General Last Hoorah

[wife of]

Think it's sheer DOUBT lovely,he trusted the army and they f****d him over,then he trusted society and he didn't fit,he trusted himself,thats proving to be shakey ground for him,Scared to trust you will stay without hurting you,all you can do is keep proving you are going nowhere and hope he learns to trust in that.Hubbys tried to tell me I should go a few times and then tried to go himself thinking he's being protective,think he's got the message now though!!!

 

[sisu]

I think you are right Sue....DOUBT! I guess I just have to keep moving forward and showing him with actions that I am not going anywhere....hopefully he will trust that to be true sooner rather than later.

 

[sisu]

Well...he is back to ignoring again. He hasn't responded to texts yesterday or today. I haven't talked to him since Tuesday night and that "distant" conversation. No clue if I will see him to chat like we had planned this weekend. Plus his email is down, so I cannot even communicate with him since he won't respond to phone or text.

I have written a letter that I am going to hand deliver (tape to his front door) at lunch today. I am running out of patience and feeling selfish about it. I know this is his PTSD, but I hate the ignoring. I DO NOT call or text hardly at all. Maybe once a week or so....I am trying to give him space. However, we did have plans so I was just trying to see if they are on or off.....

He can't ever get over the doubt or fears if he is hiding from me!! We are FINE when we are together.... I don't understand all of this...

 

[willis williams]

What is to understand you've got a good head on your shoulders and it is all right there in front of you. You need just need to decide what you are willing to except. You know it is the PTSD or a combination of things. Where you want to be is the question if it is with him them you need to rane in your patience for now. Get a stronger commitment and then start with the patience waring thin. Both of you probably have a lot of doubt and fears because you tried it once before. I have faith that you have the answers to all your questions but your listening with your head and the answers are arguing. It is human nature to rationalize everything problem is we tend to talk ourselves into shit that ain't right. Like I said before try the heart it looks at the big picture like whats good for you, him, and the kids. Your head is more selfish generaly like you want what you want and your going to get it. Just blabbering. TEX

 

[zigadenus]

I think it is human nature to analyze that which we do not understand. I also think that for some of us the heart is involved too much rather than not enough. Emotion is not logical and never will be. The real question is what Tex said about what you are willing to deal with and do you have the patience for the long term? It is the kind of thing you think about and pray about for some time because it isn't fair for you to say "yes" now and then change your mind down the road. It will always be a matter of trust and once that is gone, it doesn't ever come back the same way again. Hugs:)

 

[sisu]

Well TEX, I did some thinking this weekend about all of this that has happened over the past month and a half. He pushes me away and then says something to keep me hanging on a little longer. I hang on because I love him and then he pushes away again. It is emotionally abusive and draining to me. I am a strong person, however I am a gentle person and truly do not understand how someone could be so mean to another person, PTSD or not. Even with PTSD, you know the difference between right and wrong. I would never treat my worst enemy the way he has treated me at times....the ignoring is very painful.

We were supposed to talk yesterday at 11am and I fully expected him to cancel. I never received a cancellation on the phone or text, so I went over his house for 11am. Guess what?!? He wasn't home AND his phone was turned off. HE WAS HIDING FROM ME!!! I am not an angry person and have never even had words with him, so I have no idea what would make a 45 year old man hide... I was pissed off. Hell, I drove 30 minutes and gas is f*cking $3.50/gal right now. All he had to do was cancel. ASSHOLE!!\

Well, that sealed the deal for me. I am done. I would have done anything for this man ~ all I asked in return was honesty and courtesy. He is unable to do these very basic things so I have no need for this type of toxic person in my life. He has taken enough from me. At this point we cannot even be friends...he has ruined that too.

I am going to get some counseling myself.....I am so angry right now about all of this. Hiding ~ what the hell?!?

 

[NikkiNikki]

ugh, I hate to hear that hun....((hugs))

 

[Jan-pattern]

I think it sounds to me like you are right to leave the relationship.

Only one thing to add... when you say " Even with PTSD, you know the difference between right and wrong" - actually, you may well NOT know the difference between right and wrong. It is a medical condition in which your brain 'takes flight' from reality under certain situations - in a range of different ways.

You, yourself, don't view getting emotionally close to someone as a threat to your existence, but for someone with severe PTSD, it can be just that, to their damaged mind. Under those circumstances, hiding and turning off a phone are maybe the only things to do, in an effort to 'protect' yourself from the 'threat'.Sometimes the 'threat' can be almost anything, including daylight or any sight or sound of a person, or the noise of birds tweeting... it is a very severe psychological condition and is not simply "he's upset" or "he's been through some tough times and behaves a bit oddly". It's more like what he's been through has torn him to pieces and the fragile threads that hold him together are snapped by ordinary everyday things, each and every day.

It is very very difficult to explain, and it seems to me that you are doing the right thing for you and him just at present. Good luck with the counselling and good luck with the future

Jan

[edited to emphasise the 'you' in middle paragraph means Elizabeth, where the other 'you's in the paragraph above mean a person with PTSD!]

 

[sisu]

Sorry Jan... I wrote that about the "right and wrong" thing after reading several of the posts by the vets on here. They said even at their worst moments they knew right from wrong ~ even though it didn't always stop them from doing wrong. I guess I just don't understand this at all....

I truly did try to learn all I could, I gave him space, etc. He is the one who made arrangements for this. He called me on Monday, asked me to lunch Monday, called me Tuesday night and said he was confused. We made plans together to talk this weekend about our mutual confusion.

All he had to text is, "I can't talk today"....I would have understood. Instead he hid from me.

 

[Jimmy1]

Being the Devils Advocate here. How do you know he is hiding. He might have honestly forgotten. I often forget things that are told to me. I have a whiteboard hanging up in my kitchen and yet sometimes I still forget as I don't write them down.

With his phone, how do you know its turned off. It might be broken (he has thrown it), or he could have lost it. I have misplaced mine before.

Do you know he is alright. How do you know. He might have injured himself and been at a hospital.
He might have been at another appointment as he forgot, and have his phone turned off.

Or, he might be in isolation. I often used to unplug my house phone and turn off my mobile to hide from everybody.

Jimmy

 

[willis williams]

Elizabeth, how you holdin up I am happy for you that may sound weired but I know what I have put women through and so I am happy for you. You may end up helping him anyways he will wake up one day and realize what he lost. It is hard to find someone willing to work on a relationship and understand PTSD. The next fella you date you need to slap him upside the head and say it may not last forever but no games while we get there. You allready know I admire you and I think that you will sort this out in your own time. You will meet a normal guy and he will be easy to handle after all this. Keep your head up you are standing up for yourself now just put your confidence behind you and let it carry you forward. I hope the luv and respect I am trying to send to you gets there and helps a little during this transition. I am not real affable with the way I write. TEX

 

[NikkiNikki]

Elizabeth, how you holdin up I am happy for you that may sound weired but I know what I have put women through and so I am happy for you. You may end up helping him anyways he will wake up one day and realize what he lost. It is hard to find someone willing to work on a relationship and understand PTSD. The next fella you date you need to slap him upside the head and say it may not last forever but no games while we get there. You allready know I admire you and I think that you will sort this out in your own time. You will meet a normal guy and he will be easy to handle after all this. Keep your head up you are standing up for yourself now just put your confidence behind you and let it carry you forward. I hope the luv and respect I am trying to send to you gets there and helps a little during this transition. I am not real affable with the way I write. TEX

I think what you said was awesome Tex.