General Last Hoorah

[sisu]

Nikki,
Most of my friends and family have no idea why I would want to be his friend and why I would allow him to be my friend. And I cannot explain it in a way they will ever understand. They love me and want what is best for me so they are blinded by that thinking. I have lots of friends, but only 3 people in my life that I can talk to about ANYTHING without fear of being judged ~ two girlfriends and my ex-BF. I am thankful I have the 3 of them, but my two girlfriends do not understand combat ptsd so they cannot truly understand but are great listeners. My ex-BF does, but he is only now beginning to share some of the darkness in his mind that causes him to do the things I don't understand.

I am glad to have this forum and happy that everyone on here is so open and willing to help me wrap my head around all of this. And I am happy to have my ex-BF as my friend, because he really is an amazing man. He thinks he is a lost cause, but I don't.

 

[NikkiNikki]

I know what you mean. I showed some of my friends the emails my ex sent me this week & they really could not wrap their heads around his thinking. They were all "well he cant just keep reliving the past in his head over and over and expect to get better". Ughhhh. I tried to explain to them that they are intrusive thoughts, they are not voluntary thoughts that he just wants to think about over and over again, but they they still don't get it. I didnt get it at first either. Its taken these last emails for me to see just how "sick" he really is right now.

This place is awesome. I would have been a mess (well worse than I was) without the info learned here & the people like you for all the support.

I am so happy you still have him as a friend! I did offer that to my ex, but we both know it just cant happen right now. Which sucks, just going to keep sending him healing vibes & hope he takes some of the info I have given him to get himself some serious help. My ex also thinks he is a lost cause...so wrong. Such a wonderful guy too, he just cant see that right now..

 

[Mockingbird13]

E,
I truly understand where you are at... this game we play is frustrating. I love him, I support him, he shuns me. I ignore him, - he calls. But any talk of the future or relationship is met with silence - this love- our marriage is all one sided.
He knows that I have been here and continue to be here for him, but my eyes have been opened and I see that I have been a doormat. - This by all means does not mean I love him any less, but I need to take care of myself, and our daughter. He destroyed so much ( not intentionaly) and I have stood by...but I cannot let his PTSD destroy me anymore nor our family.
Please take care of yourself....

 

[willis williams]

MB13, are you taking off your last sentence sounds discuraging. It don't mean much but I am proud of you. I've told you before I couldn't last even six months so I don't know how you lasted this long we PTSD sufferers are dicks till we get are head out of our ass.

 

[Mockingbird13]

Im a stubborn person..... I dont think badly of him...because I dont think its really him anymore (is that mean to say)? I think this last week just reafirmed alot to me...I had surgery on Monday - and I didnt rate a call or a text to see how I was doing .... this upset me, but I think I knew in my heart this is what I would get.
I dopnt know...maybe the courage fairy finally hit me hard enough to me to think clearer and to put things in better perspective. Part of me feels like Im giving up and I feel guilty - but then I reallize - this has just gone on long enough.... I have journals I have been writing in for the past few years, and I hate to say it, but there is not much progress - (very very sad).
I tried to let him know I have been here...I tried to help him understand that I was here to support him though anything - I reassured him that I accepted him no matter what - but I have had the door slammed in my face too long - I have been ignored, shunned and cheated on too long. - I dont hate him , I fell sorry for him - but Ive gotta take my life back ...UGH!!!

 

[willis williams]

f*ck you allready have it. Go through and read your posts you just needed closer. You have been doing all now you can start doing it for yourself. I feel sorry for him to he is loosing a good woman. I don't know one woman in all my travels that would put up with the total abandenment or the cheating. You have done it for a long time and for you to let him sort out his deamons and wate around for him is amazing. I know he has to work on fixing himself and sooner or later he will start seeing the light. I just hope he can find the help he needs because I to threw away a family and four years later I still regret it not the ex but the life I built that was all taken away because of ignorance.

 

[Mockingbird13]

The next step I think is the hardest... whats weird is I have the support of both our daughters, his parents and all our friends- I think I was waiting for me. Im scared, on which way to go right now. Our youngest graduates HS in 2 years and then Im done. She will be off to college and me ??? The thought of being alone I hate that thought, but when I take a step back I realize - shit I have been alone for a very long time.

Im not vindictive, but I do hope he one day realizes what he lost. Even if its just for a fleeting moment. I feel like Ive failed him at times, but.....

Who knows, Im toying with the idea of joining back up in the reserves. But for right now I know what I need to do. I have an appointment to see a lawyer next week. (I never wanted it to come to this), but I need me back.

 

[willis williams]

I think the feeling of failure comes to all when we are the ones that feel abadoned. In my breakup I was thrown away first so I felt abandoned for years before and for years after. I was pushing her away and she I then when I needed her most she needed to dicide if she liked me or not so I went elseware for affection. So I caused the end but I was carried there in my opinion. Legal seperation that she wanted but lied after filling out all the forms me signing them to make her happy she never filed them she just used them for control over me even tried to make me follow the parenting plan that wasn't legal it was never filed. Living in my own place I was the one thrown out I know I made mistakes but after working for everything and the having it all taken away and being discarded talk about crushing someone. So at least I can say I feel the pain of your abondonment. I also think you are doing the right thing in looking out for yourself because you will eventually end up with just an empty shell if you keep hiding or sepressing all the emotions just so he won't flip out. So good on you I think you are doing the right thing go out and live your life there is no reason that both of you need suffer with combat PTSD at least with one part not making an effort.

 

[sisu]

MB13 ~ You sound like a strong woman. Be proud of what YOU have accomplished. Even though you had no choice but to do it alone ~ guess what?!? you did it! Be kind to yourself. Be proud of yourself. I am proud of you. :)

My ex-BF is slowing falling apart! :p He was trying to fix his lawnmower this weekend....its one of those big riding lawnmowers. Anyway, it needed some part replaced and he couldn't find his jack. So he tried to lift it up so he could put it on top of something to be able to get to the part he needed to replace. Well....he dislocated his GOOD shoulder. Had to go the VA ER and get it put back in. He is in lots of pain for his stupid move. We talked a good while last night and even though he has been through the wringer lately he seems in good spirits.

Tex - you are the coolest dude ever!!

 

[willis williams]

You are cool to smile it's the crazy camera this is our life on drugs and PTSD.

 

[sisu]

I am going to quit calling him my ex-BF and start calling him my friend. We talk almost daily and he is still very open about his thoughts. More open then he ever has been before. Maybe this friendship thing is just what we needed. I think before he was trying so hard to hide his ptsd symptoms to try to be the person he thought I deserved. When he came over to my house last week he made a statement .... he said, I'm sorry that I'm not good enough for you". I said, "please don't say that anymore". He said, "ok". I hate that he thinks that way. If only he could see the good in himself instead of focusing on his faults. Hell, we all have faults...ptsd or not.

Regardless, he is one of my best friends and I trust him enough to tell him anything and know I will never be judged. And he knows the same thing about me. He is still being very supportive of me and I am so thankful.

 

[willis williams]

Good job. Remember when I wrote about Seren tieing me down became my best friend first. Sometimes we still need a caring shoulder that is not judgemental.