Kittie's Journal

Sadielady3

Confident
Sometimes we have needs that aren't being met, perhaps in your case it's companionship. I know for me, I'm willing to turn a blind eye or two to other issues to get that need met in an unhealthy way. I know I've engaged in relationships (both romantic and purely platonic) that were bad for me because I was afraid to be alone.

I know I'm just a stranger on the internet but I care about you. I want to see you thrive and be happy. None of us on here are with you in person but you do have people here that care about you. You are not alone, even if we're not in the same house as you.
 

Kittie

Confident
I know I'm just a stranger on the internet but I care about you. I want to see you thrive and be happy. None of us on here are with you in person but you do have people here that care about you. You are not alone, even if we're not in the same house as you.
Thank you for being there and caring!
I understand turning a blind eye to the small stuff and could be willing to do that, nothings perfect. I think its just part of getting along, to a point. I'm also learning I could find myself "alone" with another person. The right balance is what counts.

I appreciate you and everyone else on this forum, I was shocked such a thing existed! I'm grateful! I find myself wanting to fix the problems of others, but I can only be supportive as they make their journey. We're all in this boat together and it's a big boat!
 

Sadielady3

Confident
I find myself wanting to fix the problems of others, but I can only be supportive as they make their journey.

I feel this. I also wish I had the magical answers to help figure out the problems of others. I don't think any of us have the sorts of problems that can be solved, at least not in the short term. Perhaps it's the math teacher in me that wants to solve problems but unfortunately people, myself included, are not simple equations with a simple answer.
 

Kittie

Confident
The soap opera has come to an end!
I have mixed feelings...a mixture of relief, calmness, a little disappointment and annoyance (that I'll be over by the time I finish typing this) and satisfaction with just a touch of pride for standing up for myself.

It started as a normal chat, the one I used to call "my guy" called and said he found land, this time in Kentucky and he would send me a thing to click on to see it. Yep, gorgeous. I'm agreeable to anything except Death Valley, CA. This spot looked nice...Kentucky. He wanted my "ok" before he bid on the land, as always when he found a new potential homestead. Go for it, I said.

Next he said he's been going through old news archives and found several articles and videos that he would send, all I had to do was click, just like the various properties...but this was about the plane. I said no thanks, I saw it but it wasn't a news clip. He said it was recorded live and I could watch. I said I think I saw that once, keeping my sense of humor. He said "all you people got a settlement, what did you do with yours?" I said I got a new face and overhaul on just about everything even though it looks like I got it at the thrift store, still keeping a sense of humor. I lost my sense of humor when he asked if I wanted to go with him to the memorial monument and told him, no thanks, I'll pass, get a new hobby! (His obsession is weird in my opinion, but I suppose its no different than the documentary I watched on the History Channel 20 years ago about the Titanic ship that sank. I only watched it once and didn't think about it night and day.) I told myself, his obsession is "once a newshound, always a newshound". I reminded him he's retired from the news, find some fun!

Finally got him back on the topic of buying land and he made a list of what I can bring. (Oh, really?!) I told him I'll haul my stuff, he can haul his, as planned. He told me not to bring my family photos, which is at the top of my priority list. I reminded him they're important to me because its all I have left of my family. He said its pointless since they're all dead. (Knock me over with a feather!) He told me I could go live in a cave. (control issues??) He definitely wasn't being his normal self...or was he??? Humorously, I told him I might do that but I think I'm fine right where I am!

I let him know not to make his property choice with me in mind...he changed his tune. I told him good luck in his travels and his life. No amount of pleading will change my mind, I'm firm on that! Game over! He's quite upset that I backed out but that little "red flag" was right...there was "something" not right. He seems to feel his "manhood" is threatened if a woman can think for herself. I understand "give and take", but I won't be dictated. He wants to be the protector, the provider, but also the ruler. That doesn't work for me. I've gotten along in life for 25 years without a ruler. I believe I avoided a miserable future and I'm pleased with myself for standing strong. I'm shocked at the change in him, but I doubt its a change...I now think it's been beneath the surface all along.

He says I'm special and bring balance to his life. I won't let anyone unbalance my mess of a life, even if I go through the rest of it "flying solo"!

My rant is over, its out of my system. We part as friends though he hopes I'll have a change of heart. I'm "nopeing out" on that! If he gets so upset over not having total control, he's not right for me and I know that deep down. He was a good news crew leader, but he can stop trying to lead me.

He can find his way in life, as I will. At least I know I'll have peace. The odd part is I expected I'd be considerably sad if it ended this way, but I'm fine.
 

mumstheword

MyPTSD Pro
It sounds like you dodged a bullet with this guy.
It's so great to see you holding strong on your boundaries, standards and self respect.

It sounds like you're reading things right and being honest and real with yourself over his need for control and the upper hand.


I've been in a long term relationship with someone with high narcissistic traits, as well as a mother who exhibits "vulnerable narcissism" traits and "your guy" with his disregard for what's important to you and minimising of what you've been through sounds a tad narcy, IMO.

Being alone with the freedoms and self care possible is, hands down ~ ten million times better than living with a high narcissistic traits type person, so, I'm SUPER relieved that you are playing it safe with this guy, in case that's the case with him.

Also, I wanted to say, I'm enjoying your contributions and I'm intrigued by "cy cycling" is that what it's called? I'd never heard of it before 🤔
 

Kittie

Confident
It sounds like you dodged a bullet with this guy.
It's so great to see you holding strong on your boundaries, standards and self respect.
Thank you, I feel I've dodged one, too. I went with my gut instinct, which didn't kick in for a while. I was hoping through rose-colored glasses until it didn't feel like the right thing anymore. I know the input from people here influenced me to stay true to myself!
It sounds like you're reading things right and being honest and real with yourself over his need for control and the upper hand.
I lean towards the paranoid side but I can't lie to myself. I do wish it was different but...its not.
I've been in a long term relationship with someone with high narcissistic traits, as well as a mother who exhibits "vulnerable narcissism" traits and "your guy" with his disregard for what's important to you and minimising of what you've been through sounds a tad narcy, IMO.
I'm sorry you've had difficult people in your life. People should allow others to be who they are but so many feel the need to be in control. It feels pretty crappy...but you already know. "Narcy" is a word I'll have to remember, it does seem to fit.
Being alone with the freedoms and self care possible is, hands down ~ ten million times better than living with a high narcissistic traits type person, so, I'm SUPER relieved that you are playing it safe with this guy, in case that's the case with him.
There was a time, I didn't know how I'd manage taking care of myself and a young child without help. It wasn't easy but I feel it was the biggest accomplishment of my life. It was expected that my mom would raise my child because I'd be in a care facility, but I beat the odds. His loss tore me apart worse than anything but it was easier to accept because motorcycle accidents are common. I always expected he would be in my life, even a weekly phone call, I never imagined he'd be a memory. He was my grounds for sanity. I may be alone now, but being with a person that's hard to live with would be worse.
Also, I wanted to say, I'm enjoying your contributions and I'm intrigued by "cy cycling" is that what it's called? I'd never heard of it before 🤔
My friend, the tech wizard, showed me how I could record myself on the cyr wheel and created a channel for me. I was going to do a tutorial and teach others. I have 1 video doing the Waltz move as slowly as possible without falling over, haha! I planned to do others with wilder tricks but I don't know if I can figure out how to add more (and I ain't askin' him!) I deliberately recorded it with my head not showing, I can be the clown but not the freak show, too! I used to be a crazy daredevil, now more cautious. This is where you can see it in motion...


Cyr wheel Jypsi
 

Kittie

Confident
So very glad you got out - he sounds ....kinda horrible. The thing about the family pictures? WTH was that? Scary.
I sense there was a lot of "difficulty" (for lack of a better word) in his family. I "feel" what he showed himself to be at work and off the job was an act to try to fit in, but deep within, there's a lot of misery. As he became more comfortable with me, he didn't spend the energy to hide it anymore. I won't "get rid of" the photos of the best people in my life. I don't sit around and look at them, I don't get them out at all (or I'd feel sadder than sad), but I find comfort knowing they're there.

I mentioned to my T (I finally figured out what "T" means), a comment he once made and it was suggested That Guy may have sociopathic tendencies. From the little I know, his home life was awful growing up and he left home at a young age, worked hard in school and random jobs until he got his degree and poured himself into his work.

Just because we worked well together doesn't mean we can live together happily. I was only getting one puzzle piece at a time over several months and when I put a few pieces together, I felt this partnership was doomed. Some of the feedback here made me remove the rose-colored glasses and see things more clearly. I'm thankful! It doesn't feel like a "loss", but a smart choice. I'm really surprised I'm not feeling sadness about this. I woke up today with joy!
 

ladee

MyPTSD Pro
And even if sadness appears, that is normal too. You had dreams and hope of a life with this guy. It takes courage to pick ourselves over misery. And if you are alone, you are in very good company. You are a delight to read and get to know.

You did not survive the plane crash and losing your son to be bullied into a life that like you shared, where you would end up feeling 'alone' even with him.

I think he may have taken 'kindness' as 'weakness'. Not true. And if he had had any compassion about him, just the fact you are alive and thriving should have impressed him!!! It certainly impresses us!!!

I felt a cold chill down my spine when he said to leave the pictures behind. So grateful you paid attention to your gut and followed thru. Just remember, you may be alone in your house, but you are not alone in spirit. We are standing beside you with this.

And maybe as time goes, you will be content to be alone if that is how it plays out. I love my solitude. Because I am clear about who I am and what I will deal with and what I won't. Being alone is not sad for me. It is very liberating.

And sometimes when we don't 'settle' it opens doors for the right people to walk thru. If that is a heart desire for you I hope it manifests in a guy worthy of you. Not the other way around!!!

Extremely happy you did not put yourself thru years of finding the truth. Life is too short as you well know.

We are here for you, no matter what the day brings. Gentle hugs.
 

Kittie

Confident
And even if sadness appears, that is normal too. You had dreams and hope of a life with this guy. It takes courage to pick ourselves over misery. And if you are alone, you are in very good company. You are a delight to read and get to know.
Thank you, I feel like a whiney one sometimes but typing things out helps put things in order, especially with helpful feedback.
You did not survive the plane crash and losing your son to be bullied into a life that like you shared, where you would end up feeling 'alone' even with him.

I think he may have taken 'kindness' as 'weakness'. Not true. And if he had had any compassion about him, just the fact you are alive and thriving should have impressed him!!! It certainly impresses us!!!
I'm not looking to impress anyone, I seek peace, like everyone else here. Companionship would be a bonus, for sure! I literally can't stand being alone but it beats being with someone that causes ill feelings.
I felt a cold chill down my spine when he said to leave the pictures behind. So grateful you paid attention to your gut and followed thru. Just remember, you may be alone in your house, but you are not alone in spirit. We are standing beside you with this.

And maybe as time goes, you will be content to be alone if that is how it plays out. I love my solitude. Because I am clear about who I am and what I will deal with and what I won't. Being alone is not sad for me. It is very liberating.
I'm glad you're ok with being alone. I've always had family, so being the last one is a tough spot for me. I hope I adjust my attitude on that, I'll be much happier!
And sometimes when we don't 'settle' it opens doors for the right people to walk thru. If that is a heart desire for you I hope it manifests in a guy worthy of you. Not the other way around!!!
I won't spend my last years with "just anyone". I may not live in a place where I can meet anyone but if something is meant to be, it will happen. Like the old saying, it happens when you aren't looking! I wasn't especially "looking", but it seemed like a possible opportunity. I figured over time, that mess would've only become worse.
Extremely happy you did not put yourself thru years of finding the truth. Life is too short as you well know.

We are here for you, no matter what the day brings. Gentle hugs.
Thank you, those words are strength to me!
He's still sending photos and property info but I'm not responding. The cut-off time has passed. He wants to come visit for a couple of days through the holiday but maintaining contact won't get the "NO" message across. He seems to have forgotten I'm done.

I must be stronger than I give myself credit for because I still feel firm in my decision. I care about him as a human being, but not one to have closely in my life. Besides, if he's been exposed to the "bug", he can keep his exposed self at home and not bring germs to me! If he tells me he caught it, my first thought was using his own words and say, "That's life!"...but no response is the best response. I don't want to sound cold, but yesterday's discussion seems to have been forgotten. Strange, because my choice not to go upset him.

I'm out of practice in dealing with people, so a challenging one is a new experience. "Nip this in the bud" is my instinct. It may be the wimpy way out, ignoring him, but it seems best. I closed this book yesterday, he's trying to add an epilogue. Nope! The end!
 

ladee

MyPTSD Pro
It's not a wimpy way out to ignore him. It is standing by your choice to end the relationship. And if nothing else, his refusal to hear your words of NO, the way he is responding only adds periods at the end of the sentence 'NO'. No is a complete sentence.

Take care of yourself KIttie. Stay strong and know you are not alone!!
 

Kittie

Confident
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, but to me, its just another day. I'm thankful every day but having no family left to share a big meal makes the holiday depressing. Instead of being gloomy, I'll do the usual routine...housework, yard work, play with the cats, maybe spin in the afternoon.

I have a cat not doing well that I've been giving extra care to. I made a late journey to the store to get something that may help her. If it doesn't, it will be a very sad day. I'm going to think positive, that she will improve. Too bad she got sick at the end of the month when my finances are in sad shape. The last week of the month I hang tight and wait for payday. I'd have got less groceries, used less gas or juggled the money in any way it takes to make sure she was seen by a vet. On the positive side, my vet tech knowledge has saved lots of visits and cats were fine. If not, they were seen by the doc. Too bad they're so expensive! Working for one in the past, I know how things are marked up ridiculously high. She's extra special to me, she came from Beirut, Lebanon when Best Friends went and rescued 495 cats and dogs. We chose each other. We're both redheads, missing an eye and full of love. I adopted 2 of the imported felines. She's 18 years old now but acts young. I hope to have her longer. The other Beirut rescue was taken by a cougar on my porch and I couldn't get her away from it. Her name was Safiyyah, translated from Arabic meant "best girl friend "...she was, and I miss her every day. Even fighting the cougar wasn't enough to save her and I searched for days to find her collar. I felt I failed my best girl friend. The cougar went over the 8 foot fence to get on my porch and back over...with my cat. Unforgettable. Bashira was extra clingy to me ever since, I have to make sure she recovers.

All my cats are old except Saia and her grown babies, Simon and Bandit. The rest are in their upper teens and all are doing fantastic. I'll stay up all night again to monitor Bashira and care for her. I feel so helpless sometimes.

A minor moral dilemma...That Guy still sends property info, but I don't respond. He will wish me a happy holiday and it feels rude to not wish him the same. I've been fine in not responding. He's on his way to Iowa..long drive to feed his strange obsession. I don't know what he expects to find there. I have no regrets in turning down the invitation to accompany him. Yes, a long road trip is a good way to get to know each other better, but I think I know enough.

If I have time tomorrow, I'll wash clothes the redneck way before it gets so cold they freeze. I also need to get ambitious and put the last security camera back up...its the hard one, up the ladder, walk across one roof to reach another. I planned to take the system with me, but since I'm staying put, I need to finish the project before it gets icy.

I never understood "holiday depression" until it happened to me. It started with Thanksgiving and lasted until New Years day...or a few days after. My family had our traditional routine. I tried it alone the first year after there were none left but me and devastated myself. Since that year, I treat the days like ordinary days and feel much better. I'm over the resentment of all the happy families enjoying their holidays as I used to. I've realized just being alive is reason enough to be thankful! I hope everyone celebrating will truly have a happy one and enjoy every minute, because one never knows when those beloved people could suddenly be gone. Life is precious!
 
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