Childhood Learning To Accept That I Don't Like My Mother.

[FindingMyself88]

Its out of priority right now as I try to get back on my feet. Like I said, LOTS of boundaries and lots of ranting to my T.

Forgiving is SO very different from forgetting and trusting again. I am learning to accept that my mom is incapable of being a nurturing mother. But it doesn't mean I have to trust her again- that would be setting myself up for heart break.

Only YOU know what your mom has done, not the world. Yes, no one is perfect. But there is a difference between making mistakes & and owning them versus deliberately (or not maybe) hurting someone and not owning up to it. Or being told they need help and don't seek it.

I think it also comes down to the "bruises" aren't visible. The abuse was internal, not external. People wouldn't dare tell you to put up with being physically beaten. But words? hmmm, for some reason people look at those differently unless they've been there, done that.

 

[Hope4Now]

Last time I spent time with my mother I was violently physically ill that night (and most of the next day). I don't tend to feel much emotion, but it comes out in physical health.

I've had the same. Lots of my emotions come out in physical issues. I've had several episodes of vomiting after being out with my mother.

I've learned that although I forgive fairly easily (I truly understand that my parents were/are pretty ill), forgiveness does not take the place of processing trauma (which I have not yet done). My feelings about my parents are but one facet of all the trauma. Am hoping that being able to sit with those feelings about them, as well as the more difficult feelings about myself, (and without hating myself for it) will take me closer to processing some of the traumas.

 

[ghotiff]

As I write in this thread I am becoming more and more aware of the message I received of "protect mum at all costs". I'm extremely frightened of being discovered here. I'm extremely guilty of my feelings.

What's interesting is that if I wrote this about my dad I would not be at all concerned. I was raised that dad is usually wrong and that he is full of flaws. My poor dad. He had these messages of inadequacy from childhood, then he married them. While I can see how much it hurts him, he does not have the skills to protect himself or even seen himself of worthy of that protection. It's heartbreaking to watch. I wish I could rescue him somehow, but it's too ingrained for me to be able to much.

 

[Eleanor]

No abuse in my childhood, but severe emotional neglect. My mom ... One of her (adult) friends once said to me "You are so lucky she is your mom." I was old enough I did not make a face. Someone years earlier had said to me, "Your mother is such a nice person." To which I immediately replied, "Sure, to everyone but me." She never seemed so nice to me. Because of this it took me years (until... what two three years ago? I was on here by then) to realize how AWFUL she is to my dad. And how terribly she damaged my brothers.

Now that I'm an adult she is ok. It is an oddly... limited... relationship tho. It took a long time for me to discover I didn't have to slide back into "passive" when I went to visit. Now I just do my own thing... and it is fine. Of COURSE it is fine. Everything in my mother's world is.

The only good thing is that when my ex husband imagined I was having an affair and emailed my mom and dad and brothers to tell them about it, I didn't actually worry about it at all. The reason? It is an unpleasant topic. If I didn't bring it up, no one else would either. And if no one said anything about it for a while... it would just... poof! disappear. No muss. No fuss. And so it has. No one has ever said even a hint of a word. Not a raised eyebrow. Nothing. This is a terribly expensive privilege. But on one occasion it worked for me.

 

[Hope4Now]

This is a terribly expensive privilege.

Yes. Terribly. Expensive. Not sure about "privilege."

severe emotional neglect.

Indifference and denial can be as bad as or worse than other kinds of abuse. And it is abuse. And the worst of it is that nobody knew it...

Oh, how I resonate with the pain and alienation and loneliness of having people say, "You're so lucky to have your parents" or "You ought to be grateful for all they've done for you," etc., which makes you doubt the validity of your own experience.

 

[ghotiff]

Oh, how I resonate with the pain and alienation and loneliness of having people say, "You're so lucky to have your parents" or "You ought to be grateful for all they've done for you," etc., which makes you doubt the validity of your own experience.

Yes, that's it exactly. These types of comments just make me worry that I'm wrong eg reading too much into things.

And then I worry that I'm doing the same type of things to my kids. My T tells me I'm not, but my mother has no idea of what she has done to me. She thinks she was a great/perfect parent. I fear being that clueless about myself .. It really scares me.

 

[ghotiff]

the "bruises" aren't visible

Sometimes I have thoughts that I wish these bruises were visible. It's like I want to shout to the world "see what she has done!"

One of my issues is emotional abandonment. I'm starting to see the connections. My mother was a very involved parent in that she was on school committees and all those things, but she was never there for my emotional needs. I was hurting so much during those five years, but I always knew it was my problem and I had to manage it myself.

My parents quote when I was 10years and they knew, as they sent me to his house was "keep yourself safe" - it was all up to me to manage it and hide it and never let anyone see that I was suffering.

I realise I am repeating myself with that above paragraph. I don't know what that means, it's not something I do in the real world.

 

[FindingMyself88]

Ghotiff let me tell you what my T tells me. You are getting the help you need, you are doing the hard work of healing and processing the junk that was done to you. It takes a certain amount of looking inside to do that. The problem is when people don't do the work, don't face the tough stuff.

I told my T that if I ever became like my mom I would kill myself, plan and simple. She said I wouldn't, because I was doing what needed to be done. She also told me if anything, I have conditioned myself to become the complete opposite of my mom. In some ways it is not a good thing because it's from one extreme to the other. For instance, my mom speaks what is on her mind, not caring who she might hurt in the process. After all, its about her- no one else. Me, I will hide my feelings and suffer just so no one else is hurt.

The fact that you worry about the way you are is a good clue that you are not clueless.

 

[FindingMyself88]

. I was hurting so much during those five years, but I always knew it was my problem and I had to manage it myself.

You had to be a parent to yourself. It wasn't fair nor was it right. They SHOULD have protected you. They SHOULD have reported the creep. They SHOULD have held you tight and told you it would be okay.

I get that. To be honest I would rather deal with the physical abuse all over again compared to the emotional abuse my mom still pulls on me. The invisible wounds are so much deeper and painful.

 

[Hope4Now]

I'm wrong eg reading too much into things

Me too. But we need to learn to trust our own feelings. They are ours. We don't have to believe what others say.

my mother has no idea of what she has done to me

Mine doesn't either. She says I've brought everything on myself by being too sensitive and serious and thinking too much. I get scared about my kids too. But if anything, they'll be in therapy (lol, they ARE!) for different things. We can only be aware of how we're interacting with our kids and do the best we can to ask for what they need and give them what they need and respect them as individuals separate from us and love, love, love them. That's all we can do.

Sometimes I have thoughts that I wish these bruises were visible. It's like I want to shout to the world "see what she has done!"

I used to wish for that so that someone would have helped me. Believed that only physical hurts were legitimate reasons for help. Probably why I have chronic pain now. LOL with bitterness.

 

[Chava]

One of my issues is emotional abandonment.

This can be terrible.

 

[sun seeker]

Wow. @Eleanor, did you grow up in my house and I didn't notice?

I tried several times to participate in this thread, and found I couldn't. I even tried starting a different thread talking about why I couldn't, but found I couldn't post that, either. I have such powerful feelings about how I have to be loyal to my family that expressing or even thinking anything else about them is very very hard. I want to say so much, but I'm nauseous and very dissociated trying to go there. Sorry.