Life Is Just Too Much

[SoSadGuilty]

I feel a bit guilty about posting about myself because I read and try to support others on the forum who have far worse issues than me. However, I need to make this post because life is simply too much for me today. I've been crying a lot this morning and still haven't managed to get out of bed.

I'm taking my meds, I'm seeing my psychiatrist and I'm trying to keep going but it really doesn't seem to be working at the moment. Some of you may know that my job has been made redundant and coincidentally my husband will also be out of work (contract finishes) at the end of August. I'm really not coping well. I've always worked and now I'm in a situation where there are no jobs in my field and I'm trying to get something in a different area. Well it appears nobody wants me. It also appears nobody wants my husband. I'm extremely stressed about the future and in particular I'm terrified of ending up homeless ( I've three kids). I feel useless, a failure, weak (because of my mental health), hopeless, exhausted and worthless.

My relationship with my extended family has always been rocky (childhood stuff) and my parents keep saying I have to just keep hoping and trying. Really effing helpful when you are depressed. I feel so alone and isolated with all of this. It is really huge for me even if it feels / sounds trivial to some of you reading. I just don't know how to feel happy or how I'll keep going.

 

[Suzetig]

I don't think it's trivial at all - lack of work is a huge issue because it undermines all of the basic needs for housing, food, security etc and you have children - I'm not surprised you're struggling. I wonder how realistic it is to be happy again under the circumstances. I don't meant you'll never be happy again, but right now it's ok to be anxious and scared and angry etc etc.

I wonder if you were able to accept that you're feeling down and that there are reasons for that, you might be able to start finding a way through it. I think sometimes the more we fight how we feel, the less capacity there is for problem solving.

 

[ladee]

PTSD or not, depression or not, what you are feeling is very normal. Just what @Suzetig shared... those are very basic human needs that you are worried about, and having children doubles those worries and concerns...
It is hard for us to stay in here in now when things like this are facing us.. we go deep into the future, when we really do not know how things are going to turn out.
You shared being human and scared. Nothing over the top... just stating what is going on and how it's affecting you. I can only send support to you, tell you that I have been where you are, and things did work out, and that it took courage to share when you are already feeling so vulnerable... Sending energy for things to work out for you and your family.

 

[illusionist]

Your situation is not in the least bit trivial ! I doubt there are many people who would just be able the shrug this off... It throws up so many possible consequences and reactions.

It is hard, I know, but trying to focus on what I could do, helped me, as well as much self care as I could muster.

This won't be forever.....was what I continually told myself....and it wasn't.

Take special care.

 

[illusionist]

@SoSadGuilty Since reading your post, you keep popping into my mind. Please feel free to PM me if you feel the need/want to.

 

[SoSadGuilty]

I appreciate so much the acknowledgement of what I'm feeling and I guess the validation of those feelings. I went for a long walk with the family but sadly the anxiety was as bad as ever. I've read a book for the rest of the evening which at least allows me some escape from reality.

I feel so exhausted and dispirited that it is difficult to pluck up the courage to tackle job applications. Sadly I find it is the belief that I have nothing to offer that is foremost in my mind. A life of poverty and misery is the reality I forecast for the future and I find I am too weary to fight this. I wonder is it me? Have I been such a bitch that I deserve this? I know I expect a lot of people and that there are lots of people I have zero time for but is that aspect of my personality a reason to deserve the pain and anguish my mental health brings me? Is it the reason my husband at age 50 can't get a job? I know deep down that this kind of thinking is nonsense and woo but I still can't help but believe I am somehow the architect of this disastrous sequence of events. I feel like I'm a huge burden on my poor husband and a seriously inadequate mother these past months.

I tried to fill in a job application today and was reading my college transcripts. Boy how embarrassing to see how I scraped through exams and basically wasted my parents money because I was too busy drinking and pissing about while in college. I got an honours degree and a Masters in the end but the transcripts show that I wasn't switched on or engaged. I was so messed up even then and I remember my mother saying I should just pull myself together. At least my Dad actually asked why I felt depressed. So much water under the bridge but I'm pretty sure I could've been saved a lot of heartache if they'd helped me deal with my depression and anxiety then. I'm tired of feeling like this, it has been a long time and I don't know if I can keep taking it.

 

[EveHarrington]

:hug:

You deserve help and support just as much as anyone else here. I'm glad you decided to reach out to us on the forum today.

:hug:

 

[SoSadGuilty]

@SoSadGuilty Since reading your post, you keep popping into my mind. Please fee...

Thank you, I really appreciate your thoughts and your offer. I might PM you later if that is ok.

 

[SoSadGuilty]

:hug:

You deserve help and support just as much as anyone else here. I'm glad you decided to rea...

Thank you @EveHarrington you are very kind to respond.

 

[illusionist]

@SoSadGuilty .....please do....glad you are reaching out.

 

[SoSadGuilty]

Anxiety is sky high today along with the overwhelming feeling of doom and hopelessness. I don't know if I can keep going, if I can cope and if I can keep it together for the sake of my children. I so fear failing them, of not being able to provide for them. I'm already feeling terrible that even with jobs we won't be able to afford to pay for university for my eldest in 3 years time. I worry he won't achieve because he won't be able to go to college. Gaaah I'm in knots here, sorry.

 

[illusionist]

None of us can predict the future.....three years is a long time away and your eldest may well decide to take another route in life...so honestly no use in worrying about that at the moment.

Deal with today, and focus on what you can do...not what you can't....or what you think you won't be capable of in the future.