Learning to tame the inner critic with cptsd.

[QuietLight]

I love this thread! I don't know what else to say....but I love it!

 

[rowean]

I am trying to work on this specific thing. It is really hard. I first went into therapy and was diagnosed right at the end of grad school when defending my diss. The reality of being judged and the fear of failure combined with the internal sense of just not being truly good enough set off a cascade of events that ended with me in therapy (and happily with a pass on my diss and my graduate degree in hand). I now am facing tenure, which is another evaluation process that if I fail at it means loss of job and a real challenge to getting another one, especially in this economy. Everyone tells me I will be fine. I can't believe it until I have the paper in hand the stuff really hits the fan starting this month as I begin the final prep of putting my letters and support material together while trying to get a few last things written and published.

And now is the time that I am falling right back into fully triggered mode, flashbacks, nightmares, dissasociation, and a very vocal inner critic. Timing is everything isn't it.

I try to think in terms of positives but keep finding myself in the land of negatives. And my support structure is invisible or absent because my husband is in his own negative space and I can't deal with his issues on top of mine.

One day at a time is all I can face right now and honestly, I am barely able to do that most days. But I have to keep putting on the front or really bad reality based things like losing my job will happen. I have a year of this ahead of me and getting lost in the mental quagmire of anxiety and depression is not an option. So I am fighting as hard as I can right now, but feel like I am doing the whole one step forward two steps back routine.

And I can't get that inner voice to shut up.

 

[Philippa]

I am trying to work on this specific thing. It is really hard.

It sure isn't easy, but I recall a saying that states nothing worthwhile ever is. It doesn't help much, but I guess it does affirm that it is a worthwhile thing to work on...even if it is really hard.

And now is the time that I am falling right back into fully triggered mode, flashbacks, nightmares, dissasociation, and a very vocal inner critic. Timing is everything isn't it.

I've noticed similar things with me, which is why I started this thread I suppose...to try and get to the crux of it, and get an idea of how many people out there are struggling with the same thing.

I try to think in terms of positives but keep finding myself in the land of negatives. And my support structure is invisible or absent because my husband is in his own negative space and I can't deal with his issues on top of mine.

I say just allow the negs to be there. We have both in us, and while it's good to stay positive, there is no reason to discount the neg stuff and let yourself be human. Humans tend to have a hard time leaving the neg behind, and the external world does a great job in making sure we don't leave it behind.

I find cutting out things that fill me with negativity has been a great way of at least lessening it...like the news for one thing. Maybe try a 1 month no news diet, and see how things shift or not for you...you can always go back to it if you notice no change.

It makes it doubly hard when your husband is in the same space. Not much chance of being able to be lifted up when someone around you is also down.

One day at a time is all I can face right now

I don't think that's an unrealistic way to live though. One day at a time sounds pretty reasonable to me.

And I can't get that inner voice to shut up.

I might try speaking to it gently, and saying that whilst I appreciate what it did to help me in the past, I am able to find new ways of protecting myself now that I'm an adult...but that it is welcome to offer constructive feedback...I just don't want anymore of the purely destructive criticism.

That way you are still giving it a sense of importance but also taking charge of what you actually want and don't want.

 

[freakofnurture]

My Inner Critic - or should I call him Inner Devastator right now? - has been having a party for the past three days. I can't concentrate on anything because the negative self-talk is so intrusive. It isn't even really self-talk; it's more like a slide show of things that are bad, that I did wrong, that are shameful, humiliating, stuff I failed at, stuff that I might fail at soon. I'm seriously starting to feel terrorised by my own brain.

For now I'm trying mindless distraction but the thoughts are never quite blocked out; I can feel them squirm right below the threshold of my consciousness.

It sucks.

 

[Philippa]

Sorry to hear Freak o nurture. That's no fun at all.

Maybe it feels threatened that you will beat it, from all the talk this thread has generated?

 

[Philippa]

I just wanted to thank everyone who did participate in this thread, for all their input. It has been great to see some of you respond honestly, and also the excitement and sense of hope or positivity that article brought out, generally.

I think we can all beat this. It might take a very long time, and we might never get to a point where it is completely under our thumb, but I think it is doable and I love how determined people here are to overcome this.

You should all be really proud of yourselves for tackling it, one day at a time, and my hope is that we all get better at giving ourselves that praise and recognition, on a daily basis for whatever tiny bit of progress is made.

It's big work here, so any little step you take is not going to go unnoticed, unless you yourself don't acknowledge it.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Philippa, it's you that deserves the Thanks, xox, for posting and your recognition of all that strikes a chord. Or 'fits'. :inlove:

You are so positive! :)
((((Philippa))))

I had one strange thing happen today- at least 'strange' as in infrequent- thought of a memory of something that happened in childhood. Not a FB exactly, and certainly a concrete memory. But it wasn't upsetting, only thing that I thought of was, "Oh ya, I forgot about 'that' (happening). (And), I guess that's why they say you have to deal with the past."

Funny thing is- even a short time later I couldn't remember the memory at all! Still can't. Ha, "PTSD". :oops::rolleyes:
(I think it was state-dependent perhaps to my emotions, though I felt calm).

Needless to say, the beauty was I didn't feel badly, either, nor was it a FB. I think that's because of learning this much. The IC got silenced, one way or another. :)
((((((More Hugs)))))