Relationship Letting My Husband Go...

[Lady of Longbourn]

Ayesha, what do you mean by it was manipulative? Or her part or on his? No judgement. Just asking because I was a bit confused.

Hers. I could be wrong, I just don't see that as a good ending point.

 

[HelloMo80]

Ayesha, I can see why she got to that point. Hopefully she didn't actually tell him that because if so, that could prove tricky if she goes back on that declaration.

I do agree that final, "dig your heels in" type stances rarely work with issues this complex. There is a lot of emotional grandstanding that can lead one, the other, or both of them to feel manipulated. I suggested that book to help alleviate that type of response; even though it's a quite natural one. We're not dealing with the norm in terms of behavior so we have to be unconventional in our approaches to it. Of that makes sense.

 

[Lost Again]

Hi ladies,

Thanks for taking the time to write and for the constructive advice and information. Ayesha, your right that saying I wouldn't text back was manipulative. I actually didn't text him for many days until my daughter's school performance which I didn't want him to miss just because he forgot. When I did text to remind him, he texted back immediately and ended up showing up. Although I wrote that because I was at my wits end, I think what I was really trying to say was I am no longer going to be there when your crossing my boundaries.

We spent some quality time together the last couple days, but he's still sleeping at his moms. Last night we had plans to watch a movie together at home after barbequing at his moms and we were looking forward to some "just us" time. I went upstairs to change the baby and when I came downstairs I cold tell he was getting ptsd with someone on his phone. Since he was no longer communicating with us, I just packed up the kids, said my goodbyes, and came home and forgot about our date. The breakthrough (hopefully) for me was that I wasn't angry and I didn't wait around, I went home and watched a movie and checked in on him later. I didn't accuse him or want an apology, or try to show him how he's responsible for his own problems.

HelloMo80, I hope I'm not dating your man ;p If so, he's got some explaining to do. Thank you so much for your level headed advice. I'm going to look for this book you mentioned.

I feel great to have more peace in my life even though I wish we could live together again. He keeps saying though that he's now getting used to living alone and is afraid he's going to learn to prefer being alone than with us. Do you all think this is a real danger/possibility?

 

[nursenurse]

Hi Maybe,

Hard to say which way it will go. He could be speaking God's honest truth when he says he may learn to like living alone, or he could be using this as a manipulation tactic. After having lived alone for five years, I can honestly say it is easier (I'm not PTSD). For someone who is constantly on the verge, the benefits of being alone may prove to be greater especially when one does not have to consider someone else 24/7.

So the question for you is, do you want a part time partner, a relationship that seems more "friends with benefits", should he decide that being alone is the best thing for him? Or would it be better in that case to sever anything romantic, and have him involved only in the childrens' lives? Should you decide to remain together in the true sense, remember that it will always be a roller coaster, hopefully with the good outweighing the bad. That all takes work on both sides. I'd say right now, your peace is worth more than anything in the world, and it will also bring a sense of peace to your children. Dad needs to be involved however he can, but you need to provide stability for yourself and your kids above all. Take your time, before deciding to jump back in, if that is the way you want to go.

 

[Sunshine71]

Dear all and Maybe....

My heart as always goes out to you all.

My hubby is this morning finding out if there is any support so he can live on his own.

He says he doesn't want to split up but doing this to save our marriage - to 'regular' people it will seem strange however PTSD sufferers will understand I imagine.

Every morning when he wakes up he looks at me lying in bed and I turn into a trigger.

He wants to wake up on his own and see what difference it makes.

I am so sad. I am just hoping this will help us cope with such a vile, horrible illness.

Sending you you love Maybe and hope things are coming together the best they can for you - Sunshine

 

[Lost Again]

Hi Sunshine and NurseNurse,

Thanks for the replies. Sunshine, I guess we are in the same position; not knowing if living separately will end up being a permanent thing or just a temporary situation. As much as I wish I had a normal marriage, living together right now is a downward spiral and being able to physically separate when he gets unreasonably angry is a relief. I feel I have more control over my environment when he can leave it when he's raging. As well I guess it takes the pressure off him domestically; this way he can provide assistance when he is able but not as an expectation. Before him I was a single mom so I"m used to managing. I also have a chatty chatty chatty almost 6 year old who as much as he loves, he has problems tolerating so for everyone's well being, i guess having separate living arrangements is good. Definitely not what I expected or dreamed for us as a family. But now instead of being bitter and resentful that he's not equally responsible for the house, I consider myself fully responsible for the kids (including safety), the house and my life, and am appreciative of what he can and does provide (he does make a big effort when he can). It's unfair, but this way I have more dignity and feel like a more responsible person. And so far he doesn't see me as a trigger (although I could see that changing one day).

I still love him and he's still my husband. I'm hoping the ptsd gets resolved so that we can resume living together.