Letting Go Of Repressed Feelings

[Thinkingman85]

I know that therapy is effective in helping one let go of repressed feelings. Other than that, are there any other ways of doing this at home? I have delved into meditation and binaural beats. In the book "Forgiveness: How to Make Peace With Your Past and Move on With Your Life", the author explains that thoughts and feelings are repressed because the brain couldn't handle them if they weren't. I agree with this. However, I want to know what's brewing beneath the surface. There's always an annoying pressure like my emotions have to be released in order for me to be better. I honestly believe that if these repressed thoughts were resolved, I could think clearly.

 

[mamachick]

Are you talking about repressed feelings or repressed memories? My understanding about repressed feelings is that they do create and pattern of behaviors that are easier to change once the repressed feelings are released. However, even in therapy there must be a willingness to understand the emotions that cause the anger on the surface for example. Once discovered that the underlying emotion is hurt, fear, jelousy,, etc., then the therapist can assist with processing those feelings so that the client can at least accept, but ideally forgive. Clearly there are things that are unforgivable.

I think we have to want something so bad that we are willing to give up something else for that gain. There is always a trade off. We cannot have hate in our heart for one person and express genuine love for others. In a book by Mary Ann Williamson, she states that love and fear cannot share the same space. Of course those of us with ptsd have many fears. Letting go of those fears are so difficult. She states that every thought and action comes from fear or from love. So I ask myself regularly, am I doing this out of love or out of fear.

I have been having hate for a person for several years. I do not want revenge but I still hate him. I have fantacized about revenge but STOP that thought promptly because it is not healthy. Even so, that hate has overflowed to other relationships in my life, including the relationship with myself, which has led to self destructive behavior and my feeling stuck. So when I think about what has happened to me, which is everyday of my life, instead of being angry as hell, I have been working on the underlying emotion at home, not in therapy. When the anger hits, I identify the fear, the vulnerablity that I felt, the humiliation, feeling exposed, betrayed. I identify the thoughts that result from the feelings. I write both the feeling and then the thoughts about it in a journal. This process has lightened the anger and put me in more tough with painful feelings, forcing me to feel what I felt at the time of trauma.

After doing this day after day, I have began to ask myself why he did this. This has led me to understand the "little man syndrome" that he suffers more clearly, even to the point that I pity him. I dont like what it has done to me, but I would rather be me than him. I have my own hypothesis about what motivated him (right or wrong), and it is ugliness and evil. I am actually beginning to forgive. Im not there but on a journey that takes a long time if we are honest with ourselves. He will never understand the trauma that he caused in his impulsive manic state, nor would he care. He does not even deserve revenge or anyone entertaining the idea of revenge. He is not worth it.

In therapy, often guidance or a path is created, but the work happens on our own time. So I dont know if this helps any, but I recall your posts about anger and revenge, so I am assuming that you are wanting to discover the underlying emotion to the anger. So maybe when you have the feeling of anger and the thought of revenge, it is a time to sit quietly and allow yourself to "feel" what you felt at the time of trauma. Warning-it can be very painful reliving it. But when you do, you have the opportunity to journal it.

Hope some of this makes sense.

 

[Thinkingman85]

Thanks for the response. I, too, investigate what feelings I am feeling. You said that you are in the process of forgiving the man that treated you unfairly. For me, I had to forgive the abusive people for my own well being. Otherwise, I would have continued to hold onto hate. You're right that living with hate is a hard thing to do.

Basically, my trauma arose because my older brother (a drug addict) always tried telling me that I was "doing it wrong". I had a 4.0 in college but still I was doing it wrong. I made good music but I was doing it wrong. I was talking about politics but I was doing it wrong. For some reason, that "doing it wrong" mantra was internalized. I cut myself off from him because of how much he underappreciated me. That is what hurt. However, he is a piece of garbage. Even after years, I doubt myself because his annoying voice pops saying, "You're doing it wrong." Next, a feeling of anger arises and I want to go and beat him up for having been so inconsiderate. To this day, he still acts like this. I have even told him but he is too stupid to register. The only reason I didn't beat him up was because he is my brother. Still, I ended up damaged. It's sad that something this trivial could be so threatening to my mental health, but it is. Because of my experience with him, it has been hard to trust anyone again.

 

[mamachick]

Thinkingman, I understand. I am sure there is a lot to the verbal abuse from your older brother. He is a drug addict-he is sick. Addicts are sick people and there are many other ways to be emotionally sick that hurts those they may otherwise appreciate, love, and encourage.

I had 4 older sisters, the oldest died when I was 15. The other three are all different that each other ( 1 passive aggressive recovering alcoholic, 1 drama queen and pot stirrer and awful-izer, 1 so emotionally injured and lacks memory-suffers many somatic illnesses-very angry), but what they all have in common is one thing, assuring that I am the scapegoat. None would help with our mothers funeral arrangements but were happy to criticize every detail and blame me, all have unrealistic expectations of me, all try to control my life and are bitter that they cant. So I also have no contact with them. I do keep in mind, they came from the same dysfunction that I did. There are 7-11 years difference and they have had a life of experience. The one 7 yrs older told me that she wished that I was dead from the time I was a toddler til age 8 and a regular if not daily basis. I am the Cinderalla (they are actually half sisters. I was treated poorly by them as well growing up.

When I was a teen, they criticized my failures (not being a good student, marrying an abusive man, being too thin, other physical attributes, my friends who were below their standards, etc.) Later in life, they have criticized my returning to college, getting my masters, living in an up scale neighborhood (snob), my social circle of educated, healthy and motivated professional friends, my kids success and confidence). They are sicker than I am, much sicker. When we were speaking, they have never supported or encouraged me in anything positive in my life. We were all emotionally neglected and abused, but they think I was less so than them and that they openly resentful. I understand internalizing all of this all too well. I think that during my darkest time in the past few years, I too hear my sisters voice "I wish you were dead" or "I wish you were never born" but it has changed to " I wish I were dead and wish I was never born" and think that my sister was right. But then who would be their scapegoat.

We have cut of communication when I was in my thirties but re-united during death of a family member only to repeat the process. This time it is final for me.

Sounds like your brother is toxic and insecure to say the least. He came from the same environment as you as well. Im not exactly sure how your trauma arose from your brother's behavior toward you but do know that when we are treated this way within our family we often allow it in other parts of our lives as adults. You have the choice to live by choice or live by chance. It sounds like you have many good things going for you (intellegence, deeper thinking and ability to see full picture, talents such as music, many interests, etc) You do not need your brothers approval and will likely never get it. I am saying that from experience. I am 54 and wasted time trying. You have made the choice to ex communicate and now your focus is how to get him out of your head, and any other toxic people who are holding you down. Maybe you could snap your wrist with a rubberband everytime that you hear his voice criticizing you.

I am nobody exceptional, I am average intellegence, looks, personality, talents, etc. I discovered many years ago that I had to "leave the pack" to enjoy my life. During these rough times I am saddened that I do not have the family support that could be but is not. I have supported them through many crisis over the years. I have to remind myself that I am lovable and the lack of caring from them is not about me. I was just the one that sought counseling early in life, chose not to dramatize and awfulize, to not see things black and white, to be non judgemental. At the end of the day, it is only I that needs to approve of myself and my behavior. That being said, also during my own crisis, I am sure that their attitude toward me has been most injurous for me, but I have allowed it.

During a better time, I have learned who I am, what I value, and have lived with integrity. I want that back-so I need them to remain out of my life and any other toxic people.

Of course I dont know what lies beneath your anger, but it sounds like you fear success, hold on to self doubt that your brother has instilled or strongly contributed to, and have a need to be right. (poor memory but think you said you were neglected as child) -that can leave us feeling not good enough so when one person points that out regularly, it can create extreme fear that they are right. Some of that may be the ego talking. You have developed a need to defend yourself-I have experienced that with sibling and with others since trauma.

If you dont have a therapist, I would get one. Even if you can only see periodically, it may provide guidance for you to address through self help books, groups, and other resources. Your anger is natural, you have a choice about ruminating about beating him with a bat, or chosing to see the reality of who he is and how unimportant his opinion and words are. You are better than that, and the best proof is how we chose to live.

Best Wishes with this
Brat

 

[Thinkingman85]

Brat17, did you move out of the city where your siblings live? For six years, my brain has given me a nagging feeling that I need to get the hell out of my home city and move on to bigger and better things. This feeling also instills a sense that I'll never be able to succeed here because of the deceptive people and horrible past. It's so weird that I once was comfortable in it, now I suffer in it every day. It is a small city and it seems like it is darwinian in the sense that everyone knows each others' business and they are always trying to do better than the other person. It's like a pathetic drama. I just hate having to do everything on my own. Both of my parents passed away so it's hard having to deal with living alone. I battle a feeling of emptiness. I'd imagine that you feel like you lost a part of yourself because you cut out your half sisters. I tend to feel that way. However, I know that if I tried to reestablish a relationship, very bad things would occur. It might sound sociopathic, but I honestly wouldn't care if he died tomorrow. That sad thing is that I don't know how it ended up getting to this point. I saw a therapist for 12 weeks. It's gotten to a point where it's hard to get involved with anything in my home city.

 

[Thinkingman85]

I think that since I've been rejected by so many people, I've lost trust in my own actions. Instead, I still have a painful imaginary connection with them because I think they might have better judgement than me. The fact is that they rejected me though, so it is a poisonous process.

 

[mamachick]

No I didnt move and only have one sibling here. Three years ago, one of their husband died and she came to live with me. It was not good or healthy. Since then I had t really let go and was a grieving process. I understand the need to get away and start fresh somewhere. Yet there are things and people that I really like and am comfortable with where I am at. So I know the dilemma.

I still genuinely wish my sisters well. I love them very much. I know they have been very injured. I am sorry for that. I also know that you can love and let go at the same time. I understand your feelings too, about not caring. I think the opposite of love is indifference, not hate. As long as there is anger there, we are emotionally invested. I hope that you do find a way to work through this.