Life A Nightmare - Very Overwhelmed And Suicidal

[Abigail]

Hi @Jan 31 I first want to say how incredible it is that you manage to take such good car of yourself, even when you are in such a low place. I really hope you are proud of those "little things" (that I dont consider to be little!) Because they are such important steps to feeling better.

I wish I could tell you what would be the fix-all, what will make life worth living, but im in a similar boat to yours in the respect of barely holding on amongst all of my triggered actions and thoughts. this site may be the only reason I wake up.

I do hope that you have a plan to stay safe. I really want you to live through this darkness and feel the reliefe that must accompant recovery. Im sending you so many warm thoughts.

 

[Pixi23]

@Jan 31 ,
DONT DO IT.
THEY ARE NOT WORTH IT.
YOU CAN DO THIS !!
You already showed amazing strength by getting on here and sharing your story.
Reading it comforted me.
I feel the same way SO OFTEN. I am triggered by SO MANY things...it's like I am slowly cracking.
So I found some glue.
My "glue" :
- Writing.
Write ur heart out. Write fake letters to people that have hurt you. Write letters to your hurting younger self.
- Friends.
It may seem like theyre not there for you. Go out and meet new ones.
- Distraction.
This is KEY. Have you noticed when youre sinking into the trigger and slipping deeper away that you arent really FOCUSING on what ur doing at the time ? Dedicate yourself to THIS moment.
A good friend once said " Just focus on getting through this moment..dont concentrate on the next..just get through this moment and by the time you know it, you got through it ! "
This is tough with triggers.
They are horrible beasts.
But dont let those beasts win.
Use ur anger to fuel POSITIVE production.
Write it out, sing, scream, cry, laugh.
Get it OUT in a productive way.
SHOW THOSE NEGATIVE THOUGHTS WHO IS BOSS !
Be a warrior.
Youve come this far for a reason.
You helped ME tonight.
I'm glad uve stayed.
We all are here for you.
We are struggling right there with you..so when your heart is racing and you feel overhwhelmed and alone, know that I am also battling too.
We will prevail :)

 

[Brimstone]

Hello Jan

I found myself nodding in agreement with everything you wrote about. Difficult to advise, only empathise with how you feel.

I have discovered im highly sensitive by design, so its really hard to fit into this world, to even build up some self esteem and self worth. life, people, noise, etc all seems to get in the way. I used to sit in my house wearing earplugs all the time and eventually got rid of the TV too. I have been mentally and emotionally abused and find it hard to trust. I seek out quiet places, try to be authentically me, try to find things to live for. I recently posted in the suicide section about how I cope. I also explained to a therapist that I like to keep it as an option to keep me in control, if I dont have an exit option, I panic, the option has to be there for me, even though, I hope to never use it.

Please take care and try to cope the best you can, at least know you are not alone in this world and that things do change in time. everything passes in time, everything.

I have learnt to take slow, small, baby steps in the world, to try and build boundaries, start to gain control in some small way again, built up knowlege about both myself and my abusers to help me cope and to start to accept what has happened, its really tough, but even in my darkest hours I know in my very deepest fibres of self that life is worth hanging onto.

brimstone

 

[Jan 31]

Thank you, KwanYingirl, Abigail, Pixi23 and Brimstone. Your replies mean so much to me. Thank you for sharing.

It's now two and a half month after I started the thread. I feel better today, more stable. Even though I was immensely triggered by a throw-away gesture someone made today and am still hurting 5 hours later. Have to remind myself that these things aren't inherently scary or painful. That's just the trauma. The trauma makes the bearable seem utterly unbearable. My poor mind.

Dear Brimstone, yes, I too feel that way. Loud places drain me. Though I think it's partly because we have developed hyper vigilance due to our abuse. With me, it probably started because I had to see the smallest changes in how my alcoholic mother behaved, how her mood was, what I was supposed to do to make the crazy woman happy.

The acceptance of all that happened is probably the most difficult thing to get to.

Thank you for the suggestions, Pixi. They all ring very true to me. "Friends" is definitely hard when you're so accustomed to feeling separate, different and flawed. I'm trying. Baby-steps. "Distraction" is something I rarely let myself have. I used to look down on it, used to believe in thinking my worries through. I was wrong but it wasn't my fault. "Writing", I definitely want to do more of that. Maybe I'll start a journal here. Though I'm not sure I can read those of others for fear of being too triggered.

 

[KwanYingirl]

@Jan 31 I'm glad to hear your doing better. Keep going one step at a time and share when you need.

 

[Pixi23]

I am so glad your doing a bit better.
I was worried and i dont even know ya.
Writing has saved me from horrible horrible nights.
I'll be laying in bed, going over and over my triggers, the memories.
I feel paralyzed.
Most times I work up the courage to roll out of bed and grab paper and a pen.
I will write every little though that goes through my mind. Once I ended up with eight pages front and back.

It empties me of my hurt and worries.
It consoles me and sometimes I actually find a solution as I'm writing.
I realize " Hey, I havent been playing guitar as much, maybe this is why I've been feeling extra bad lately."
It is a therapy for me, writing is.
It gives you a power in almost every sense.
Also leaves you with a released feeling ans
A cleared mind.

 

[Jan 31]

Thank you both. I did start a diary, we'll see how that goes.

Trauma is pulsing in the back of my mind today, lots of suicidal urges. Trying my best to stay loving and accepting of what my poor, sick mind throws at me. Went downtown to get groceries while I was a bit stable, but felt removed from the world and like everything was unreal. It's ok, my dear. It's ok.

 

[KwanYingirl]

@Jan 31 lots of suicidal ideation? That's a red flag. Are you still taking Zyprexa? I take a drug in the same class called Geodone. I don't know where I'd be without it. I sense from you that you don't feel attached to anything, that you're not real, that suicide is dancing in your brain. This tells me that you're having difficulty staying grounded. Imagine you're on a new mown lawn and it smells so good. You take your shoes off and feel your feet on the grass. Then imagine roots coming out of your feet anchoring you to this peaceful bit of nature. Raise your head and feel the sun on your face to feel connected to the heavens. And breathe in and out through your nose. Nothing else matters now but the feeling of connectedness. Your brain only knows the world as a rough painful and triggering place-all the residue of the long past. You can change your mind by inviting nature in, grounding yourself to now, not the past. The abuse is over, the memories of even your suicide attempts are now in the past. Now is what you have. Visit nature in your mind, build a safe place where you can retreat to whenever you need. Increase finding safe place. That's where your strength will grow. I'm sending you warm hopeful thoughts.