Life is a series of distractions.

[wisteria]

I started listening to the audiobook version of Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors and wow, just WOW, a book that I can finally relate to! I borrowed it from the library but now I want to buy the written version for myself (it's so annoying having to re-listen to important parts). I couldn't really grasp IFS and parts but 3 minutes into chapter 1 I was like, this person gets it!

This emotional rollercoaster I'm on is pretty tedious tho.

 

[Dynamic]

I started listening to the audiobook version of Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors and wow, just WOW, a book that I can finally relate to! I borrowed it from the library but now I want to buy the written version for myself (it's so annoying having to re-listen to important parts). I couldn't really grasp IFS and parts but 3 minutes into chapter 1 I was like, this person gets it!

This emotional rollercoaster I'm on is pretty tedious tho.

This rollercoaster sometimes feels like it will kill me. So I just keep doing the work so I can keep getting stronger despite all the negativity/lies that insist I'm awful, or "it's useless to work this crap". Or a big one that got me "I'll be like this forever what's the point?" (Not true)

My brother sent me a photo it said:

In six weeks you can have six weeks of progress
Or six weeks of excuses.
It speaks to me because I like things said to be as direct as possible. I don't think I make a lot of excuses I think I accept bullcrap though. Including lies which since aren't true hold us back the same as excuses. No good?

I'm done accepting excuses/lies/ and done drinking the poison aka the resentment.
To be free or more free of trauma's remains as possible. We must deal with the remains (this is for me too right now)

:( it sucks. I'm here for you. Hugs on hugs.
I hope you feel stronger soon. It takes courage bravery and strength to work through it. You already do that. <3

 

[wisteria]

the last two days have been great. those kinda of days where I think "how could i ever think of suicide as an option?" I love days like that.

I'm feeling some mysterious anxiety now tho and knowing from experience that ignoring it does not make it go away, I tried to pinpoint the cause. the most i can come up with at the moment is I feel guilty for not appreciating this fantastic life that I have? I had a good day. I should feel this way every day. All my troubles should be gone. Am I malingereing? Making a mountain out of a molehill?

Clearly thinking too much.

My last therapist, I call her Ms. Agenda....i started seeing her cuz I would get so triggered at work. I eventually quit my job. She said what do you want to work on now? I interpreted that to mean that my problems were over now, so what next? Her innocent question did not go over well and since I didn't care for her much to begin with, I dropped her. But I do tend to feel like hey, I had a happy day, all my problems should be gone!

huh. just dawned on me. in the hours after my mom told me she 'never had any love for me' i was devastated. we were on vacation (a birthday trip for me nonetheless), so i tried to change my plane ticket, i tried to get my own hotel room. eventually i just went back to the hotel room that we shared, pissed off. I was stomping around, packing up, determined to not spend another night with her, and she's like 'calm down, it's over' meaning our 'fight' was over and I just need to sweep it all under the rug like nothing was wrong. so that's what I did, at least for the remainder of our vacation (which was actually over the next day, but still).

I guess I can see where this anxiety comes from after all.

 

[KayW]

I relate to that feeling of not being able to recall what it's like to be down when you're up, or what it's like to to be up when you're down.

It's perhaps made more difficult when what should be happy times, like a holiday, turn bad.

 

[Dynamic]

As much as it sucks I'm glad you can see where the anxiety is coming from. I too have been noticing all the little ways I've not been a friend to myself. Where I've been worn down, and lost my voice to people because I became a doormat. People taking advantage of my kindness. Thankfully my T is no joke and not interested in getting anything from me. Only to help me grow

Just keeping you company wisteria as you are growing too <333

 

[wisteria]

I'm always trying to help fix myself, reading self-help articles and books (tho now I think I've been confusing stressor with trigger according to one article here. whoops). it just makes me SO FRICKEN ANGRY when I'm reading a half decent article and at the bottom it says something along the lines of "it's hard to do without support" so 'talk to a therapist or a good friend or other in your support system'. well, that's just fine and dandy if YOU HAVE ANY OF THOSE!!!! my therapist is new and only accessible once a week and i have no fricken friends or support system, so what the fricken hell? it's like when people say 'go see a therapist' like that's the easy answer...but it's not that easy. just finding someone who is available in a relevant specialty is not that easy, much less finding someone you trust.

i was trying to process my fear of rejection. it just made me feel even more alone. and more rejected, lol.

 

[wisteria]

Talking out loud on here helps me process my thoughts more so than journaling.

I find it interesting that I apparently consider myself this bad, unworthy, unlovable person for unknown reasons, meanwhile my friend is in prison for murder, literally murder in the second degree, but I told my therapist that she's still a good person. And I do believe that she is a good person. But I am a bad person? Usually when you say you are a 'bad person' others will ask, why, did you kill someone? No. I didn't kill anyone. Even my friend who did kill someone (I might be in denial about that tho) is still a good person. So wth makes me so bad?

And yes, I realize that being friends with a murderer will automatically turn people away from me and I get it. Honestly sometimes I even question why we are still friends. We weren't even that close of friends before the crime, so why am I sticking around? Murder in the second degree is a domestic violence crime in this state, and I've had a lot of domestic violence in my life, so I'm probably trying to process something that is stuck in my craw that I can't seem to wrap my head around yet.

 

[wisteria]

my mother sent me a birthday card. i was expecting it but it still throws me into a wave of self-doubt. it was some ridiculously mushy card too about what a 'beloved daughter' i am or some BS like that. are you frickin kidding me? you tell me you don't have any love for me, tell me to find healing, never apologize for saying such shitty thing, but i'm a beloved daughter? oh wait, she did apologize for being a bad mom, so I guess that's supposed to cover all.

so of course i feel like i am the problem all over again. i feel like i am 16 all over again. being the bad kid. she never really treated me bad per se. she just never gave a crap about me. but she gave me presents and provided food and shelter and whatever parents are expected to do. no love tho. where the hell is the love? but water under the bridge apparently.

i'm just so upset. i just want to go to sleep. i'm tired of being awake. i'm tired of feeling this way. i hate doubting myself like this.

 

[June70]

I'm sorry about all you are going through, wisteria. I'm not focusing well to read right now, but I did read! And from what stuck to my brain, you have been through a lot. I can relate to a lot of it. The distractions aren't working so well for me right now, either. Hope we both manage to get some sleep tonight.

 

[wisteria]

I put on my big girl pants and went to a suicide anonymous zoom meeting. I inquired about it a month ago but kept chickening out. This morning I felt like I'm slowly advancing towards an inevitable end so I forced myself to go== and I even turned my camera on! and shared! omg! Overall I feel really good about it...such a change from that super triggering narcissist support group I tried to attend. Plus it meets every day, so I can try to go tomorrow. whew.

 

[Dynamic]

Happy Birthday Wisteria!

 

[wisteria]

Happy Birthday Wisteria!

Thank you!! It's so nice to hear. I might have mentioned before- I don't remember- but one of the best parts of visiting Disney on my birthday is that everyone wishes you a happy birthday! Granted, I was wearing a Happy Birthday button, so that's how they knew, but still it was cool. Idk many people in real life, so I don't get many birthday wishes. After my dad died on my birthday I really didn't get many birthday wishes from even the people I did know, but thankfully enough time has gone by that even they wish me happy birthday again. Funny, my mom sent me a card (which set off my downward spiral) but when we were at Disney together, she never actually wished me a happy birthday, much less gave me a hug. Seems like that is something a mother would do, but apparently I'm expecting too much.

Actually, that reminds me of a story. I was out visiting her (she lives 1500 miles away) and at the end of the trip, she and my uncle dropped me off to the airport. Neither could be bothered to get out of the car and give me a hug. I was pissed. I left her an angry voicemail along the lines of 'didn't i deserve a hug?' to which she left me a voicemail "i hope you had a good flight home and got some good food on the plane!" completely disregarding everything I said. I of course interpreted this as me being ungrateful and too sensitive, creating excuses for her. They dropped me off at the airport super early so they were tired, she just hosted me at her house for a week and I'm complaining about a little hug, blah blah blah. I went to the Dollar Store and got myself a card that says "You deserve a great big hug." I've got it on my bulletin board in front of me, actually.

I never express anger to my mom. That time was a rarity. I guess I can see why. When I was a bad teenager, I called my mom a bitch. My stepfather came racing after me, kicked open the door and threw me against the wall while my mother watched. I think there was one other time when he threw me on the floor and threatened to wash my mouth out with soap. I probably I deserved it for being rude to my mom and at the time it was better than being ignored, so I probably incited it for that reason. It was short lived tho and I just went back to isolating in my room, cutting myself instead.

writing about this makes me feel like such a bad, screwed up kid, tho the truth is it might be relatively minor. idk. there's some insight there that I can't quite put my finger on. like my mother treated me like I was a bad kid. when I started driving and wanted to borrow the car, she would write down the mileage, checking it to make sure I was only going to the library (2 miles away) or the mall (4 miles away). I never did anything to inspire such mistrust. My life as a teen consisted of my staying in my room for the most part, occasionally taking hikes in the woods, rarely going to the mall, getting good grades, staying out of trouble. When I was a senior in high school, my friend and I went in to the city at night. We missed our ride home so I was going to be late getting back. I called my mom and let her know. I got back an hour late and she grounded me for 2 weeks. wth? I had never gone out late before much back returned late, she had never even grounded me before. Suddenly she had to make a point?

it's all such minor stuff, which is why I'm constantly invalidating myself. growing up, she always said how she 'didn't like kids' yet once I left, she doted on a young neighbor, leading me to think that it was just me she didn't like. or when I was getting ready to graduate high school, her big thing was 'no empty nest syndrome here!' clearly implying she'll be glad to see me go. all these little things add up, but to point them out individually, I'm making a 'mountain out of a molehill'

wow. that turned out to be a longer post that expected LOL