching that bad bug. I have a lot of scar tissue in my lungs, I'm concerned if I got it, it would "get" me and that's not a chance I feel like taking. But his words still echo in my mind..."that's life ". Could be, they didn't get along well, but still...! (Proceeding with caution!) It might be time to say bye-bye to him. I've accepted that. The other thing that tips the scales in that direction is after being agreeable to me renting my house as a trial run, he's back to the idea of "when you sell your house "... My inner "warning light" went off. Call me insecure, but the side of doubts is beginning to outweigh the side of certainty.
 

ladee

MyPTSD Pro
I'm so glad you are here KIttie. First and foremost for your own support of daily life. But to also have people to bounce your thoughts and feelings off of. We are 'mirrors of sorts'. We reflect back the good and right of each other.

And I'm glad to hear you rethinking your future with him. First of all, another red flag is not really knowing much about him. Especially the fact you have been thinking of moving in with him. And glad that red flag went off. Seems he will tell you what you want to hear then eventually let it slip he never took your feelings into consideration.

You are a good listener. And your radar is tuned to hearing him differently. That is a good thing. Yes, opposites attract, but you seem to be a very loving and compassionate woman. "That's life". And you aren't even sure if he's been around his brother and been exposed???

I don't know your relationship history, but it also speaks to why he had such an accepting facade to the most horrible time of your life. He wasn't accepting hon, he didn't care.

You have complete strangers here (tho we are getting to know each other better every day!) that are stunned and amazed at what you have been thru and the very fact you survived that plane crash!!! And, that you are so loving and caring for others.

I'm sorry that this is not turning out to be what you want and need it to be. But scars or no scars, you deserve someone in your life that has compassion and understanding. Someone you can lean into sometimes when times are hard. Not someone who would look up and say, 'that's life'.

Please take care of yourself with this man. Something is very wrong with this picture. And better to know now, than somewhere down the line when you have made major changes in your life to be with him.

You don't have to SETTLE for this man. Your life speaks of victories and accomplishments of the hardest kind. I'm very grateful you are paying attention.

Of course, the choice is yours to make. But please be careful and take very good care of yourself. You deserve much better than you are getting. We are here for you. You aren't alone. Gentle hugs Kittie. Take care of YOU.
 

scout86

MyPTSD Pro
He wasn't accepting hon, he didn't care.
That would be an excellent description of my ex!

We're all different and being different doesn't necessarily make someone bad. I had a complicated relationship with my immediate family and "learned" early that there not only wasn't any advantage to feelings, there were numerous disadvantages. As a result, I occasionally say things that cause my T to say, "THAT sounds pretty cold blooded" or, "that, all by itself, would score you a bunch of points on the psychopath scale". (He's also said not only am I not a psychopath, I'm way far away from being one.) So, there are lots of ways and reasons for not recognizing or expressing emotions. Having said that, if I'd been in your guy's position, I might have said something similar but I would have taken the opportunity to go on to explain why you didn't know I have a brother. (I do, and you well may not have known that, because we don't interact.) The thing is, someone I loved and wanted to spend the rest of my life with would also be someone who I'd want to know me well, so I'd definitely want them aware of the history. The whole thing, put together, would worry me. Just another thought. With my ex, if something like this happened (and it did) and I asked him about it, turns out what he usually did was make up a story. And I DO mean "make up". But it was never anything super easy to check out and I never felt inclined to check stuff out either. Not for another 11 years or so. Then it turned out he'd lied about a lot of things and did it all the time. Stupid things, that I couldn't imagine any need to lie about. Apparently he "liked telling stories" and did it for the fun of it. After I'd told him early on my only real deal breaker was lying to me..... People can be weird!

Regardless of why he reacted the way he did, I think it's legitimate to ask yourself if you'd be comfortable with that kind of reaction to things for the rest of your life. Chances are that's the way he's going to be, regardless of the reasons. Him backpedaling on the house seems like it might be a sign too.
 

Kittie

Confident
I'm so glad you are here KIttie. First and foremost for your own support of daily life. But to also have people to bounce your thoughts and feelings off of. We are 'mirrors of sorts'. We reflect back the good and right of each other.
I'm thankful for having the balance of the thoughts and ideas of others, it helps me sort out the whirlwind in my mind.
And I'm glad to hear you rethinking your future with him. First of all, another red flag is not really knowing much about him. Especially the fact you have been thinking of moving in with him. And glad that red flag went off. Seems he will tell you what you want to hear then eventually let it slip he never took your feelings into consideration.
For a while, the "red flags" were just yellow...little things that got my attention and stuck with me to make me give the individual ideas more consideration. As they accumulated, they became "red flags" in my mind.
Your description of how it slips that he never seriously took my feelings into consideration completed a thought I've been having for a while. Not that its "all about me", but there's "something " about him that feels wrong. I trust my instincts more than my thoughts and my instincts are, as a serious relationship, its "game over", which I accept.
You are a good listener. And your radar is tuned to hearing him differently. That is a good thing. Yes, opposites attract, but you seem to be a very loving and compassionate woman. "That's life". And you aren't even sure if he's been around his brother and been exposed???
He has no worries about it, and THAT worries me. He thinks everyone is overreacting, its "just the flu" and being blown out of proportion. He doesn't use masks or sanitizer or take any precautions. I carry sanitizer, wear 2 masks and when I get home, I'm straight to the shower, fresh clothes and the clothes I wore go straight in the laundry. I may overreact on the side of caution, but I know my weak points, my lungs are damaged...if healthy people are struggling/dying, I won't risk it.
I don't know your relationship history, but it also speaks to why he had such an accepting facade to the most horrible time of your life. He wasn't accepting hon, he didn't care.
We worked at a news station for years. He was on the live crew and I worked in editing. I later joined the live crew as a camera operator but found it so disturbing, I asked to go back to editing. I think he's possibly become "hardened" to life by seeing too much. (Just a guess!)
You have complete strangers here (tho we are getting to know each other better every day!) that are stunned and amazed at what you have been thru and the very fact you survived that plane crash!!! And, that you are so loving and caring for others.
I'm grateful for all of you here! This place is where I get myself sorted out better than a therapist's office, better than the good folks at the National Air Disaster Alliance who mail occasional info, better than the self-improvement books. REAL people who understand poor sleep, low self esteem, fears and have experienced the hurdles in life and are working hard at overcoming them to find happiness. There is true support here! I've tried finding professional help but it hasn't been especially helpful. The successful outcome is up to me.
I'm sorry that this is not turning out to be what you want and need it to be. But scars or no scars, you deserve someone in your life that has compassion and understanding. Someone you can lean into sometimes when times are hard. Not someone who would look up and say, 'that's life'.
I'm glad I'm learning now, before I make a bad decision that ruins my life, that can't be undone. Where I live, there is no one to meet. I'm leary of dating sites, I would be honest, but concerned about predators. I would have much less anxiety if I had the right someone in my life. I'm too trusting, to a fault. It's too bad people place so much value on looks when its what's inside that counts. I don't necessarily need a romantic partner, a nice roommate would be good for me mentally. Someone to interact with so I'm not always alone with my own thoughts. Being alone adds to my anxiety, but the wrong person could increase it. By past experience, roommates have been less than positive people that are experts at "running their game".

I've far exceeded the doctor's expectations and even my own. I don't want to waste away "in solitary ". I love getting out and having fun, I missed a lot of opportunities which I make up for now. To look at me, I look incapable...but I find myself on top of mountains or kayaking down rivers having a great time. Its always more fun with someone else.
Please take care of yourself with this man. Something is very wrong with this picture. And better to know now, than somewhere down the line when you have made major changes in your life to be with him.
Exactly! I'm 90% sure this isn't happening.
You don't have to SETTLE for this man. Your life speaks of victories and accomplishments of the hardest kind. I'm very grateful you are paying attention.

Of course, the choice is yours to make. But please be careful and take very good care of yourself. You deserve much better than you are getting. We are here for you. You aren't alone. Gentle hugs Kittie. Take care of YOU.
Thank YOU for being there! I appreciate the straightforward opinion, it brings to light the feelings that have started creeping in and validates what I've started feeling lately, even if I didn't want to admit it.
Take care and hugs back!
 

Kittie

Confident
That would be an excellent description of my ex!

We're all different and being different doesn't necessarily make someone bad. I had a complicated relationship with my immediate family and "learned" early that there not only wasn't any advantage to feelings, there were numerous disadvantages. As a result, I occasionally say things that cause my T to say, "THAT sounds pretty cold blooded" or, "that, all by itself, would score you a bunch of points on the psychopath scale". (He's also said not only am I not a psychopath, I'm way far away from being one.) So, there are lots of ways and reasons for not recognizing or expressing emotions. Having said that, if I'd been in your guy's position, I might have said something similar but I would have taken the opportunity to go on to explain why you didn't know I have a brother. (I do, and you well may not have known that, because we don't interact.) The thing is, someone I loved and wanted to spend the rest of my life with would also be someone who I'd want to know me well, so I'd definitely want them aware of the history. The whole thing, put together, would worry me. Just another thought. With my ex, if something like this happened (and it did) and I asked him about it, turns out what he usually did was make up a story. And I DO mean "make up". But it was never anything super easy to check out and I never felt inclined to check stuff out either. Not for another 11 years or so. Then it turned out he'd lied about a lot of things and did it all the time. Stupid things, that I couldn't imagine any need to lie about. Apparently he "liked telling stories" and did it for the fun of it. After I'd told him early on my only real deal breaker was lying to me..... People can be weird!

Regardless of why he reacted the way he did, I think it's legitimate to ask yourself if you'd be comfortable with that kind of reaction to things for the rest of your life. Chances are that's the way he's going to be, regardless of the reasons. Him backpedaling on the house seems like it might be a sign too.
I'm sorry you had to deal with the dishonesty and lies. They say the signs are there, we have to look and be aware. That sure isn't easy, even when its plain as day. Yes, people can be weird! I'll count myself in that category, too!

I'm glad you're out of that bad situation and can focus on putting your life back together, though it's certainly not easy. You're showing your strength by doing it anyway, that speaks volumes!

I find no purpose in lying, the truth eventually comes out! It may take years but...someday it catches up. When it does, it brings heartbreak.

It's possible My Guy and his brother never got along, that would explain the emotional distance and uncaring attitude but it seems as long as life is peachy and fun, there's no bad feelings. Throw in some difficulty and he can walk away. I could be a "difficulty"...if I had a tough day, high pain, slower routine...that could be the breaking point and that could leave me up the creek without a paddle. In a way, he reminds me of a college roomie...a "good times" friend, but when times got serious, she would vanish like a fart in the dark. Lot of attitude similarities.

I'm definitely getting a wake-up call that shouldn't be ignored. Life is a roller-coaster, it isnt peachy all the time, especially as we are in our 50s and things that were easier years ago are a struggle today. It won't get any easier as we grow old.

Thank you for sharing your input, it strengthens something I may have known was coming but didn't want to see.

I wish you the best in overcoming your difficulties. You sound like you have a good understanding of yourself and your needs. (I'm still figuring out mine!)
 
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