Learning to tame the inner critic with cptsd.

[Red Feather]

Feeling her love and empathy made the floodgates open for me, and I was able to cry tears, which had not flowed in a very long time, but were always close tot he surface...just wouldn't come out. It worried me for a long time, so after I was able to cry for a while, I felt this sense of self-compassion that felt real to me, and I was so grateful for that even though it sort of felt a bit alien to me at first.

Dear Philippa, I want to thank your for what you write here. I couldn't read through all of the article... (concentration difficulties) but I have had experience trying to combat my inner critic. I once had a coach and she called my attention to this aspect of me. I think I am mostly not aware of my own critic, all I know is that there is a force inside me who finds me despicable and worthless. And I always feel cursed by it.

When you write about this floodgate, I experience this when somebody truly feels that empathy and love for this part in me, I start crying and get connected with myself. It's beautiful somehow but always very short. I had it once just before I ended up in the hospital. Sometimes I think I am releasing negative energy that way, but often I see that the patterns come right back again.

But a friend said that I am not going in circles, it is more like I am moving in a spiral pattern and that things are always getting better. I hope so at least.

 

[Tinyflame]

My Inner Critical is horrific!

 

[Philippa]

It absolutly terrifies me.

It is scary stuff, but most things that involve growth and healing involve a certain element of scariness, because you are changing something that has been the norm for most of your life, and the mind doesn't like change of any kind...neither does the inner critic like to let go of the grip it's had over us.

I like what Garblefraz said though about it being a part of us that only wants to protect us, so in that sense, it doesn't need to be viewed as the enemy. That makes it easier to see it in a better light and to feel empowered to work with it and have the power now as adults, to talk to it and give it it's proper perspective.

I also appreciated the self pity column, thank you for sharing that. Feeling bad about feeling sorry for myself is definetly one of the things I face.

It can really hold things back I think in the healing process. How can we access that inner healing if we are culturally shamed into denying our right to grieve for what has happened to us? If I were to see a child being abused I would feel sorry for that child, so why should I be denied the same right to sorrow for my own experiences. Why should any of us?

I always think that if that is our natural urge that is going on inside us, it is wrong to try and suppress that, or hold it in contempt for existing. It's there for a reason, and every emotion has some sort of wisdom and lesson for us, if we allow it to have expression.

Do we ever get past this?

I honestly don't know...but I think it's an ongoing process. Everything in life has to adapt to some change at different times so I think as long as we are continually growing and learning more about ourselves and gaining insight, and crying, and feeling, then progress is being made.

We won't ever be the way we were, but we can move through these experiences, integrate them, and become someone new, and possibly improved in some ways. PTSD has helped me become more compassionate I think. The world needs more people like that.

 

[Philippa]

My Inner Critical is horrific!

I know.

I would never speak to anyone the way my critic speaks to me. Most of us wouldn't.

 

[Philippa]

Dear Philippa, I want to thank your for what you write here. I couldn't read through all of the article... (concentration difficulties) but I have had experience trying to combat my inner critic.

I had the same difficulty Nadia, don't worry. Just go at your own pace, and it's there for whenever you want to read more another time. You don't have to take it all in right now.

I still haven't read it all the way through, I just scrolled down to the bottom and took in the tools he offered as affirming that I can see things in a new way and not put up with bullying externally or internally.

It reminded me of a recent incident where I was able to put it all in perspective, and tell a person who accused me of "ALWAYS" being a certain way in posts I made, that she made a grossly inaccurate exaggeration of my tendency to be defensive, and I took on no blame or shame from what she threw at me.

Reading his suggestions made me feel great that I had already started to take action in these ways.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes Philippa, mine got to the point it wouldn't stop short of my demise. :(

You are so wise, you are right! :)
And am sure I will relate to the next article- even calling in to work sick when I am sick gives me horrible SI, ugh. :rolleyes:
(I think that's where it comes into play to tell your IC to 'Frigg Off!" )

xox, Hugs, Thank you so much. :)

 

[Philippa]

You sound so joyful in your text Junebug.

I'm so happy this has resonated with you, and I think you are right, that maybe you are just 'ready' now, and you weren't back then...and that's perfectly ok. Everything happens in it's own perfect time, and with individuals, it's important to listen to where you are at and accept that.

I think it sounds like you are about to start making some real progress in this area.

That's very exciting...though I'm sure it must feel really scary for you as well.

 

[Philippa]

You are so wise, you are right! :)

I hope it isn't too far off when you can also see that you are also wise junebug. If you see it in me it's because it's in you as well. We are all reflections of each other.

xox, Hugs, Thank you so much. :)

You are very welcome. ((Hugs))

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Thank you, (((Philippa))) for posting about this. My inner critic is truly my worst enemy, and I would NEVER treat anyone as badly as I can treat, or attack myself. I find it is still my habit to doubt, or assume that I am inherently bad or 'wrong'. You, along with another wise person on the forum, have helped me pinpoint what I need to address in therapy. I appreciate your desire to share your knowledge and experience.

Have a blessed day!

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes Philippa- joyful and scary! Exactly the right words!

Hee- only wise enough to recognize and be so thankful for your direction and help.

If I could give you the Biggest 3D Bear Hug I would, you are an Angel! > :) <
Xox!! :)

 

[Bubba]

I'm dealing with my inner critic right now - in fact it was kinda hard to read that article, although I have great respect for him and ran across his site when I read an article he did on Emotional Neglect and Complex PTSD.

I went to see my parents yesterday, who were both very emotionally neglectful while I was growing up. My mother was extremely critical, which in turn brought out my own inner critic in an effort to gain their love and approval. She dismissed the traumatic events in my life (attempted rape at age 7, 4 major knee surgeries before the age of 16, attempted suicide at age 14). So I had to learn to try to soothe myself, which ended up me bringing out my inner critic and never feeling like anything I did was good enough.

I had my two children by the age of 22 because I was looking to bring someone in my life that I could receive unconditional love from - and today they are the joys of my life. We are so close and they are such good kids - even my parents can't deny that I have done well with them.

Anyway, I am now separated from my husband who is a control freak - although also a loving man. He does use words that can be extremely hurtful. We've always laughed that in one fell swoop he could bring you down and then lift you up without you even realizing what was happening. He's a dynamic guy and a total salesman. Well, when he got sick while withdrawing from prescription meds, I couldn't handle it. He become completely clingy and felt that I was extremely cold and detached. His withdrawal threw me into full PTSD. Today he feels that I've abandoned him - again it's all my fault.

So yesterday I visited with my parents (I've learned not to expect much from him) and I was thoroughly surprised when my mother felt I was doing the right thing by separating. She told me she always felt he was too controlling. For once I am doing something right. But that something right has a bittersweet taste to it as he tells me how wrong I am for what I have done. My inner critic flares up and keeps telling me that I just can't seem to do anything right. I hate to hurt people - I hate to cause them pain. I'd rather take on their pain and take the blame for it.

So I am struggling with this inner critic - trying to figure out what is truly right. He throws God at me all the time and how wrong it is for a woman to leave her husband. But when I look at how quickly I was able to leave - how everything just fell into place - how blessed I was with 5 men from church that helped me move - couldn't that be God telling me that I am doing the right thing for me? It's so hard not to take on his pain, but I also know that his pain will swallow me whole as I can barely manage my own pain.

So inner critic - I need hold you at bay - I need you to stop making me feel guilty. I pray that will go to sleep and never rise again or if you do that I will have the strength to tell you that you are wrong. That I am good and that I deserve happiness even if it does cause others pain.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

What I have learned: When trying to reign in my inner critic, I visualize a STOP sign. I then choose a good memory, or a time when I was happy, and try to bring that memory more into focus. It is NOT easy, and takes a lot of practice.

Catching, and stopping the knee jerk reaction to 'awful-ize' the things that bother me, has been vital in in my healing process. My T suggested that I "observe" my emotions while I am having them. At first I thought it wasn't possible, but it is. It helps me to mentally step back, and break down what I'm feeling instead of lumping all my emotions into one heap of anger. Anger is my biggest trigger.

Frustration, disappointment, sadness, or fear can all feel like anger at times and it helps if I can identify which emotion I am feeling. Obviously, it is more than difficult to stay 'in the moment', and examine what I am feeling, while I'm in 'full-blown' panic. Learning how to look at all my emotions a little more objectively has helped tremendously. It doesn't always work, but it's just one of the tools in my mental arsenal.