Learning To Set Boundaries

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I usually don't even think, I just do. If there's a family gathering, I just go to it. However, a year ago I realized that wasn't really in my best interest. When I was inpatient recently, I began to explore the idea that it's possible to say no. There's a family gathering coming up and I have appointments already scheduled for that day. I could change on of them. However, we would have a 2 hour car ride there and then again on the way back. We'd be in a house that isn't young children-friendly any more. And it apparently brings up memories from the past. My husband doesn't want to go because it's vacation week and school vacation is shorter than usual so he'd rather just stay home. It seems like the obvious choice here is to not go. Yet, so much of me is screaming out- we have to go, it's expected of us, we haven't missed one before...

This is the kind of boundary I want to work on setting and I have the ready made excuse of appointments on that day. Yet it is still so hard to actually take the step and say we can't make it. Anyone have an reassurance or experience they want to share?

 

[Deleted member 541]

You really don't need an excuse. You just say, thank you but I have appointments that day and can't make it. End of conversation!!!, if they start to argue, tell them you have to go cook dinner. People....... NO, is a complete sentence!!!!!!!

It also gets easier after the first time....

 

[desiderata310]

Can I try changing the focus?

What would YOU like to do for Christmas? That is to say, if you could create, for you and your children, the ideal day that your children would remember, what would you want it to look like?
Lots of baking? special holiday movies? Family hiking? Last minute shopping with the kids for something for daddy?

Kind of get that in your mind. Got it? Can you make a loose schedule based off of that (VERY loose because let's be real for a second, you want this to be fun for you and the fam) and set about doing just that. In other words, make the holiday that you would have wanted to have when you were a kid. Let yourself feel a tiny bit bad (like a kid who knows that they are going for a cookie but also know they aren't going to get caught because no one is home) and just have as much fun as you possibly can.
ETA.. I don't want you to feel "BAD" I want you to feel deliciously wonderful because you are doing something you never get to do.

 

[desiderata310]

Also if you want you can say that you want to make your own traditions this year and you're staying home to do that. That one is understanbly harder to do but essentially that's what you're doing, creating a new routine to overwrite the old one

 

[VioletButterfly]

People....... NO, is a complete sentence!!!!!!!

It also gets easier after the first time....

I agree, 100%! It's take a lot of positive self-talk and practice, but it does get easier as it changes your perspective around from focusing on pleasing others to taking care of yourself.

 

[scout86]

It DOES get easier. It's also kind of exhilarating, when you realized you've done it and lived! :D

 

[RavenGirl]

I agree with everyone. it's not only ok to say no, sometimes it's needed as a type of "therapy ":tup::). Since I said no to going to my family's Christmas 3 years ago I have never felt better, and have never gone back!! :D:tup: My mental health is so much more important than trying to make them happy. Oh and my husband and boys were ecstatic when I made that choice too. We now go to the movies on Christmas Eve then to their other side (dads side) for Christmas Day. :hug::hug:

 

[ladee]

Just because you are feeling some anxiety about saying no does not mean the anxiety makes the choice for you.
YOU do! And it sounds like y'all would have so much fun and like was said...start your own traditions.
It gets easier every time you say NO. Gotta start somewhere...now sounds perfect!
A whole lot of people here have learned to say NO. Made me laugh when @scout86 said...and we lived!.yes we did
Hope this is your new beginning. We're supporting you!

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Thanks everyone for the support and encouragement. I actually had the assignment of skipping groups (without totally disrupting treatment) when I was inpatient recently- so I could get practice with saying no and sitting with anxiety. It was a tiny bit easier since my therapist gave me permission to, but the catch was she didn't tell anyone. It was hard.

This particular gathering will be after Christmas and I do have appointments and probably most people will miss up but not make a big deal about it. I will though- rumination and feeling wrong, but I do have to start setting limits.

We are definitely creating our own traditions with our children for Christmas day. It does involve some family members, but not the whole extended family crew and it is on our terms. It's the extra stuff that I don't have practice at saying no about.

It DOES get easier. It's also kind of exhilarating, when you realized you've done it and lived!

I love that- when you realize you've done it and lived! That is such an important thing to reflect on after the fact!

 

[Enaila]

It is empowering and more relaxing when you decide what would be in the best interest of your family. Having a relaxing time will leave better memories than remembering the long ride there and then probably rehashing whatever was stressful on the way home. I know the first time I said "No," was hard, but the other person didn't take it wrong and I survived not being part of "their" fun. Do what will be the most meaningful for your family...they don't like being around a stressed person either and kids pick up on those things quickly.

 

[Freedomfighter]

I usually don't even think, I just do. If there's a family gathering, I just go to it. H...

That is a good idea, I need to work on that too, have a friendly demeaner that abusers love to misuse for their own sick intentions. I want to be safer by recognizing bad people and by learning how to qicker identify bad people, I am not so good at that.