Landlord trigger

[SeekingAfrica]

So as many of you know I have rent debt and I was supposed to move in August. It was delayed until September and based on our last interactions I thought if I paid half my debt by end of August she will make me stay September until all is paid, as that way she has more "control" over me and if I pay her back. Now she told me she wants me out by end of month and if I Don't have the full amount she'll report me to the police. A friend said she can't because our contract isn't notarized hence she is in violation too.
Anyway. If I don't make enough I can leave for my parents(different country) few days before the end of the month and sent her payment by western union.

The big issue is when she talks to me that way... I know I deserve it but it gets me in fight or flight mode.

Today after I saw her, I went inbed for 2 hours and all the elements were dancing in your head, I have to clean, organize, minimize... probably stay with parents 4-6 weeks, find 20 ways to make 100$ or more and so on. And the I sunk. And I watched andslept and watched.... the distress this situation puts me under is bringing me straight back to the days my PTSD began when I was dissociating about being abused because I was an ocean away from anyone that mattered and I had tosave for continuing my education. I failed then and every time I talk to that womanit brings me straight to that feeling of not knowing if I'll survive or if I deserve to.



How do I regulate that feeling so I can survive or better yet succeed?

 

[arfie]

I failed then and every time I talk to that womanit brings me straight to that feeling of not knowing if I'll survive or if I deserve to.

empathy and healing hopes for both of you. i have been on both sides of this trigger and i still don't know which side is tougher. you already have some clues on how the renter side feels. the psychic agitation was even worse on the evil landlord side of the equation. once was enough. i don't do domestic rental properties any more.

How do I regulate that feeling so I can survive or better yet succeed?

breaking ^it^ down into bite-sized chunks is my go-to. ptsd survival and all those pesky details is a huge body of details, all by its lonesome. success? the older i get, the less i even understand what "success" is. a proverbial holy grail? a phantom desired by all but understood by none? a child tying shoes for the first time? success is getting what you want. happiness is wanting what you get. i go for the happiness.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

empathy and healing hopes for both of you. i have been on both sides of this trigger and i still don't know which side is tougher. you already have some clues on how the renter side feels. the psychic agitation was even worse on the evil landlord side of the equation. once was enough. i don't do domestic rental properties any more.

breaking ^it^ down into bite-sized chunks is my go-to. ptsd survival and all those pesky details is a huge body of details, all by its lonesome. success? the older i get, the less i even understand what "success" is. a proverbial holy grail? a phantom desired by all but understood by none? a child tying shoes for the first time? success is getting what you want. happiness is wanting what you get. i go for the happiness.

I believe you. By no means do I want her to be the 'evil landlord' in my story, nor to imply I was right. My only objection iss with the fact that things got worse I offered solutions (financial plan to pay in parts, with interest, moving out to cheaper place so I can pay her back faster)... she insisted I don't move until I pay, probably out of lack of trust and well, it only got worse from there....

I'm not saying it's easy on her but she keeps talking over and over about the plan we had at some point that didn't work and every month is worse.

I don't want to cheat her out of what I owe. But truth is due to her refusal that I move, my ptsd fears and life circumstances now I owe her twice what I can earn on my best month and I'm not including any food or bills.
There are no good options left. Either I payher what I can (likely 1/3rd), move back home and pay the rest in parts and she let's me stay....or she makes me leave and I pay the rest in parts.

Oh, succeed in this case would be somehow getting enough cash to pay that lady so she isn't in my life anymore plus enough for food, bills and ticket home. With 20$ extra to start my new venture while being home.

I mean you can't tell your landlord you had a mental breakdown for 3 months and anything someone could loan you has been done already.

That leaves magical option number 3 where I do everything in my power to earn that whole insane amount when in 3 months I have been earning barely enough to survive. Make some crazy business plan and it somehow works... which i am making as we speak, 15 things I can do, jobs I can do.... But I'm still not crazy enough to think that I can come out of breakdown and suddenly earn twice more immediately. I swear I'm crazy enough to try.

But PTSD stripped a lot of my options,no fast loans, no 20 people that can lend me 1/10th for 3 months.... Just me, may be 1/10th off selling old things and all else is on me to raise. If I counldloanit I would withcrazy interest, I don't care...but I can't. So I am taking it day by day and working to make as much as I can. And I'll have to leave without saying so, and make payments by Western union, which makes me feel low, but I have to survive...

I can make survival mean something later, but for now it is as it is....

 

[arfie]

By no means do I want her to be the 'evil landlord' in my story, nor to imply I was right.

i call myself far meaner names than anyone else could possibly call me. i know where all my sore spots are. . . right? wrong? do those concepts even have meaning while in the grips of flashbacks to when i was the unwanted tenant while doing onto others?

I mean you can't tell your landlord you had a mental breakdown for 3 months and anything someone could loan you has been done already.

nor can a landlord tell a tenant about their own mental breakdowns or the creditors breathing down their necks.

I can make survival mean something later, but for now it is as it is....

it is what it is, whatever the meaning i attach to it. healing hopes for all. no exceptions.

more steadying support while you ride the wave. hope healing happens here.

 

[Charbella]

she insisted I don't move until I pay, probably out of lack of trust and well, it only got worse from there....

^^^speaks of sharecroppers and it isn’t okay. Every minute you stay there mounts how much you owe her, so no she can’t insist you pay before you can leave.

Leave in the night, go to your parents, regroup and send her what you owe her, no return address.

The bottom line is, she can’t do much but take you to court for what you owe her, likely she won’t because it will cost too much time and money.

I’m by no means telling you to leave her and not let her know your plan, I’m saying tell her AFTER you’ve left.

 

[Ecdysis]

Leave in the night, go to your parents, regroup and send her what you owe her, no return address.



I’m by no means telling you to leave her and not let her know your plan, I’m saying tell her AFTER you’ve left.

This

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I'm scared no matter what I do, every second...
I'm the bad guy in the story but who cares? ptsd makes 3 weeks seem like a day....

 

[Ecdysis]

@SeekingAfrica I wonder if it would help to take the personal aspect out of this, as that's often what's most wildly triggering and debilitating

If a friend you cared about was in this exact situation, what would you tell THEM to do?

Usually we're a million times more compassionate and rational about other people's situations than our own.

 

[abovedown]

Can I ask are you talking about the same land lady you have talken about previously? Does she know about your history with trauma/pstd? I am just wondering whether she is not getting the full picture why you are late in rent. That you are doing your best but you do have an illness which affects your capability to manage things and if she shouts at you, it just makes things harder for you to work and pay her back.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Can I ask are you talking about the same land lady you have talken about previously? Does she know about your history with trauma/pstd? I am just wondering whether she is not getting the full picture why you are late in rent. That you are doing your best but you do have an illness which affects your capability to manage things and if she shouts at you, it just makes things harder for you to work and pay her back.

Yes, same lady,she knows everything from when we were friendly, I'm not sure she counts it as a factor or cares.
She has only used the information she knows against me in arguments.

 

[Friday]

How do I regulate that feeling so I can survive or better yet succeed?

You don’t.

DO NOT.

Because? f*ck them.

Now, my answer would be entirely different if this is your normal. It’s not. You’re leaving the country. You never have to deal with them, ever again. This is NOT about learning how better manage them. As an individual, or f*cking people over, in general. This? Is about you. You don’t want to f*ck them ovwr, because that’s not how you operate. You are NOT f*cking them over, because that’s not how you operate. That they’re yelling & screaming & throwing a fit? Pfft. Whatever. They’re drama. That. You. No. Longer. Have. To. Deal. With. Because you’re not just moving somewhere else, to get thenf*ck away. You’re not just miobing across town. You’re not changing cities. You. Are. Changing. Countries. They? And all their bullshit? Are in your rear view. Unless you want to turn the rear view mirror into a dildo, or something, you DITCH ever having to deal with them, in any capacity, and look forward. Life forward. Move on.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

You don’t.

DO NOT.

Because? f*ck them.

Now, my answer would be entirely different if this is your normal. It’s not. You’re leaving the country. You never have to deal with them, ever again. This is NOT about learning how better manage them. As an individual, or f*cking people over, in general. This? Is about you. You don’t want to f*ck them ovwr, because that’s not how you operate. You are NOT f*cking them over, because that’s not how you operate. That they’re yelling & screaming & throwing a fit? Pfft. Whatever. They’re drama. That. You. No. Longer. Have. To. Deal. With. Because you’re not just moving somewhere else, to get thenf*ck away. You’re not just miobing across town. You’re not changing cities. You. Are. Changing. Countries. They? And all their bullshit? Are in your rear view. Unless you want to turn the rear view mirror into a dildo, or something, you DITCH ever having to deal with them, in any capacity, and look forward. Life forward. Move on.

Sounds magical but I will be returning to that city in couple of months even if I leave in different apartment.

So even if I return to a hew apartment? Can't they still make trouble for me? Plus I'll definitely be repaying everything and even text interactions give me chills. I had breakfast and I'm back, in bed nauseous and dissociating in and out.

This is hell.