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List Your Joke, Funny Caption To Brighten Ptsd

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HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned

laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long robe.

If you see husband along the way,

cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror --

make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use wash cloth , long loofah,

wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo

with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for

10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash .

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Rinse off.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:



Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.

Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

Measure wiener with shampoo bottle.

Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, and light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.
 
Did you know that in the human body there
is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus.
It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is
responsible for giving people a shitty
outlook on life. If you don't believe it, pull
a hair from your ass and see if it doesn't
bring a tear to your eye!
 
This woman woke up, looked at the clock and shrieked! She had overslept and had ten minutes to get ready for her gynecology appointed! She flew into the bathroom, grabbed a washcloth, next to the sink, wet it, washed her privates (gotta be clean for the doc!), threw on some clothes (no panties!) and rushed to his office. While her doc was examining her (feet in the stirrups, ugh) he started chuckling. He said are you going to a party tonight?? She thought, "what a curious question" and mumbled, face red, uh, noooo.

That afternoon, she was fixing lunch when her teenage daughter rushed in and ran upstairs. Then she heard, "Mom!! Where's my glitter for the prom tonight...I had it rolled in a washcloth by the sink?!"
 
This is a story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is.
They think so logically.

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.
She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather
the building materials for his home.
She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow
full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that
straw to build my house?'
The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think
the man said?'
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly...
'I think the man would have said - 'Well, I'll be f***ed!! A talking pig!'
The teacher had to leave the room.
 
The Why's of Men

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
-----------------------------------------------
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
-----------------------------------------------
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
-----------------------------------------------
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
-----------------------------------------------
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
-----------------------------------------------
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
-----------------------------------------------
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
-----------------------------------------------
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)
-----------------------------------------------
(C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
-----------------------------------------------
And the personal favorite:
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn) or make a braai
-----------------------------------------------
Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...
Then you are just an old sour fart!
-----------------------------------------------
One for the ladies........
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma ..'

And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies,
'I'll miss you...'
-----------------------------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
---------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
-----------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death...
AMEN
-----------------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
----------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough
-----------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'
-----------------------------------------------
 
HA! some of this just ain't right!....

I can see that it's only the women who read these so maybe I can get away with one self-depreciating joke...

The place is the Garden of Eden, and it's just another day. Eve's enjoying a little tree-trimming action while Adam's out and about doing some very manly things. Adam gets to thinking and with furrowed brow says aloud..."hey God"....

God wakes from his universal dream and says in a booming voice...YESSSSS?"

Adam says to God, " You know I just love Eve. She's so beautiful, and she just fits me so well. She seems to always know how to make me feel better, and, well..I just lover her so much ya know?"

God says..."Aaaaand? so what's on your mind Adam?"

Adam kind of putters for a second and fidgets with a fig leaf and says...."Welll...God, I was kind of wondering ya know...I mean I love her blonde hair and all but...well....I was just thinking and I was wondering why you made her so stooooopid"

God doesn't say anything for a minute, so Adams focusing more on that fig leaf and his fidgeting when in a tiny voice in Adams head....just below a whisper, God says to Adam...

"I had to so she'd love YOU....."

(AdamAnt dodges several shoes and a wireless mouse thrown in his direction! HA!
 
ROFL.... I'd thank you for that post adamant.... but frankly, I'm insulted..... :P
 
Why I Love Being Gay - by superjen

1) It's literally impossible for me to wind up divorced.... at least until it's legal to marry.
2) I've never once had to wake up 'the morning after' and think 'oh sh*t, did it break?'
3) Every time I date someone my size - I ~totally~ double my wardrobe!

AWESOME
 
These posts are just great - Took the day off, kids are away and indulged myself in these posting. What a great day and great laughter. Thank you all. Inouk
 
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