Leaving Your History Behind?

[aev3]

Recently I've had a lot of transitions going on - I finally moved out of my mother's house, so I'm once again out from the house where so much of the abuse happened. As you all know, we with PTSD have a way of going numb while we're in the danger zone, and it's only when we're somewhat safe that all of the trauma and fear starts coming to the surface, so recently it feels like all sorts of things from my history are coming to the forefront. Combined with some serious family drama, I've been feeling like all I have in me is my history. All I can think about, the only way I know how to define myself is by what's happened for me. But in reality, that's not truly all there is, right?

I moved into a cute little apartment in a nice neighborhood where I can walk to this beautiful downtown area, which I've been doing in the afternoons after work. I just graduated with honors after 7 years of working to finish my Bachelor's degree. I have a job I love, where the people are kind and the environment is relaxed. I volunteer with a lot of empathetic, thoughtful people at a crisis center. I have an amazing group of friends, a writing group and a gaming group that meet up regularly, and so, so many people who love me. Recently, my best friend and I transitioned from an intimate friendship to more-than-friendship, and things are so absolutely wonderful. It's a kind and supportive partnership, and while he knows about my history and we talk about it regularly, he doesn't define me by it. If I look at my life, and what it looks like now, it's so freaking beautiful.

And yet all I can see is my history. It's such a shame - I would give anything to let it go, but I don't know how to be anything other than the trauma survivor. I don't know how to find peace in the peacefulness. I feel comfortable in conflict - but that's not what I want anymore. I've spent so long surviving that I don't even have the slightest idea how to live. It's like my brain is so stuck in the past that I don't know how to look toward the future.

Does anyone else have that experience? And if so, do you have any tips? I honestly feel so privileged to have so much beauty in my life after so many years of sadistic abuse and violence, and I want to be able to trust and cherish it, not run away from feeling good.

 

[Dana1010]

Well, you may have alienated a few people with this:

If I look at my life, and what it looks like now, it's so freaking beautiful.

:roflmao: But, I think we can all relate to the gist of your post. In a lot of ways my circumstances are much, much better than they were five years ago, ten years ago. And it's disappointing that I can't enjoy the improvements more because I'm living in the past. I just wish I could be someone else frankly. I feel like I've been in this body for a thousand years. Enough already. I want to forget the horrible faces of all the people who've wronged me. I don't really understand why I can't just choose to forget. Sometimes I feel fear that if I forget, it's like I'm living a lie or a con, and my enemies are going to catch up to me and out me.

 

[deer_in_headlights]

Hi aev3,

I am so happy that you are safe!

I think what you're feeling is normal. Now that you're safe, it is also safe for the distress, memories, fears... to surface.
Before, you were in survival and endurance modes. Now that you're safe, it's a good time to flush the bad from your system.

Are you currently in therapy?
This could be a good time to work on releasing some of the crud you've had to set aside.
Somatic Experiencing might be very helpful.

This is so wonderful that so much good is in your life. You truly deserve every bit of the good, and none of the evil you've had to endure in the past. I hope you can enjoy it soon!

 

[Friday]

And yet all I can see is my history. It's such a shame - I would give anything to let it go, but I don't know how to be anything other than the trauma survivor. I don't know how to find peace in the peacefulness. I feel comfortable in conflict - but that's not what I want anymore. I've spent so long surviving that I don't even have the slightest idea how to live. It's like my brain is so stuck in the past that I don't know how to look toward the future.

Does anyone else have that experience? And if so, do you have any tips? I honestly feel so privileged to have so much beauty in my life after so many years of sadistic abuse and violence, and I want to be able to trust and cherish it, not run away from feeling good.

It's been a long time since I was there. But, yes. I remember stopping one day, and looking up, and I had everything I never wanted... And I'd never been happier.

When I first left my old life... It didn't matter how perfect I may have looked to others. I wanted to be back in the gravel, exhausted, with my fingers bleeding, and sweat coating dust, and... Just, exceptionally different. I was good in conflict. In chaos. It's what I knew. It's what I could laugh at, and be myself in, and handle. No matter how bad it got I never felt the kind of despair I felt in leaving it.

I built a new life. It was painful, and hard, and not at all what I wanted. Until that day when I looked up... And realized I was happy.

Looking back... Part of that happiness was that the chaos had crept back in. Just not in unhealthy ways. I had added things to my new life that might (did) look odd to the outside eye, but they made me happy. A 1,000 little things, added up over time.

I've lost all that recently, and I'm floundering again. I'm trying to remember that it took a long time to build the first time, but the pain is hard to deal with. Starting over is rarely easy.

 

[shimmerz]

I have been trying for the last little bit to try to 'forget' for 60 seconds at a time. For 60 seconds of my life, what would I do if I 'didn't have PTSD'? Would I smile? Would I laugh? Would I think about how 'this' affects that? Or would I just buy a green juice, say, sip on it and try to guess what veggies are in it? Appreciate the colour of it? Look at the people around me or smile at the person making the juice for me? Wonder what it would be like making green juices all day? Think about how I could juice for myself? Imagine how I would feel if I juiced all the time? Or part of the time? How much energy I would have.

I am guessing all of that would have taken 60 seconds of cognitive slicing. That is a victorious moment.

Sounds like you have a ton of things that you could dream of. Imagine. Work towards. Best of luck to you my friend. It sounds like you are on your way out..... Enjoy it. :hug:

 

[Changing4Best]

I think a person's past creates their future a lot, without a concerted effort to break out of the mold or pattern set.

I have a strange thing about my past. My husband did not want me to work outside the home when I could have been able to quite easily get a job. His reason was that he made so much money that we would just fall into a higher tax bracket and thus pay more in taxes than we already did. I never questioned this, staying at home, reading and doing other hobbies. He also did not believe in life insurance. So no money was ever put away for the future. He was in change of the money in our family, so I never questioned any of this.

Now that I am a widow and in my 60s, I am no longer able to get a job. I am disabled as well. However, I regret that fact that I was not given this opportunity, to put some money away for my retirement or something, as I live below poverty level now on Social Security Disability. (A government pension for disabled persons).

My PTSD is part of my Disability case, of course, too, as are some physical disabilities and a birth defect. Still, given the right circumstances, I could have done some kind of job! I feel cheated. And there is no turning back of course. The course of my life is set in stone now.

I cannot believe how naïve I was. How I just simply agreed with all of this back then. I had, had a domineering father and brutal grandfather, so I never was allowed to question their decisions when I was a child. This attitude on my part carried forward into adulthood. How I wish some part of me had been able to protest all this back then, but wishing won't change a bit of my present circumstances. Not that I can see anyway.

 

[aev3]

Hi all, I wanted to write an update on the post above. First, thank you all so, so much for your kind words, and for sharing your struggles with me - I really appreciate it, and I wish you all healing & meaning & peace.

I think that the feeling of happiness triggered too much fear in me, because since the date of this post, I fell into an intense spiral and tried to take my own life. It's been a rough fall, and I'm having a really hard time getting back on my feet. I spent last weekend in the ER, and a lot of my closest relationships have really taken a hit from all the stress. I don't think any of them have truly seen how deep our suffering goes; it's agony living like this, with all this history inside us. I can't imagine what it's like for them, those who aren't used to carrying all this pain around, to try to carry the burden for someone else.

So yeah. That's where I am. I want to believe that maybe I could really be happy - thank you for sharing your stories of happiness. It helps to know that there's hope. Right now, I'm trying to recharge, find something in myself that's got enough fire to do battle against my demons again. It feels like a constant fight sometimes, and I just get so tired of fighting.

But I keep trying to look bigger. That's the best any of us can do, right?

My prayers are with all of us. Namaste, all. <3

 

[shimmerz]

I fell into an intense spiral and tried to take my own life. It's been a rough fall,

I am really sorry this happened to you but also wanted to remind you that you 'got there'! You experienced happy! The road to recovery is full of peaks and valleys, and when your peaks are getting - well - peak-ier, than I would say there is room to rejoice there.

You did really well, and then you fell hard. I hope you can focus more on the happiness you felt and don't let your fall scare you off of getting yourself back up there again.

Lots of hugs to you @aev3 .

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Try to cut yourself some slack and try not be so hard on yourself. You deserve a good life that you will feel good in. It is a journey to get there and I am so sad you tried to take your own life.

For me I get sick and tired of being sick and tired and hit bottom and that motivates real changes for the better. It does get better.

I remember when I was where you are now and I was so impatient to heal. Now I realize there is no cure but more about managing symptoms and finding a good balance. You are not your history and I realize the way you currently feel really sucks. I just want to encourage you to put one foot in front of the other because it does get better as you deal with everything you need to deal with.

My heart goes out to you. It does get better on the journey. Try to take baby steps and go slow.