Childhood Learning To Accept That I Don't Like My Mother.

[ghotiff]

In a recent thread it was proposed that for childhood trauma one needs to go through some of the emotions from childhood to get past them.

On reading that I realised that I am doing that now with my mother. Right here in this moment I hate her. I feel guilty about that, but it is how I feel.

When I was growing up she painted her self as perfect in every way. My father (due to his own childhood issues) supported her, and our, belief that she was perfect.

She was not perfect. She was controlling, and emotionally neglectful of me and absolutely horrible (emotionally abusive) to my father.

I don't know where I'm going with this thread. I suppose I'm trying to explore these feelings and allow them to just "be" rather than guilt them away.

 

[Nam]

Yes. I understand. I, as an adult, was mad at my mother on how she treated the child me. This allowed the child me to have a moment to really be mad. The adult me was angry with all the senseless suffering after that. I also said out loud, "I was right." And I was right! I was fighting for my needs to be met, and instead, I was ridiculed and called needy, etc. The only thing that I suggest is that you be angry with the mother that she was not the person she is now (unless the same abuses are happening.).

 

[FindingMyself88]

:hug: I could've written this post myself. I am slowly learning to be okay with my feelings. Trying not to judge them. Your mom sounds narcissist like mine. Everything about her. I think for myself personally I feel guilty because she is my mom and she has provided for me financially. But that doesn't mean I can't grieve and be upset that she could never provide for me emotionally.

 

[Javagoat]

Our mothers should have coffee. Mine was terribly abusive to my father and neglected us. She also exploded into intense rages and emotionally traumatized us in multiple ways. I don't hate her but to say she was a awful mother is a horrific understatement. I recognize that she was sick but I'm mad as hell at the damage she caused. I feel for you.

 

[ghotiff]

The only thing that I suggest is that you be angry with the mother that she was not the person she is now (unless the same abuses are happening.).

Thank you for your insight. I think this is particularly important. For me it's blurred. I "have" to see her regularly and she still acts like she's perfect, she still criticizes me, she still ignores my conversation inputs, and she still treats my father horribly.

Her biggest "failing" was knowing about my sexual abuse and choosing denial so that I continued with that gymnastics teacher being abused for the next 5 years. So...I realise while writing this that she is still in denial...I presume this as it's something that at 10 years old I learnt it was not to be discussed.

 

[FindingMyself88]

Then she is still emotionally abusive. That IS emotional abuse. I live with my mom. Everything is about her. When I attempted suicide, it was about her. When I told her about being raped, she made it about her.

My T says part of healing and moving forward is grieving what we didn't have. Anger is a part of grief.

 

[shimmerz]

My mother was the same. She died long ago. My sister constantly talks about what a saint she was. Not in my opinion. I used a technique of visualization that had me pick up my saber and slashed all attachments to her. I did this for months she was so entrenched. I now use it when I feel 'caught' by her ties to me. It seems to have worked for me but this may be because I don't have to deal with her in real life. I would be interested to hear how others deal with this issue if they still have dealings with the parent in question.

 

[Hope4Now]

Right here in this moment I hate her. I feel guilty about that, but it is how I feel.

We don't need to feel guilty about our feelings. They are ours, and they hurt nobody unless we express them. It's important to come to terms with our complex and often conflicted feelings about our parents and to validate them as real and natural if we are to get to the healing. I'm struggling with this as well.

My parents were abusive to me and to each other. Both narcissists with some other issues piled on top. And, of course, I have major attachment issues. I have felt guilty about my responses to them for as long as I can remember. I used to pray that they would just disappear and leave me alone (but then, of course, I was terrified of that too because I was very little). For many many years, I worked to train these feelings out of me to the extent that I would generally just go cold at the thought of them, and mostly shut down while with them. I'm still conflicted, but am starting to forgive myself for recoiling from my parents. My father is dead, but mother is still in my life and hasn't much changed. Dead or alive, I'm realizing that it is up to me to own up honestly to my feelings about them and work on processing them so I can understand and forgive myself. It's about me now, not them.

I find it very difficult to just sit with feelings without beating myself up for them or numbing out or shutting down etc., but I'm practicing. I'm glad you're exploring yours.

 

[Chava]

Weirdly I don't dislike my mom because I never expected a good connection from her. I don't particularly like her or dislike her. She's not really part of my current life. She was f*cking out of control sometimes. One clear memory is her breaking a door against my back when I was in elementary school. Well, busted the frame out. She broke and shattered our toys then carefully glued them together later when she was calm...that was painful to watch, you know? I felt guilty over her guilt. Like just throw it in the garbage so I don't have this weird glued-together toy to remind me that the situation is sort of f*cked up. She was a hitter and left welts too and it was everyone else who caused her anger, even if I don't remember what I did. I actually think she was semi-dissociated because she does not remember her own childhood or much of mine.

I'm honestly more angry at my dad for being such a wimp and never stepping in. He was not like her. But to gain her acceptance started going to belts and switches to discipline us for stupid things like our arguing (let siblings be siblings). He should have stepped in and been the adult. My mom was not right in the head. In therapy I was encouraged to imagine a different ending to one memory, like someone stepping in and hauling her away. But I couldn't imagine it...that just never happened.

I've had a lot of guilt and shame. But now it's less about these feelings. It does help to just admit our parents weren't perfect...helps rewrite some of our negative beliefs I think. We don't have to like them either. I used to worry so much about my dad killing himself. I was his emotional support and at times I suppose it felt like he was the parent I could feel love or acceptance from, so like my mom I tried to respond to whatever HE needed. I felt VERY guilty having any negative feelings towards him because I felt like he was weak and needed me to totally love and accept him. In recent years I've allowed myself to just be pissed off. I'm willing to admit to myself that I think he's a loser. I can survive without that connection. I don't talk to him much and don't feel responsible for him. I feel very detached from him. I seriously feel like an orphan and my childhood wasn't real. But I think it's part of the process of shedding all the messed up beliefs and roles I've had well into adulthood and just learning how to be myself and take care of myself.

 

[Chava]

Her biggest "failing" was knowing about my sexual abuse and choosing denial so that I continued with that gymnastics teacher being abused for the next 5 years. So...I realise while writing this that she is still in denial

Yep, you can be angry about that.

 

[FindingMyself88]

I'm honestly more angry at my dad for being such a wimp and never stepping in. He was not like her

Same with my stepdad. He would always tell me he was going to stand up to her the next time and never did, leaving me to do it myself. Still does to this day.

I unfortunately live with my mom and stepdad for now. It takes setting up LOTS of boundaries with her. My T is amazed that I have been able to do all the therapeutic work while still living with her.

 

[ghotiff]

Then she is still emotionally abusive. That IS emotional abuse. I live with my mom. Everything is about her

I don't know how you cope and live with her. Last time I spent time with my mother I was violently physically ill that night (and most of the next day). I don't tend to feel much emotion, but it comes out in physical health.

One difficulty I face is they when I've mentioned a little of my feelings in the "real" world I get responses like "no one is perfect" and expectations of forgiveness. Maybe one day I will be able to forgive but I think societies expectation of this has trapped me in not being allowed to feel what I feel.

Still exploring this, it's feels very new to me. I'm very much appreciating the views from all of you.

It's about me now, not them.

This is important! It's been about my mother for 40ish years. I need to learn how to priortise me!