Knowing Your Own Mind

[Meadowsweet]

At the moment I don't feel like I know my own mind at all.

I don't know what type of personality I have. I don't know what I like or dislike or my own opinions.

I'm vulnerable when I'm like this, to being told who I am, what I should be thinking, feeling, what I'm experiencing, what I want or don't want anymore etc.

Its been a factor in previous abuse. Even if we don't like something, if we can't say what we'd prefer, then there seems to be no alternative choice.

I feel like I'm waiting for someone else to tell me if I'm ok, good, bad or ugly.

I wondered if anyone else recognises the feeling, and is there something you've found you can do about it?

 

[Zef]

The 'not knowing my own mind' is something I identify with pretty strongly.

I thought I knew who I was, but that is being challenged all the time as I try to work through traumas.

I think it is pretty natural for us humans to look for external input to help us figure out how to respond or think. . .especially if we have happened to be taught to seek external validation.

It is good that you recognize that this is a vulnerable state, that should help you in protecting yourself.

One thing that has helped me to figure out who I am is to try to remember something I am interested in. . .or something that makes me feel good. I use those things as a starting place.

For example, interacting with people on this forum is something that makes me feel good. That means it is part of my personality, part of who I am. Defining that to myself creates one little building block.

When I am so dead inside that I can't remember any of this, I will go review my favorites in my internet browser for a clue. . .or look through job listings and try to identify the ones that spark some sort of interest in me.

 

[Meadowsweet]

One thing that has helped me to figure out who I am is to try to remember something I am interested in. . .or something that makes me feel good. I use those things as a starting place.

I've been trying this since you wrote it, with interesting results. I think when I'm in the right place, and if I could find people who could understand me, I would enjoy being more sociable. I like chatting and I like the theatre.

It is hopeful rather than the reality at the moment, but hopeful is a better place than where I was this morning.

 

[EloiseLandau]

I think the you inside of you is being very carefully cradled until she wakes up ...

 

[712xx]

Hi Meadowsweet, maybe you'd be interested in taking a Myers & Briggs type test? There is a free test online...

http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp

... and it will give you a general idea of your personality type. I am an INTJ -- introvert, intuitive, thinker, judger ... what they call The Mastermind, lol ... sounds more menasing than it is. You'd certainly have a laugh at the description if you saw me in person.

Anyway, it doesn't take long, and just remember this is only an indicator and a general idea of your typology. If you answer the questions completely honestly though, it should come close to getting it near right. If you wanted to take a more indepth personality assessment, they have them at any counseling center. I found this information really useful in developing coping tools for ptsd that fit me a lot better than the general tools that T's use on the masses.

I agree with you, in that knowing yourself is essential. You can't fight for yourself if you don't know who you are.

 

[Hashi]

After having selective amnesia then recovering memories, I've struggled a lot with wondering who I really am and how much of what I've done has been authentic, rather than influrenced by the effects of trauma, other people, and my need to keep blocking the truth from myself.

What has really helped me to get to know myself has been journalling and doing journal exercises from books like "Journal to the Self" by Kathleen Adams and "The Artist's Way" by Julia Cameron (for creative recovery, but a lot of that is to recover your sense of self).

When I first did an exercise writing down the names of people I admire, for example, I was a complete blank. I had no idea because I didn't have a clue what qualities I admired, I was so out of touch with myself and my values. By trying exercises like this I'm now able to do it and I have a stronger sense of my own identity. (And I like the follow-up exercise of writing down the names of people you secretly admire!)

 

[Eleanor]

Another fun assessment tool (thank you 712 - I wouldn't have thought of this until you mentioned it!) is Martin Seligman's collection of assessment quizzes on happiness and strengths.

http://www.allphonesarena.com.au/Event_Calendar/Tim McGraw and Faith Hill.aspx

OK, not sure if this next bit will be at all helpful, or is even really on topic. I might be way off base, but just in case... This could be a very good place, full of potential, this "not knowing who you are or what your opinions are." The reason for that is that "You" are not just what you feel or think. Weird. Hear me out. A good place to start is not with feelings or thoughts, per se, but with values. (like Hashi said.) What is it that you value for yourself and others in the world? What principles do you think everyone should live according to? Follow those and see how the feelings and thoughts play out over time. Sometimes living according to your principles is uncomfortable or even painful in the short run - but as we grow more skillful in life we can find ways to handle the situations that we are in that honor our principles and minimize anyone else's pain. The tough patches are those (usually where someone else has violated some important principle before) and somebody feelings are going to get hurt at least.

This is not to say that your feelings are not exploring or worth discovering, Not At All! Feelings can be scary things tho - if they are strong and you are not used to them - and the principles can act as a kind of safety line to keep the feelings from turning "you" into the means of their satisfaction. Same thing with thoughts (oddly enough). I'm hoping this makes sense.

Don't mean to be mystical and mysterious here, so here is a pretty standard list of basic principles (I lifted it from an 18th century German philosopher Immanuel Kant with a few modifications - but all religious traditions and moral thinkers have approximately the same short list) Although I like these just fine - my purpose in putting them here is to give you the opportunity to see how they seem to you. If they don't "fit" with your intuitions - explore that lack of fit and see if you can formulate something that fits better.

Here are the ones he thinks can be strictly adhered to at all times (with a little creativity and courage on our part):

Be truthful/Dont' lie.
Respect other people's property/Don't steal.
Keep your promises.
Treat the capacity to make choice as "the goose that laid the golden egg" - your highest prctaical value/Don't commit suicide.
Be sexually respectful & responsible/Don't commit sexual misconduct.

Here are the ones he thinks we can't always do fully - but are worth aiming for at least:

Act Benevolently toward others.
Be compassionate/Don't harm animals.
Treat your body with respect/Don't indulge appetites (gluttony and drunkenness.)
Develop your virtues/Don't indulge your compulsions.
Notice when you have enough & cultivate gratitude/Don't be greedy.
Respect your own authority/Refrain from servility.

Keep in mind that this is kind of like juggling - don't start by trying to keep all the balls in the air at once! ACK:eek::whistling:

Best of luck and success on your quest Meadowsweet!

 

[sea]

... and it will give you a general idea of your personality type. I am an INTJ -- introvert, intuitive, thinker, judger ... what they call The Mastermind, lol ... sounds more menasing than it is. You'd certainly have a laugh at the description if you saw me in person.

I always get ENTJ on those Myers-Briggs tests but I'm an ENFJ. I used to be an INFJ before my brain injury. The Myers-Briggs tests actually attempt to quantify what Jung originally spoke of when he discussed cognitive functions. So INTJ would be Ni-Te, Introverted Intuition/Extroverted Thinking whereas ENTJ would be Extroverted Thinking and Introverted Intuition (Te-Ni), ENFJ would be Fe-Ni so Extroverted Feeling/Introverted Intuition (INFJ Ni-Fe) etc. There are sixteen cognitive functions so each type represents the order of those functions. So most online tests aren't an accurate representation of type. So if you've got INTJ and disagree with it you might be an INFJ with developed tertiary Ti. (Ni-Fe-Ti).

Fe fi fo fum...

 

[Meadowsweet]

Just to let you know, I am listening to the replies here and working through them:)

 

[Meadowsweet]

Having spent a bit more time with this, I think part of the problem at the moment is what was termed in another thread as 'ptsd personality'. When I look at the personality quizzes, I find the questions too hard because they demand such straight cut answers.

There are contradictions between what I'd prefer to do, and what I actually do. But much of this is to do with anxiety and avoidance behaviours. And I like to think that I will be able to overcome it to some extent.

I do have quite strong principles and ideals. But many of them have a damaging side because we don't live in my ideal bubble. I guess I can take on my ideals as a core part of my personality. But I need to find sensible barriers to keep safe.

Also, I've struggled with the idea of mindfulness. I can't cope with looking at the details of experiences. But having just sat here eating pringles habitually until I notice that I'm not actually enjoying them, I think it would help to simplify mindfulness to catagorise experience into pleasureable or unpleasant.

I think I'm so conditioned to feel what I'm told I should feel, that I don't have much of a measure of what I actually feel.

 

[woundedsoul]

Fascinating subject matter. I don't know how old you are meadowsweet, but I do know I didn't feel absolute certainly of myself until I was 40 years old. Younger years I was still learning about everything, life, other people, and myself.

Loved the link and article on post traumatic growth provided by Eleanor. Thanks. It really gave me a lot to think about my own ability to turn this negative experience into a positive one, albeit, eventually.

I believe it is necessary to go through a grieving process prior to gaining any insight or perspective that there was anything whatsoever postive gained from the experience of trauma. For some, this process could take years, depending so many factors, such as if traumatized as a child, when you realized you were in fact traumatized, when you begin to mourn for the loss of the innocence, and when you were able to allow a little light into the darkness of trauma and to begin the healing process.

 

[712xx]

Tip to taking those personality type tests: answer how you would react now (not how you think you should, or how you would have in the past). When you find yourself wanting to answer 'sometimes', think about what you actually do most often and use that.

The long version is better. If you can find a career counseling center, they have them there, and would be more accurate. Of course, these things shouldn't be taken at a bad time -- like when you are feeling overwhelmed by emotion. Take it at a calmer time, which will yield better results. If you see your score is around 35-65% for a particular category (I vs E, T vs F, etc) then you oscillate between them and are a little of both.

I have taken the long version twice and the online ones ... 2-3 times? in my life, and am always over 80% IN, and in the middle range for T vs F and J vs P. It is pretty safe to say I'm INTJ most of the time, but depending on the situation, can be INFP, INFJ, INTP ... because I have the ability to adapt to certain things (other things, not so much). I could never comfortably be an E or S no matter how hard I tried.

Think of each category as a continuous scale, for example, I on one end and E on the other. Do the same for each one. Where ever you fall on that scale, just know you can slide in either direction about 25% comfortably to adapt to situations, and up to 35% if you stretch your limits.