Lack Of Sexual Desire

[Lodinn]

Hello,

I am a married, 39 year old, professional, male diagnosed with combat related PTSD with major depression. I have spent many years in the military with multiple deployments overseas. About a year and a half ago my libido began to take a decline. When my wife and I were dating we had sex at least three to four times a day, every day. Then after we got married it slowed down to once a night and then as time wore on it became less frequent to maybe once a month then months would go by without it.

Now, I'm finding I have zero interest in sex. I cant get an erection while awake and if I happen to feel any stimulation it is only half hearted and remain flaccid.

I'm embarrassed by my lack of ability to meet my obligations as a husband and love my wife dearly. She is my best friend and I cant see my life going on without her. But, I find too that her advances and need for intimacy actually push me away. I have begged and pleaded with her to not touch me in a sexual manner because I cant stand to be touched anymore. I end up hating myself and feel a repulsion for myself that boarders on self mutilating because she tells me she finds me sexy and loves me and just needs to touch me.

My wife has promised on more than one occasion that she would refrain from trying to push me into intimacy but then turns around and breaks the promise on a daily basis and it really starts to bring me down when she doesn't respect me. She tells me that I have to do it because I am her husband and she has needs. I end up becoming either really emotional (actually began to cry) or become so enraged that I just go off. I would never hit her but I have found my tolerance for her advances has gotten much shorter. I have threatened to leave and go sleep in another room of our house and she gets upset with me.

My wife told me I need to go to sex therapy of which I'm not familiar. I go to the VA for PTSD therapy and am embarrassed to bring this topic up when I go.

I'm running out of options. Any help would be appreciated.

 

[Lucycat]

I'm embarrassed by my lack of ability to meet my obligations as a husband

In my opinion there is no 'obligation'. In a relationship we are in this together - to support each other. You know the 'in sickness and in health' part of the agreement. She has an obligation to help you with this not bully you.

My wife has promised on more than one occasion that she would refrain from trying to push me into intimacy but then turns around and breaks the promise on a daily basis

It sounds as if she needs some guidance on how to see this from your perspective. You are not a machine. Loss of libido is very common in PTSD and also as a result of some of the medications being used.

My wife told me I need to go to sex therapy of which I'm not familiar

You say you are already in therapy for the PTSD. Perhaps SHE is the one that needs sex therapy- to learn how other people live - ie without sex for prolonged periods for a variety of reasons.

I am afraid reading your post has made me feel very angry. She should not treat you like this. It is no wonder that you are struggling if she is piling expectations and unreasonable behaviour on you. There is far more to intimacy than sex, but it sounds as if she cannot separate the two.

 

[desiderata310]

Ok. So 3-4 times a day=madly in love/lust. SOME decline is to be expected as we become comfortable with our partner.

I've no doubt that she wants to respect you but is probably feel really rejected. Not blaming just explaining.

Finally, I KNOW that this is difficult but TALK to SOMEONE. Start with a GP or get a private therapist but honestly the fact that you have zero sex drive is something that should be addressed. It could be medications, it could be an issue you need to work through that has NOTHING TO SO with sex but the sooner it's addressed the better for everyone

 

[desiderata310]

Also I agree: loss of libido is common with PTSD.
I do not think you need sex therapy

 

[desiderata310]

Wow I do sound blamey and that was not my intent. This is on her but I wanted to say that you don't have to do without either.

 

[Friday]

This is an article we had over on the sister-site Mycombatptsd.com - Combat Veteran Only Website. ((Some of us split our time between there & here, some stay in the vets-&-CombatPTSD-only-sandbox. There are also vets here on this side who either prefer it over here or who have PTSD but not combatPTSD.))

http://www.sandiegouniontribune.com/news/2014/oct/11/veterans-sexual-dysfunction-ptsd/

It's a great read. Also talks about sex therapy. I'm strongly is the Go For it! camp here in sex therapy, & some VAs & VetCenters offer it. If yours does? Hell yes. Take them up on that shit, man, for real.

Some Quotes from the article:
“That fiery, playful sex that people have with their partners is a huge, positive buffer to all the other stuff you go through in life,” said U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs psychologist Linda Mona, who runs an intimacy clinic at the VA medical center in Long Beach.

“Life is hard. Sex and relating to others in that way is such an awesome buffer ... to nourish you. When that goes away, it’s one less protective factor to help you through life.”

"Medication is a factor. By one account, the average number of prescription drugs used by America’s veterans is 17."

 

[desiderata310]

Listen to @FridayJones on this one

 

[Leigh925]

I work in a medical office and I would suggest having your testosterone checked. Simple blood test. As stated above many medications can cause this as well. It's a simple thing to rule out....what if all it took was a med change? Once that is done then you can look for deeper issues. But we have several men your age a month coming in our practice with similar issues. Most often they have been resolved medically. Occasionally is is less of a physical problem and someone would need to address in therapy but the majority have been quick fixes.

 

[Anarchy]

The guys have already covered most of what I was going to, and more!

The bits I want to repeat
No means no, whether its a woman or a man who's saying it. not respecting "no" has a name.

She may well be taking it as rejection, abandonment or insult - if she does, that's her interpretation and she needs to get her own issues sorted out - it's in her head and it isn't your fault.

Most mental health meds and a lot of other meds too, things like beta blockers, colesterol lowering drugs etc, can bugger up libido

This is one for the two of you together and a sex or relationship therapist; it's the question of what does sex mean to each and both of you? Orgasms? Affirmation? chore? duty? love? neediness? I'm not looking for or expecting an answer, just putting stufff out there to think about.

You probably want to see the T seperately too. Especially if there are things that might pop up like like secret guilt at play, a one night stand, being attracted to someone else, a memory from your past that has re-surfaced. that sort of thing.

Even things like debt, or worry at work playing on your mind and doubts about self worth.

A good T will put you at your ease and knows where to look.

 

[HappyJock]

I'm in a similar boat with you (but not from combat). In my honest opinion, there is no obligation of sex. If you are both married and you've asked her not to intimately/sexually touch you, then that's that. You've been through a trauma and you have the right to feel the way you do and she should give you as much time as you need. In perspective, I'm similar to that. I have NO sexual desire and it angered me when my former girlfriend would try to do anything similar to an intimate touch. However, she was understanding. Knowing I couldn't give her what she wanted, though, I parted.

This isn't your fault.

You don't need sex therapy, in my opinion. You may find talk-therapy helpful, as most anyone can find it useful to talk to someone and open up where there will be no judgement. It takes time for the sexual drive to come back. Mine hasn't yet, even though I'm no longer dating. Further, what IS sex to you, compared to what it is for her? Talking this out, whether it be with a therapist or with her is up to you, but I find therapy to be effective if you find a good one.

Again, like others have said, no means no. If she has needs, that's fine. But you also have yours -- and that need is to be understood, loved and listened to in this time of difficulty.

 

[Ocean5]

"Medication is a factor. By one account, the average number of prescription drugs used by America’s veterans is 17."

Shocking and disturbing. But not unexpected since I've been told such a high number before.

@Lodinn As others have said medications can be a huge factor. I remember for months I was getting so very frustrated. Sorry to be graphic, but telling psychiatrist, "I can't even ejaulate to porn on this medicine." Let alone the other emotional side effects.

Plus with PTSD sometimes you just don't want people around, or to be touched. When they press too hard it pushes you away into bad states of PTSD.

No is no as others have said. My ex had issues sometimes. I'd just sit by bed holding hand, or just sit next to bed other nights. Just to be there to support.

 

[Lodinn]

Thanks everyone. I went yesterday to the VA here where I live and had my testosterone levels checked to see if there is an issue with low T. I also had my meds updated yesterday because I have been on Mirtazapine and doxepin for the last year and a half. I told my doctor about my issue with lack of libido and she put me instead on Cymbalta and something else to help me sleep as I suffer from nightmares and only get about 2-4 hours of sleep a night and hardly any REM sleep. I will be scheduling with a therapist to discuss this issue.