Kittie's Journal

Kittie

Confident
A couple of weeks ago, I was concerned "My Guy" might not accept me once he understood my quirks. I was thrilled that none of it made a difference in his opinion of me! I, in return, have to accept him and his quirks...that's only fair.

We were never romantic in the years we've known each other, just very good friends. We've been spending a lot of time together lately to get to know each other better, to see if we can share a future together, maybe not as lovers, but companions.

A couple of things came up that sort of "stung"...little stuff, nothing to get fluffed up about, but it got my attention.

1. He said he can't conceive of the idea of having animals in the house (my cats), that they belong outside, wild. (They've never been outside except in their "catio" a safe enclosure). I mentioned they've never been out. They've been a major part of why I continue living, they keep me grounded. I couldn't abandon them.

2. While taking the tent down, he accidentally ripped the entire corner by pulling the tent while it was still staked to the ground. He never said anything, not even "oops". I said I could fix it with duct tape. He said just throw it out. I didn't bother to say I saved for 2 months to afford the $30 tent and this was the 2nd time it had been used. (My old tent was about 15 years old, worn out, patched and worn out some more!)

3. He's giving me a lot of pressure to sell my house. "Just take whatever you can get". I explained my mom and I put all our money together to find a decent place I could afford alone. 1 acre, 2 story house with sheds, all fenced in, all modern appliances. Its the nicest place I've ever lived...and its in the country. If things don't work out for us, I couldn't qualify to buy a cardboard box, thanks to my former husband. The payments are below 370 a month. This is what my mom called her legacy to me. I'd never be homeless. I have considered renting it and giving My Guy a fair chance but having this to come back to just in case. I don't think that's unreasonable. He does.

He threw away and gave away almost everything he had, and will replace it once the new place is built. He asked if I needed my stuff. What I have is all that's left of my mom and my son and a few special things of my own. No, I don't need all of it but would like to keep at least half.

He never experienced the love of a pet. He's never had an item special to him. He seems rather "cold", but I know his feelings are deep down, never showing. They're in there, somewhere.

His family member's funeral was yesterday. Just another day as far as he's concerned.

I'm noticing these little things and wondering if I'm having second thoughts or getting cold feet, which would be unfair on my part, he accepts me as I am and it works both ways. I wish I knew what to think.

I know it would be a buddy relationship, fine with me. We've never kissed or spoken lovey words. He does say he wants me to be happy, I wish the same for him. This will be interesting. The time to make up my mind is now.

Decisions, decisions.
 

Sadielady3

Confident
I think you should take some time to think over these concerns. Just because he accepted your quirks doesn't mean you have to accept his. You both should be comfortable with the parameters of your life. When I first started dating my husband, it was a deal-breaker if he didn't want to have pets. I didn't even have pets and we still don't (although I have been looking at dogs all day instead of getting my work done). It seems like a small thing to give up having a hypothetical dog someday but to me it mattered. It's one thing to make small compromises on things but to give up a lot of things that matter to you could be heartbreaking. What is important to your happiness? Listen to your heart- it'll tell you what you should do. I know I wish I'd listened to mine a lot more often in my life.

I hope that whatever decision you make brings you joy and a good life. You only get this one life to live so make it the best one possible with the options you have.
 

ladee

MyPTSD Pro
I hope you take some time with this Kittie. He's saying he wants ' me to be happy' yet asking you to put your cats outside, sell your house, and give away or throw away things that matter to you, that make you happy, is a glaring contradiction.

There is a reason you have these concerns and no, it's not getting cold feet. It's looking up and saying, 'what is wrong with this picture'.

Your cats and your things are not his to make decisions about. They are your things. And if it's a platonic relationship, you can have male friends without giving your life away.

Yes, things to consider here. We are listening. We hear you.
 

Kittie

Confident
I think you should take some time to think over these concerns. Just because he accepted your quirks doesn't mean you have to accept his. You both should be comfortable with the parameters of your life. When I first started dating my husband, it was a deal-breaker if he didn't want to have pets. I didn't even have pets and we still don't (although I have been looking at dogs all day instead of getting my work done). It seems like a small thing to give up having a hypothetical dog someday but to me it mattered. It's one thing to make small compromises on things but to give up a lot of things that matter to you could be heartbreaking. What is important to your happiness? Listen to your heart- it'll tell you what you should do. I know I wish I'd listened to mine a lot more often in my life.

I hope that whatever decision you make brings you joy and a good life. You only get this one life to live so make it the best one possible with the options you have.
You have a valid point! I think a heart of peace is worth more than a mind that's stressed. I feel I've gotten a second chance at life and I don't want to make a decision that will be regretted. I HATE being alone, but there are worse things. Thanks for your input!
 

Kittie

Confident
I hope you take some time with this Kittie. He's saying he wants ' me to be happy' yet asking you to put your cats outside, sell your house, and give away or throw away things that matter to you, that make you happy, is a glaring contradiction.

There is a reason you have these concerns and no, it's not getting cold feet. It's looking up and saying, 'what is wrong with this picture'.

Your cats and your things are not his to make decisions about. They are your things. And if it's a platonic relationship, you can have male friends without giving your life away.

Yes, things to consider here. We are listening. We hear you.
You typed my thoughts..."what's wrong with this picture "! I'm relieved someone else is thinking what I'm thinking.
 

Kittie

Confident
What would you tell someone else who was asking for your help understanding her friends "quirks" and she listed these?
I'd say...follow your gut, not your heart.
Lately, I've felt like the cartoon character with the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other, both trying to get me to pick a side. He's not a devil, he's just a bit insensitive and 100% non-emotional. I didn't know this a month ago. I'm going to follow both my gut AND my heart. If, as he says, "men think with logic, women think with their emotions" I don't think that's a bad thing. I'd like to chalk it up to my insecurity, but my gut says there's probably more, not yet revealed, that would be a world of future regret. This has also taught me its true, money can't buy happiness. He has plenty and isn't happy. I have very little and can find happiness in the smallest things. I wish he was down on my level for a month, it would be an eye-opener!
 

Kittie

Confident
Beautiful pink sunrise!
I had planned on going grocery shopping at the crack of dawn yesterday and postponed it until today, now its postponed until tomorrow. A few days ago, I overdid it on heavy lifting and the wicked headache hasn't stopped. The cold weather keeps it going. It was a mild discomfort from the cold before I stacked the heavy boxes. I've been taking it easy for 4 days, pet care and nothing else. Mostly I've been a couch potato with a massage stone, using it on my neck to stop the headache. I'm whining but I'm actually grateful. I could've been paralyzed at a level I couldn't breathe on my own or move, so I shouldn't complain about a stupid headache!

I've told My Guy I get debilitating headaches, would he mind if I was down for a week with pain and nausea? We still have a lot of getting to know each other to do. I no longer let these headaches make me cry, that makes it worse.

I have to share a laugh...I find it healing when I can have a genuine belly laugh at my own situation! I use knitted hats to keep my head warm in the cold and ordered one. It arrived, looked nice, extra soft...so I proceeded to stretch it out with all my strength like a piece of gym equipment! It no longer has that crisp new look, but I can wear it with no pressure on my head, so it warms my head without squeezing my head. I have a love-hate relationship with hats!

It's going to be a beautiful day even if all I do is clean cat boxes!
 

scout86

MyPTSD Pro
A couple of weeks ago, I was concerned "My Guy" might not accept me once he understood my quirks. I was thrilled that none of it made a difference in his opinion of me! I, in return, have to accept him and his quirks...that's only fair.
This reminds me a little of the way I was thinking before I married my ex-husband. (And they're related to the reasons he's my ex-husband.)

Don't your cats fit under the broad, general heading of "quirks"? And, wanting to hold on to your house seems smart, to me. What are you going to have to fall back on if the relationship doesn't work out? Is there going to be paperwork drawn up giving you some rights with respect to the new house? (If this is going to go ahead and be a serious, long term thing, you might even want to talk to a lawyer.)

Eventually, I realized that the actual reason that my ex didn't care about any of my "quirks" was that he didn't really care about ME. Not as a person. He cared, I suppose, as a means to an end. He was divorced and didn't want to be alone. We has some similar goals. I'm pretty sure, now, that he saw me as a resource he could use to complete the picture he had for what he wanted his life to be. It had nothing to do with me at all. He probably feel somewhere on the narcissist/psychopath scale. Not in a way that made him dangerous, but in a way that made him not a good partner unless you had no self worth at all. And that's the thing I'm wondering about with you and this guy. From things you've mentioned earlier, it sounds like you think the results of the accident you were in have left you pretty undesirable. Here, I've got to tell you, you come off as a very nice person and someone well worth getting to know. If someone can't see past a few scars, of what ever kind, they're probably not a person any of us needs to spend much time with.

Does this guy have any friends? Any people he's close to? How does he treat them? If he doesn't, any idea why he doesn't?
It's going to be a beautiful day even if all I do is clean cat boxes!
How could anyone not appreciate a person who can have an attitude like that?! It's snowing here. I hope you DO have a wonderful day!
 

Kittie

Confident
This reminds me a little of the way I was thinking before I married my ex-husband. (And they're related to the reasons he's my ex-husband.)

Don't your cats fit under the broad, general heading of "quirks"? And, wanting to hold on to your house seems smart, to me. What are you going to have to fall back on if the relationship doesn't work out? Is there going to be paperwork drawn up giving you some rights with respect to the new house? (If this is going to go ahead and be a serious, long term thing, you might even want to talk to a lawyer.)

Eventually, I realized that the actual reason that my ex didn't care about any of my "quirks" was that he didn't really care about ME. Not as a person. He cared, I suppose, as a means to an end. He was divorced and didn't want to be alone. We has some similar goals. I'm pretty sure, now, that he saw me as a resource he could use to complete the picture he had for what he wanted his life to be. It had nothing to do with me at all. He probably feel somewhere on the narcissist/psychopath scale. Not in a way that made him dangerous, but in a way that made him not a good partner unless you had no self worth at all. And that's the thing I'm wondering about with you and this guy. From things you've mentioned earlier, it sounds like you think the results of the accident you were in have left you pretty undesirable. Here, I've got to tell you, you come off as a very nice person and someone well worth getting to know. If someone can't see past a few scars, of what ever kind, they're probably not a person any of us needs to spend much time with.

Does this guy have any friends? Any people he's close to? How does he treat them? If he doesn't, any idea why he doesn't?

How could anyone not appreciate a person who can have an attitude like that?! It's snowing here. I hope you DO have a wonderful day!
That's the wake-up call I needed to put things into a realistic perspective!

Yes, I do think I'm on the Ugly List, but he doesn't mind. It's hindered me from being the extrovert I used to be. I've finally accepted myself after years and years. I knew I'd achieved self-acceptance when I offered to anchor the news on Halloween several years ago, though I was happy in editing where the back of my head was all anyone saw of me. My looks have no negative effect on him. After several happy lunch breaks, we became friends. We sort of gravitated to each other based on similar interests. He's recently retired and ready to live out his dream. I left years ago, but we stayed in touch.

I've decided not to sell, but maybe rent out my house on a 6-month lease, to my nearest neighbor who is a fair person, but not without a lease agreement. They sell legal kits at Walmart, fill it out, sign and notarize. Then I have something to fall back on if sharing a home with my friend goes "flop". This neighbor is a trustworthy person. I could rent to this family and not worry about damage or non-payment.

My Guy has a friend who goes mountain climbing with him, but mostly he keeps to himself. His family relationship is sad, he's barely in contact with them due to his dad being a drunk and My Guy's earliest memory is being beaten. It continued until he felt like damaged goods, pouring himself into school and work. He's physically free of that, but carries the memories, which still affect him. I can relate to being free from my own trauma but carrying the memories. Mine was a one-time event, he lived with his for years.

Just because we worked well together doesn't necessarily mean we would live well together. I'm keeping an open mind, and living a day at a time.

I hope you have a great day, too! Thank you for the insight!
 

Kittie

Confident
This day went better than expected!
When the headache finally stopped, I made spaghetti and pigged out. When I ate all that lasagna, my body may have been storing up nutrients for the coming days of headaches and nausea. I felt stronger after eating today...so much so that I worked on a project that I need to get finished, its overdue but the customer is patient. I've been down on myself for not touching it for days, but headaches rule.

My Guy is finding out on his own that he's sometimes not considerate of my feelings. He asked me to help him be nicer. I said that's something he has to do from within his own heart. I'm glad he's aware and discovered that by himself. He accepts that I'm keeping my house until I know we have a "sure thing", he has a new understanding. Our chat today was one of the most productive times yet. I'm not giving up on him, but proceeding with caution. I explained, he listened. He even includes my little furry friends in the plan. Only time will show his true heart. I'm going to sleep feeling satisfied and hopeful...and no headache!
 
Top